Monday, August 2, 2010

One Month Down... Only a Lifetime To Go

August 2, 2010

Today marks one month since I began my year long “rulebook” and this blog that documents my experiences. I’ve been having a lot of fun reliving my England vacation that I took last year and it is bringing up all sorts of memories about what I was feeling during that time. I hope that it’s being enjoyed as much as I enjoy writing it.

I thought I would take just a little time today, however, to touch base on my progress so far and some things that I’ve been going through.

With the exception of a few too many mimosas and that sexual encounter I mentioned early on, I have been doing really well in sticking to my rules as I outlined them. On this particular blogging site, I can check the stats and see how many hits each blog is getting. I was surprised to see that I have been receiving more hits than I originally thought I was getting because I hadn’t really received much feedback. Then, after talking to a few people, I realized that I had been taken very seriously when I asked for no feedback in the very beginning.

As mentioned, I have a history of getting easily discouraged if someone says something negative about a particular task I have decided to take on. I don’t like that quality about myself and while it is certainly something that I have come a long way on, I still tend to put too much stock in other’s opinions. However, I would like to also mention that I take everyone’s feedback very seriously and if anyone does feel compelled to say anything – good or bad – I am very open to it now.

In response to some feedback I DID receive… A few members of my family are a little hurt by some of the things I mentioned in my earlier blogs and for this, I do feel bad. It was certainly not my intention to make anyone feel negatively about their actions in the past or how it may have shaped who I am today. In order for people to understand where I am coming from and why I’ve chosen to write this blog to begin with, I felt it was necessary to speak candidly about some of the things I have experienced in my past. I never felt like I was personally attacking anyone for their actions however it seems to have been perceived this way in some cases.

This blog truly is about me and what I am able to attract based on the changes I am making both spiritually, physically and emotionally. In addition, I hope that by using my voice and the power of expression, I may be able to relate to others who have felt the same way. This is truly what I had in mind when I set forth on this project. Hurting people’s feelings or making them feel bad about themselves was not at all my intention when openly discussing some of the things that make me who I am.

For this, I am sorry and hope that those who I have hurt can understand that I feel compelled to do something bigger than myself and so far, self-expression is what makes me feel free.

On a positive note, the feedback I received did remind me that this journey is mine and therefore, the attention should primarily be focused on how I feel and what I am up to. I have made a commitment to make a conscious effort to not stray from this idea and to only use examples of other people’s actions when it directly relates to what I am feeling or experiencing. I don’t know if this will help what I have already done, but again – in a world where I already feel isolated, alone and distant from others, it seems that my only way to connect is through vulnerability, honesty and an open approach to what’s going on in my life.

Please have faith in me and my intentions for it is for something bigger.

With that said… I actually feel pretty good about things. It seems like that hardest part is over and that is the declarations and actions I’ve already put into motion. This last month went by pretty quickly and it made me realize that the rules are really not that complicated to follow – especially the rule about sex. In thinking back, while the person I slept with a few weeks ago is a friend and I can’t really say I regret it, I certainly don’t feel any more fulfilled having slept with him than I did if I wouldn’t have. In fact, I probably would feel a little more accomplished had I stuck to my guns.

So, I’m back to calling it a celibate year – I think it will be more powerful for me if I can commit to this rule and maintain it. Plus, it takes a lot of the complications out of any dating I wish to do. I know that sex is a normal and healthy thing, but only if one has a normal and healthy relationship with it to begin with. I am looking to heal my sexual bruising and it seems the only way to do so is to quit running into things! Plus, I have been able to tap into my sexual desires through lucid dreaming which has provided more fulfillment than I realized it could. Stay tuned for upcoming blogs describing this unique adventure.

As far as everything else, I am happy to say that I am still firm on no more cigarettes and my body is responding in a delightfully rewarding way. My time on the treadmill is increasing easily day by day and in yoga, certain poses that used to constrict my chest are no longer doing so. I find myself going to restaurants that are non smoking when I want to watch my sporting events on television and avoiding smokers completely whenever I’m outside.

I was walking back from the fitness center at my apartment complex the other day and caught a big delicious whiff of pot smoke from a nearby apartment. I admit, it made me smile, but I have no desire to start up on that again either. I am further inspired by my friend, Kyle, who I love with all my heart and who has also decided to quit smoking pot after many years of doing so. I find myself wanting to be around him more than ever before to suck up his strong energy as he, too, takes on his life and attempts to find new ways to be the man I know he wants to be.

I find myself only having a beer or two once or twice a week and normally, it’s on my days off. Sometimes, a Margarita or Bloody Mary sounds good, but I think about all the sugar I’d be putting into my body and it helps me stay focused on my ultimate goal. I have turned down shots that were handed to me and even said no to some tantalizing sake on a recent sushi outing with a friend. What did I discover? It wasn’t so difficult and I had a good time at both events even without the liquor.

I find myself at casinos frequently because of bowling, movie theatres and televised sporting events but have yet to feel the pull of the keno machine – or any other slot machine for that matter. I think this is something else that I’m ready to be done with completely. It has been really nice to get to the end of the month and have reached all of my financial goals, have some more money away in savings, and be able to take myself out to food, movies and treat myself to a few new pieces of clothing without having to stress about where the money is coming from.

Overall, progress is good. I have five more days to write on my England trip and then have a few more ideas up my sleeve for writing projects. I finally feel as if I’m doing something because I want to and while obstacles have already presented themselves, I have also received some very valuable support that I know will keep me focused on this adventure.

Thanks to all those who are supporting me in this. This might just be what it feels like to be alive.

1 comment:

  1. This post was refreshing. I love the progress you are making Tina, I'm so proud of you. Most people are afraid of change, but you embrace it and I love that about you. AND I'm overjoyed to hear about Kyle, that's so awesome.