Monday, September 27, 2010

Forgive Me Father... It's Been a Few Blog Posts Since I've Been Vulnerable...

Welcome to Tina's freak-out blog. 

What it is about an ex-boyfriend getting married that sends a girl into an emotional spiral? I suppose it's the feeling that I wasn't good enough to fulfill his needs. Or perhaps it's that he was never crazy enough about me to take that kind of plunge. What was I doing spending my time with someone that wasn't crazy about me? Trying to convince him? Is that what I've been doing my entire life? I'm 30 years old… are you trying to tell me that the last 20 or 30 relationships I've had were a representation of me TRYING to convince someone that I was good enough. 

Ugh. Someone get me one of those little bags they have on the airlines, please. 

Additionally, I have two days left of work And then I'm suppose to be a freelance writer? What the hell do I know about writing? I think I'm pretty good at it but I'm also pretty good at making pasta. That doesn't make me the next Food Network Star, does it? 

No, this is not PMS. I promise… it could have something to do with the Broncos losing or the fact that Jeremy has been out of town for almost a week and a half. It could also be that I've had a couple of Stellas and am feeling exceptionally vulnerable. But when I received that text earlier today from my ex-boyfriend that he and his fairly new girlfriend were going downtown after the Chargers game to tie the knot, my mind went into thinking overload and, admittedly, I feel like I've kind of lost it. 

My mother gave my father a book to give to me the other night. It is called "How Can I Forgive You." On the cover of the book, she attached a post-it note that asked me if I would read it, paying special attention to pages 42 and 43. When I opened the book to the requested pages, I found she had highlighted a section on narcissism. My mother thinks that I am narcissistic. In fact, it appears she would like me to admit to my own narcissism so that I can find a way to… forgive her? Forgive myself? I'm still unsure as to what, exactly, her intentions were. I would ask her flat out if I wasn't convinced that the response from her would simply be.. "whatever". 

And why is it that only when I am in a committed relationship does a super hot guy on a motorcycle stop me in the parking lot and show interest in me. Really, Universe? Are you having fun fucking with me? 

I also gambled this weekend. Last weekend as well. Not a lot, but more than I should have given my concerns about money. The problem is not the amount that I gambled, the problem is that I still feel like a piece of poo every time I put any money in a machine. I think I've used Jeremy's profession as an excuse to put cash in a machine every now and then. However, given how it makes me feel about myself, I think it's time for me to recommit to my rule of no gambling for the remainder of my 30th year. Ew… is this what confession feels like? Not fun… 

Everything I read, feel or dream about seems to be telling me that I am moving in the right direction. And it seems like I do so good for so long and all of a sudden, something happens that makes me question and doubt everything that I am up to. I have a friend who I adore and love and take a great interest in. However, my other friends tell me that she is trying to manipulate me and turn me into something that I'm not. Have I become so naive that I can't see this happening? How can someone tell me how intelligent and aware they find me in one breath and imply how blind I am in the next? 

At least it was only a matter of hours between receiving the text that he was getting married and then the two of them actually having the ceremony. I'm not sure I could've handled a year long planning process with locations searches, bridesmaid evaluations and color schemes. And I wasn't even in love with this guy. Why is this affecting me to this kind of extent? 

Maybe it's the money involved. I loaned him $500 a while back to help him with rent. I knew there was a chance I wouldn't see it for a very long time… if ever. Not that he would ever try to screw me or anything. But I know he's having some difficult financial conversations and I don't loan anyone anything unless I'm willing to lose it. However, even with my newly acquired $20,000, I am still very freaked out, if not more so than usual, about being able to keep the lifestyle that I've grown accustomed to. Every day, all day, I try to ignore the fact that all I am doing is thinking about the money that I have… and don't have. I have spent the last two weeks trying to adjust my behavior and my thinking… I moved all the furniture around in my room in order to create a specific area for meditation. I am doing my daily affirmations. I am confident that my new practices will help me in reaching my goals on an emotional and physical level. Eventually. 

Right now, though? Right now, I'm having a bit of a breakdown. 

As more and more people at work find out I'm leaving, they start asking me questions like "Where are you going to work?" or "What are you going to write?" Besides my blog, I really don't have an answer. I have some ideas and a basic plan on different publications that I want to send my blog out to… but other than that, this whole thing is purely faith-based. Anyone find one of those little bags, yet? 

Before he left on his most recent trip, Jeremy said that if I don't have faith that I can make this happen or if I doubt in any way that I am capable or worthy of becoming a writer, I might as well retract my resignation and stay at Chili's. He said that he wouldn't love me any less, but how he is supposed to believe I'm the one for him if I don't see myself as big enough to make something like this happen? And what about the money? I've known Jeremy for all of one month… what if the money has altered the direction of our relationship? What if I'm so tired of being broke and alone that I've let the last 30 days of this rollercoaster ride affect my decision-making ability? 

What if he reads this blog and changes his mind about me? 

Of course, as the law of attraction would have it, Jeremy just called. I'm amazed at how he can always think positively. He has such a "winner" mentality. I asked him how he can possibly think this way and he simply replied that when he assures himself that things are going to work out for the best, they usually do. I know that this is a frame of mind I must adopt if I'm to see success in my new venture. 

Jeremy said something else tonight that really landed with me… he said that once you have the first taste of success, all you want to do is work harder to get more of it. I suppose this is why my friend got married tonight. He got a taste of what it was like to be truly happy with someone… and wanted more of it. 

This is the part of my personality that I dislike. And after writing all of this, I look back and dislike what I've written. However, I've decided to post it anyway because it is a true reflection of the things that go on inside my head and make me who I am. And since this blog is supposed to be a true representation of me and my beliefs, it doesn't seem right that I should censor the things that I don't like. My self image conversation has held me back long enough. Besides, I think most of us have seen enough cartoons to know that there is both a devil and an angel on our shoulders and sometimes, the devil speaks louder. 

I bought a little dry erase board at Wal-Mart the other day and hung it on the back of the door in my bedroom. It has little notes on it like my daily affirmation statement and blogs that I would like to write. It also has some places I'd like to travel to and certain publications I intend to send my blog to. It's light blue and matches everything in my room. It makes me smile whenever I look at it. 

Last night, I had a horrible nightmare. I dreamt that aliens were coming to invade the earth and wrote their intentions for their invasion in the sky, sort of like that scene from The Wizard of Oz where the Wicked Witch is hunting for Dorothy. In my dream, I tried to capture the image on my phone but every time I went to look at it, a random face would appear and I couldn't decipher the message. The only word written in the sky that I could make out each time was "blood." 

I woke up with my entire comforter wrapped tightly around my body and was dripping with sweat. It was 2:30 in the morning. I was breathing heavily and desperately wishing my roommate was home - not so I could wake him and tell him about my dream, but just so I didn't feel alone. I tried to calm my breath and unravel the blankets around me when, suddenly, my dry erase board fell from the door and crashed onto my floor. As someone who is always seeking an explanation for things, this did not make me happy. 

I remained frozen in my bed for another ten minutes or so. I continued to let the sweat drip from my forehead and my breath to be shallow. Eventually, I convinced myself that it was okay to fall asleep again and when I awoke this morning, everything was as it should be. I rehung my little board on a small section of wall in my bedroom and looked up my nightmare's meaning in my faithful dream book. 

Be prepared for a season of change. And beware of the fact that it may seem frightening and new, but that everything is as it should be in the Universe. Trust what you are feeling and creating, and a new event will bring about a change in your life that will be bigger and more exciting than anything you have ever imagined. 

Really? Well, shit. Bring on the nightmares more often, I suppose. 

It's so easy to doubt the things that are happening in our lives. It's also easy to assume things aren't going to work out as well as we want them to. What seems to be the most challenging for me is making the decision to be confident in my choices. Everyone else knows that I can do it and even my subconscious is telling me that the changes I make are positive. My biggest fan knows my potential and just like I did the night I met Jeremy, it is time for me to move the cynic to a different room… if not out altogether. 

All I can do is wake up every morning and commit to a new way of thinking. The most amazing thing about being human is that I get to make a choice in every moment how I want to live my life. Eventually, I may even get it right. 

And seriously… congratulations, Justin. I love that you have found your lobster and you have my support 100%. 

Everything I'm up to at the moment requires dedication, commitment and a serious level of worthiness. If I continue to let my friends alter the way I think or my family to make me doubt what I love about myself, I will never get a taste of that success that I want so badly. Perhaps having spent so much time alone in my life will pay off now. It's time to listen to me and only me. 

I feel better. Much better… sometimes, I suppose we just need to talk things out. Or, in my case, share my feelings publicly with anyone who's willing to listen. No, that's not narcissistic at all. 

It's simply the other shoulder talking. 

3 comments:

  1. I think you are more than entitled to this "freak out blog." I'm actually thankful for it. Often you come off as having it all together, and you probably do most of the time, but everyone has their moments of "is this really happening?!" It's nice to see this vulnerable blog, it reminds me of your theory of the beauty of Human connection. Reading your blogs bring hope to the idea that somehow no matter how far away, a few paragraphs can bring some light to a dark situation, even if it's through a computer screen. There was once a quote on Lost that for some odd reason always sticks with me. "Allow yourself 5 seconds of uncontrollable screaming and crying, then put yourself together and keep running." Obviously they were talking about a scary mysterious monsters chasing them through a terrifying jungle, but you get the picture. And sometimes those monsters are ourselves, trying to runaway from a future that brings happiness to our lives, because for some happiness is something they haven't tasted in years. And although it may taste bitter going down the first time, it's a relief once you take your second sip.
    Be encouraged Tina, and embrace your future.

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  2. You know I must say that I do feel that way when I hear about an ex that gets serious with a new person or gets married sometimes even when I'm involved with someone else. It may even be years later that I find out and then WHAM! My stomach gets a gut check from some unseen force. I can't explain it but it happens even if its about a person I wasn't that serious with to begin with. If you ever find the explaination for this strange phenonomen please blog about it. I assume it may have something to do with the fact that each person holds a very miniscule part of their heart to each person they are involved with for the rest of their lives and that time just has a way of covering it up with new people and experiences so that you don't even know its still there until you hear news of them. And who knows, maybe that's a good thing...

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  3. "It's so easy to doubt the things that are happening in our lives. It's also easy to assume things aren't going to work out as well as we want them to." .... ain't that the truth.

    The greatest thing about your blog is it's so relatable to many people. Everyone has the Angel and Devil on their shoulders but with most every person you see, all you get is the Angel side of things.

    I agree with Maryann. You are more than entitled to this freak out blog, or hundreds more for that matter. So many people want to do just that. Some people (like myself at times) keep things boiling inside of them that they just EXPLODE one day, which usually turns out bad for that person. I think everybody just needs a release sometimes and you definitely create that for them in your writing.

    I've had hard times in my life and when people came to me saying "Do you want to talk about it?" I always replied "No, you wouldn't understand", thinking it was to complicated. Now I know that there are people out in this world who actually can help. Who's been in my exact situation and has been through even harder times than that.

    It must be hard being so open about everything in your writing.

    I also get the same feeling when seeing or hearing an ex getting married. I haven't been in many relationships in my life and it's only happened to me once....married that is. I didn't know how to react and had a weird feeling for days. Mad? no, Sad? no, Jealousy? maybe. You're just not ready for that kinda news.

    Maybe one reason it was so hard is because when I heard about it, I started to think about my past relationship with that person. Why it didn't work out. The good times and the bad. And what I could of done different to be that person right now. It is hard, but in the end you can be nothing but happy for that person.

    Nick said that if you ever found an explanation for this strange phenomenon to blog about it...I agree.

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