Thursday, September 2, 2010

"You Don't Call It Champagne... You Call It F***ing Cristal!"

Well here I am, month two since I started my project of placing rules and restrictions on myself in order to better my life and attract new and amazing things into my space. Obviously, based on my last few posts, things have gotten... a little blurry to say the least.

I have a fan. A huge fan. Not necessarily the break into your home and scream wildly holding an autographed picture covered with hearts written in blood kind of fan... but a pretty large support system wrapped up in a 5'11" tall package with spiky hair and a Hurley t-shirt. I'm not sure I've ever had someone believe in me quite the way he does - to the point where he's willing to put his money (literally) where his mouth is. I am curious as to where all of his faith in me comes from but he simply looks at me with his intensely serious eyes and asks me why he shouldn't have such faith. After all, I'm amazing, he says.

Sigh. Why is it so hard to feel good about myself?

We went to dinner last night at a lovely steakhouse here at the Harrah's Rincon property in North San Diego County. As I always do when going to a fine dining establishment, I wore a dress; just to make sure I felt as uncomfortable as possible. As if sitting down and being served a meal that costs more than I make in a weekend isn't unnerving enough. As we settled into our booth and the fourth or fifth person came by to make sure we were okay (being a high limit gambler definitely has its perks - nose deep ass kissing turns out to be one of them), Jeremy handed me the wine list and told me to pick out a bottle. As I did any other time, I scanned the list to find the reds and then immediately looked to the furthest right column to compare prices. From there, I worked my way to the left and picked out a wine according to price first, than the year, then the location of the vineyard and finally, the actual name of the wine as I don't order anything I can't pronounce (flashback to that scene in Showgirls where Elizabeth Berkley proudly announces she is wearing a dress by "ver-sayce"). I settled on a nice Australian Pinot Noir that wasn't the most expensive wine in that category but not the cheapest either. I figured it would be a nice middle ground and would complement my 8 ounce Filet quite nicely. I handed the list back to Jeremy and happily announced my choice. He looked at the menu.

"Really? That's cheap!! Let's go with the $650 bordeaux."

My first emotion was embarrassment. Then frustration - I mean, he asked me to pick out the wine based on what I wanted and what I wanted was a Pinot Noir. Then it was overall humiliation and in that moment, I wanted nothing more than to put my jeans and t-shirt back on and go back to the Outback where a medium rare steak never comes out cooked right and a Newcastle is always the right choice.

I like to think of myself as adventuresome and somewhat fearless. I am not afraid of change and I think that is probably the reason why I am as successful as a human being as I am. However, I am also very, very fond of my comfort zone. Being outside of it makes me weary and stressed. I am fully aware of my need to expand this safety container which is why I am always setting new goals and challenges for myself. I just wish I could share the same emotions about my own personal worthiness and the issues that arise with money because of this belief.

Look, I know I'm the shit. I'm confident in my abilities as a communicator, I have an unbelievable work ethic, people can count on me in times of need and I speak my mind with only hints of righteousness but more so with good and purposeful intentions. And I'm not bad looking either. I have a lot to be thankful for and happy about. However, somewhere along the line, my ideas of what I deserve got a little screwed up. It is this particular insecurity that has me so concerned about taking on this venture of not being gainfully employed as a worker bee and branching out on my own in an attempt to make my own rules and write my own paycheck. I believe without a doubt that money is simply a form of energy and that we attract exactly what we think we deserve. And I feel like I deserve a $38 bottle of wine. Jeremy, on the other hand, believes he deserves a $650 bottle of bordeaux. It is this very specific difference in our way of thinking that is reflected in the fact that I spent weeks stressing out over booking a room in San Diego for my birthday and ended up with a very conservative overpriced small room without a view and a bathroom that I only fit in because I am a size 2 compared to the three bedroom, two bathroom suite with a balcony overlooking Valley Center we are staying in that Jeremy didn't have to pay a dime for. He knows without a doubt in HIS mind that he deserves every bit of what is given to him. And he is given quite a bit.

Spiritual masters often speak of individuals' energy fields. For example, when I first walked into the bar where I met Jeremy, I felt his energy from across the room. Truthfully, I felt it through his emails. Jeremy's energetic field is so large and attractive that energy in all sorts of different forms flows to him almost effortlessly. I know that it hasn't always been this way and that he has had his share of trials and tribulations throughout the years. But like so many other things in his life, he has learned how to master the artful skill of attraction and knows that the secret to getting what we want out of life is to be grateful for what we already have and know that we deserve only the best in addition to this belief.

I feel as if my energetic field has dimmed a bit over the years. Not unlike the pendulum that Travis describes, it has swung in extremes in both directions and now, I feel it sort of slowly rocking back and forth, waiting for it's opportunity to finally settle in a place of contentment and peace. However, in order to have this, I know that I must find a way to feel worthy of everything I want out of life. This was one of my main focuses when putting The Rules in place.

So, what's the update with the rules? Yes, I suppose I shouldn't avoid this one any longer.

No, I decided not to ask Jeremy to wait a year to have sex with me. And yes, I took some of my own money and played some keno as well as some poker over the last week. No, I have not even considered smoking a cigarette (just heard that Racheal Ray is a chain-smoker?? And I thought she was born with that sexy raspy voice) and the thought of getting high seems to be very juvenile and pointless, if not counterproductive given the mountain I am climbing. And while I really don't have too many hangups about having a cocktail while sitting in the lounge in the hotel waiting for my turn to go up and butcher a Shania Twain song, I still very happily and contently hold on to my beer. I don't really miss hangovers enough to start back on the hard liquor anyway.

I am learning a lot in this whole process but admittedly, the lessons that are coming up for me are not necessarily the ones that I expected. I thought it would take me the entire year, or at least a good portion of it, to start seeing some significant results from my new way of thinking. However, it's been two months and already, my entire life is different with a brand new AMAZING opportunity sitting right in front of me (okay, technically he's lying next to me). As Jeremy stated, my life began it's shift that day two months ago in Mimi's Cafe when, in so many words, I told myself I had had it with the way I was living my life and wanted a change of mammoth proportions. Making that declaration alone created the shift and The Rules simply became something to do while I was getting used to my new energy field.

I still take them seriously, don't get me wrong. I don't feel bad about choosing to sleep with the man that I'm pretty confident I'll be sleeping with for the rest of my life... and I don't feel that bad about the gambling either, considering that it is a useful way to help me get over my fear of having money. Plus, being around a professional gambler, I worry a lot less about the implications of putting $20 into a keno machine every now and then. I have given myself the biggest gift of all in no longer smoking and my belly (and wallet) is very happy with my choice to stay of the liquor.

And now, for my next trick, I shall cut in half this former version of myself that doesn't believe I am worth a $650 bottle of bordeaux and put it back together to see it rise from the wooden box a prosperous and powerful woman, with clear intentions of bringing my talent into a space where the whole world can see it. And when I do get that first advance on a book, I'll know with absolute certainty that I am worthy of every penny I receive and more.

I might still order the $38 Pinot Noir, though. Because damn, that was a tasty wine.


  1. Thank you for putting up a photo! Now we'd all like to see one of the both of you in one!