I have a fan. A huge fan. Not necessarily the break into your home and scream wildly holding an autographed picture covered with hearts written in blood kind of fan... but a pretty large support system wrapped up in a 5'11" tall package with spiky hair and a Hurley t-shirt. I'm not sure I've ever had someone believe in me quite the way he does - to the point where he's willing to put his money (literally) where his mouth is. I am curious as to where all of his faith in me comes from but he simply looks at me with his intensely serious eyes and asks me why he shouldn't have such faith. After all, I'm amazing, he says.
I like to think of myself as adventuresome and somewhat fearless. I am not afraid of change and I think that is probably the reason why I am as successful as a human being as I am. However, I am also very, very fond of my comfort zone. Being outside of it makes me weary and stressed. I am fully aware of my need to expand this safety container which is why I am always setting new goals and challenges for myself. I just wish I could share the same emotions about my own personal worthiness and the issues that arise with money because of this belief.
Look, I know I'm the shit. I'm confident in my abilities as a communicator, I have an unbelievable work ethic, people can count on me in times of need and I speak my mind with only hints of righteousness but more so with good and purposeful intentions. And I'm not bad looking either. I have a lot to be thankful for and happy about. However, somewhere along the line, my ideas of what I deserve got a little screwed up. It is this particular insecurity that has me so concerned about taking on this venture of not being gainfully employed as a worker bee and branching out on my own in an attempt to make my own rules and write my own paycheck. I believe without a doubt that money is simply a form of energy and that we attract exactly what we think we deserve. And I feel like I deserve a $38 bottle of wine. Jeremy, on the other hand, believes he deserves a $650 bottle of bordeaux. It is this very specific difference in our way of thinking that is reflected in the fact that I spent weeks stressing out over booking a room in San Diego for my birthday and ended up with a very conservative overpriced small room without a view and a bathroom that I only fit in because I am a size 2 compared to the three bedroom, two bathroom suite with a balcony overlooking Valley Center we are staying in that Jeremy didn't have to pay a dime for. He knows without a doubt in HIS mind that he deserves every bit of what is given to him. And he is given quite a bit.