Thursday, October 28, 2010
"I Now Pronounce You Man And... What Is That Smell?"
I think all of us have probably met a female in our life at one time or another that has had a childhood dream of getting married. You know the one I'm talking about… I think many girls have pictured what their wedding might look like. Me, for example… when I was little and still nuts about horses, I envisioned an outdoor wedding in a beautiful field of wheat. I would be sitting sidesaddle on top of a gorgeous white mare with my bridesmaids atop majestic palominos. My flower girl would be on a white shetland pony, of course… my handsome groom would be stoically seated on a fierce looking black stallion with his groomsmen on top of a collection of bays next to him and the ringbearer on his own black pony. Even the minister would be on horseback - a huge, mellow gray Shire.
I was really little.
I laugh when I think of how ridiculous that wedding would be. Could you imagine eight or ten horses all lined up, behaving themselves and NOT pooping everywhere? Yeah… me neither. The guests would have to hold fans and air fresheners in order to make it through the wedding vows.
In general, I haven't put a lot of thought into my wedding anymore. For years and years, I decided that marriage wasn't for me and therefore, any ideas of an actual wedding never really replaced the horseback fiasco.
But you know who I'm talking about. That girl who has wanted to get married as long as she can remember? The one that has her wedding colors picked out way before her prom dress has been selected. She has her entire invitation list prepared by the end of her first date. When she does finally get engaged, the idea of marrying the man she is in love with is the LAST thing on her mind as she crazily goes from one vendor to another, choosing a wedding cake, flowers, dresses, locations, hires a wedding planner, fires a wedding planner, etc. You get the point.
I used to work in the Catering Department at the Four Seasons Hotel in Newport Beach and have had my fair share of "bridezillas". I really thought that they must be crazy to let one day take so much control of their lives. I mean, shouldn't they be looking forward to everything that happens AFTER the wedding? It was strange to me…
I've had a little too much time by myself, recently, and as a result, my thinking cap has been working up a sweat. Not about marriage… but about the idea of wanting something so bad and for so long that it is easy to get caught up in the idea of how it needs to look. I think I am starting to understand how a "bridezilla" came to be.
One of my least favorite questions in the world is "What do you want?" This is something that I've never really been able to answer completely. And because what I want is constantly changing, what I have tends to change pretty drastically as well. I often get frustrated with myself that I can't settle on one thing and simply manifest it in my life. It seems so many people - women in particular - have such a clear idea of what they want their life to look like and find this question fairly easy to answer. I was pondering the other day about weddings and such (clearly a reaction from spending too much time watching "Say Yes To The Dress") and tried to come up with one thing that has been a solid "want" my entire life. The answer came to me pretty quickly and I knew right away why I find myself to be such a challenging partner when it comes to relationships.
My whole life, the one thing I have wanted beyond anything else is a partner. A true partner. Someone who "has my back" and I have theirs. Being a strong woman, I always pictured being the second half of a Power Couple - not to be confused with Gold Digger. That is, perhaps the Clintons or the Obamas would be better examples than, say, Scarface. I wanted to meet someone and through our mutual love, respect and drive, build something together. Our relationship would be the foundation of an empire, of sorts. Our equal contributions would define our success. The idea of doing this on my own has never appealed to me. At the end of my life, when my beautiful home, full garage and packed calendar mean nothing, I want to reach across and grab my partner's hand as we rock slowly back and forth on our porch swing, looking across the ocean and knowing that our materialistic items mean nothing compared to the love and support that has truly brought us happiness.
I am addicted to this vision.
I don't envy the man who tries to be with me. This picture in my head comes up every time I have an argument with a lover or he does something that annoys me. It comes up when he pulls up in a car I don't like or has a laugh that makes dogs howl. Forget the fact that he loves me and is willing to do whatever it takes to make me happy. I am constantly wondering whether or not I can see myself with this person 30, 40, 50 years from now, on that porch. I wonder if they have the strength to make their own visions into realities and support me while I flail around, trying to find what makes me happy as a career. Yes, I have a perfection complex - as I have mentioned in a previous blog. However, it's not that I need someone to be perfect in the world's eyes - I just need them to be perfect for me. Just like a bride pictures her wedding day to go exactly as she has wanted it to since she was a little girl, I am very attached to what I think the perfect man for me looks like.
Probably a no-brainer as to why I've been involved with well over 40 men in my life.
Yes, this is when everyone can start feeling a little bad for Jeremy.
Jeremy is no idiot. I think he knew what he was getting into well before I spelled it out for him. He had read many of my blogs before meeting me, after all. It's strange having someone who acknowledges where you both fall short and yet doesn't let that bother him at all, claiming that the wonderful and beautiful parts of our relationship enormously outweigh any little annoyances. I, on the other hand, am frustrated that the relationship takes work only a few months into it. I mean, if it's the "perfect" relationship for me, shouldn't I have a honeymoon period that lasts at least a little longer than two or three dates? The closest I have ever come to realizing my vision was with Eric and we didn't have any problems to deal with until our fourth year of being together. Did Jeremy and I miss that stage where we were all over each other everywhere we went? Disgusting our friends with our cute, cuddly moments and excusing ourselves to rush home in response to our physical desires? Did I blink?
There's the idea, also, that I have put too much stock into this honeymoon period and that the reason the real work has started so soon is because we are already both committed to making this the relationship we have always wanted. Should it take work at this point? I guess that depends on what one considers "work". Jeremy and I both have different ideas on this.
This blog cannot be wrapped up with a bow as this topic is no gift. While I am not feeling the urge to "bail" as I have so many times before when feelings of insecurity and doubt arise, I also don't want to withhold anything from anybody. Most importantly, myself.
And since you, reader, have chosen to take this journey with me, it is you that I am accountable to as well.
I attracted Jeremy into my life at this time for a very specific reason. I like to think it's because I am finally ready to start realizing my vision I've had for so many years. But, like the little girl with the wedding plans, it might be wise to start thinking about an alternative flavor to the cake as the red velvet I wanted for so many years may not agree with my taste buds anymore.
So, just as I rolled my eyes in the past when observing "bridezillas" in action, I must also recognize that my own expectations may be on a pedestal too high for anyone to climb.
This makes sense… after all, a horse wedding? Seriously?
Posted by Tina V at 4:47 PM