Thursday, November 4, 2010

Can I Get a One-Way Ticket to Anywhere But Here?

Ever feel like no matter where you are, you should be somewhere else? 

That pretty much sums up what it's like to be me. This is a frustrating state to be in - especially when I tell people that things are happening as they should and that the Universe doesn't make any mistakes. We are exactly where we need to be all the time. People of all faiths and belief systems will probably agree with this statement. However, it seems like no matter what I'm doing, I feel like I should be doing something different. 

In addition to the many relationships I've been in, I've also moved so many times that I can't really remember. I've been in Las Vegas for a little over six years and have already moved seven times. I've also had just over twenty jobs since I started working at fifteen years old. It seems very difficult to find happiness, but I still continue the pursuit. When something goes wrong or if I don't feel right, I make drastic changes to shift things with the hope that my next decision will be The One. 

Unfortunately, no matter where I move, who I'm with, what job I have, what clothes I'm wearing, what kind of car I'm driving, what my current hobbies are, I find that there is one common denominator that keeps following me everywhere I go. 

Me. 

So, what exactly does one do when they realize that THEY are the problem? 

A lot of people have many different opinions and advice for me. Perhaps I should find a therapist or a support group. Maybe I should get involved in a very spiritual yoga experience. Go to church. Hit the gym - twice a day if I need to in order to burn the excess negative energy. I should pick up a new hobby to keep my mind occupied or focus on my meditative practices. It could help to combat my negative thoughts about myself with positive affirmations. Write more. Write all the time. Write until everything that is inside of me is out. Become more social to lift my spirits. Or simply lift up some spirits and pour them down my throat. 

I do realize now why people choose to take drugs as a way to seek happiness. It just seems easier. I don't do easy, though. It's just not my style. 

Jeremy and I are facing a challenging decision. Being a very aware individual, he knows I am unhappy. And since I have always associated happiness with finding the right partner, it would seem as if the most logical answer is that he doesn't make me happy. In discussing this over the last week, it has been brought to the surface that the main source of my unhappiness appears to be my self image. I do remember a time when I thought I was a "hottie" and wasn't obsessed with what my scale said or how my skin looked. I never worried about my teeth. I was hit on frequently, had many choices for suitors and laughed. A lot. I do remember this time, but it's not recent. 

People dig me because I'm cool. Jeremy loves my writing and I fear that it is his primary source of attraction to me. I'm flattered by this, but sometimes a girl needs a man to tell her she's beautiful. But, speaking from responsibility, it's hard to attract comments on my physical beauty when I simply don't see it anymore. 

I do not miss working at Chili's. In fact, I decided that even if I end up going back to a jobbie-job, I don't think serving will be my choice. However, one great aspect of working at a job that required me to be moving all the time was the extra exercise. It was definitely good for my issues with weight. Since I quit, I've put on twelve pounds. I still go to the gym almost every day and have maintained a pretty consistent diet. I know that losing those eight precious hours of calorie-burning time has really taken it's toll on me. All of my beautiful new clothes are now uncomfortably tight and I find myself not wanting to dress up nice to avoid feeling "fat." When I look in the mirror, I see a fat girl. 

Big deal, right? Go on a diet, hit the gym a little harder and I'll be back in shape in no time, right? Well, here is where the REAL issue lies… twelve pounds ago, I looked in the mirror and still saw a fat girl. Twelve pounds ago, I still wasn't happy with my weight and was determined to drop another clothing size. 

When will it ever be enough? 

I worked at a chiropractor's office for a while and there was a running joke that the doctor made about me that I never thought I was good enough. When I would get frustrated or make a comment that related to this feeling, he would stomp his feet and roll his eyes and say "Ugh! Never GOOD enough!" It was only a little funny. Mostly it hurt because I knew it was true. I thought that it was okay to feel this way - I mean, what's wrong with being an overachiever, right? Well, it's only good if there is a goal in mind, I think. And I never really had a goal. I just knew that whatever I was doing, I wanted to be doing it better. Or differently. Or differently better. Sigh. 

Jeremy feels as if he has some personal issues of his own that he wants to take a look at that could be preventing him from being a good boyfriend. He thinks that it might be better for us to do some soul searching separately and for me in particular, to find a way to be happy and in love with myself so that I can find a way to be happy and in love with another person. While I am afraid of losing him, I can't help but wonder if he is right. I was immediately brought back to The Rules and why I wanted to remain celibate for a year. I really wanted to spend my 30th year hanging out and falling in love with… me. 

It's just that we had painted such a pretty picture of what our life could look like. Perhaps I got a little swept up in… getting swept up. I want someone to come into my life and make everything better. But if love, support and $20,000 to follow my dreams didn't put a smile on my face, there has got to be something wrong. I fear that I won't find what it is that will make me happy. 

I don't necessarily need to jump out of bed in the morning and start to sing like the opening credits of American Dad, but I sure wish I could wake up and just be happy to be alive. 

As always, I'm just going to keep trying. Perhaps I'll take one or two suggestions from my friends and give them a go. Perhaps I'll take them all. As far as Jeremy is concerned, I don't have the answers. He's pretty damn intelligent, though so this time, I might just let him make the decision. I want to feel compelled to convince him to give me a chance and to work through this with me. I want to feel this way… but I just don't. I feel like I have spent so much time in my relationships talking people in and out of things. This time around, I just feel like letting things unfold naturally. 

Because… the Universe makes no mistakes, right? Maybe it's time to start having some faith in my own beliefs.

3 comments:

  1. If there's anything you've taught me it's that life is a place of experiences. How we interpret those experiences is up to the individual but if I can offer any words of wisdom on this matter is to seek that which you crave. As you've experienced, so many things in this life offer temporary happiness..a buzz off alcohol or a high off a blunt but as all things they wear off. I think Jeremy has the right idea when he said to try all those things you mentioned above. It seems to me you are seeking something greater, what that is, well that's up to you (you already know what I think!). Your man is right, you need to be fully satisfied alone before you can ever satisfy another that includes everyone in your life not just a significant other. That may take a year or a weekend, just give yourself the time you need. You're a wonderful, strong woman Tina, don't lose your fire. Maybe it's just time for changes and maybe the rules were a great starting point but now it's time to look beyond that and do some soul searching. Discover who you really are. Because Tina those 12 pounds, those styling clothes, and perfect teeth wont change what your soul looks like from the inside, and really that's all that matters. I'm always here for ya, always.

    your crazy christian friend that likes to type super long comments on your blog and loves everything about you...

    Maryann :)

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  2. If “place” could ever be a spiritual negative…Las Vegas is it’s poster child.

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  3. It's interesting, Anonymous... I have had this conversation with many people and I have to completely disagree with you. I have had the most spiritual awakenings and come across the most amazing people since moving to Las Vegas. I think perhaps it is being in the desert that keeps my mind open. While I am never really happy where I'm at, Las Vegas is certainly as good a place as any to seek out a positive life experience.

    Obviously, I can understand the other side of the coin as well. I do find, at times, that the city can be a cultural black hole and it definitely takes more effort to find it's natural beauty. But it is out there.

    Thanks for the reminder. :)

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