Sunday, November 28, 2010

I Can't Tell If The Growling Is Coming From My Stomach, Or My Head

I can't sleep. 

It could be because I'm trying to fall asleep at 10:00 at night, something I haven't done in a very long time. Unless, of course, it's Thanksgiving and I've been enjoying Bloody Marys and turkey all day… otherwise, I've always been a bit of a night owl. 

But that's not it. My mind is restless. I have that feeling in my stomach that I used to get when I worked a nine to five job. I would get off on Friday, celebrate the weekend and then starting early Sunday evening, the nerves would begin creeping in and taking over. By the time I was getting ready for bed, my mind was already into the next day. I was thinking about my in-box and my unanswered emails. I was thinking about the sales calls I needed to make, the proposals I hadn't finished and if I had any pantyhose left without a run in them. I was contemplating all I needed to have finished so I could enjoy the following weekend. What do I need to do to get through the next five days with my sanity? 
Even when I thought I liked my job, this is what my Sunday nights felt like. 

I never really felt this way when I was a server. Even if I had to get up early to open the bar or take a liquor order, it wasn't any earlier than 9:00am. Besides, I could always get high before that job which almost made me look forward to it. I do remember a few days I would be stressed out - Valentine's Day, for example. Mother's Day isn't so bad for a bartender. Too many families and no one wants to sit at the bar. But for the most part, there was no stress involved on a Sunday night. 

I haven't felt this way in a very long time. My stomach is uneasy and my brain has gone back to work. See, I decided to send my brain on a vacation. This is why I went to California. I just wanted to get in the car and drive. I wanted to keep driving until I hit a group of friends or the water, whichever came first. And then, I just bounced back and forth between the two. It was really an awesome trip. I did everything I wanted to do and was always on my own schedule. I saw a lot of friends that I hadn't seen in a long time and some others that I've seen recently, but still miss incredibly. It was an extremely rewarding week. 

When I got back, I didn't have time to slow down. I immediately went to the grocery store and got everything I needed for the next day - Thanksgiving. I cooked and cleaned for hours and got everything organized. By the time I was done, I was pooped and slept hard until 8:00am when I had to be up to get everything ready and head to the other side of town. 

Thanksgiving was wonderful. I had a very good time with my friends and the food was absolutely amazing. I ended up staying at my friend's house for close to ten hours. Once again, when I got home, I was exhausted and went straight to bed. 

I woke up the next day feeling very lethargic and, well, fat. Not an uncommon feeling for the morning after Thanksgiving. Jeremy wasn't back until Monday so I decided to do a bit of detoxing with my diet since I didn't really have anything else to do. I had just spent over a week rushing from place to place, socializing, eating out a LOT, writing quite a bit and overall, really enjoying myself. My brain has been quite silent as I've asked it to be. 

The last three days have been a bit taxing. My detox diet consists of 72 hours of the following: a 900 calorie diet that is made up of just the basics (small breakfast, mid morning snack, small lunch, mid afternoon snack, small dinner), 1,000 calories burned each day with a variety of cardiovascular exercises and a minimum of 16 ounces of water with each meal and snack. The water is either loaded up with lemon juice and just a dash or two of tabasco or a few teaspoons of apple cider vinegar (all for cleansing and internal ph balancing purposes). In the morning and evening, I also have one or two cups of a detox tea that Yogi makes. Oh, and my regular vitamins twice a day. 

What I like about this "mini-cleanse" is that it's not harsh on the body. I'm getting all the nutrients I need and never feel weak or light headed. After three days of this and with my particular body type, I usually drop around five pounds. Not a crazy amount, but certainly enough to kick start my body into monitoring it's caloric intake better throughout the week. More importantly, it boosts my confidence after spending over a week eating everything I want and then not being able to get into any of my new clothes. 

What I don't like about this detox diet is that while I may physically feel fine, there is one major side effect. I am hungry. And all I think about is food. I watch the clock all day to see when I can eat again and am trying to go to sleep at 10:00 at night because my food is done for the day. I know that if I stay up and watch yet another movie to try and take my mind off of how hungry I am, I'll sneak into the freezer and devour the Caramel Cone Skinny Cow ice cream I have in their that has been taunting me since Friday. 

But alas, it is only three days. The second day is by far the absolute worst… but knowing that I've made it through and feel great (even though still hungry), is worth it. 

The other really positive side effect is that for three days, my brain has something to do other than think about all the things I need to be or should be doing with my life. This is definitely a relief. 

However, like I said… it seems as if I am suffering from Sunday night disease again after all these years. 

I think a lot about that mean email Jeremy wrote. I know that he and I have moved past the emotions that caused the email, but I still think about his words. He told me that he knew I would work really hard with my writing which is why he gave me the money. I'm still trying to figure out what this looks like. All I want to do all day is go to the gym, eat good food, watch a good movie or read a good book, write this blog and have fun with him. Generally speaking, of course… I mean, there are lots of things to fill my day… but when I start thinking about everything I should be doing, that feeling creeps up all over again. 

For example… 

I moved my blog to Wordpress because that's the more "professional" site for online blogs. But after importing everything, I can't figure out how to format it to make it look nice. It's all one big chunk of text. I have sources to ask for help, but feel like I should be able to figure something that simple out. I am pretty good with computers, after all. My blog here is so comfortable… but "they" say that Wordpress is better. I know I'll get it worked out, but in the meantime, it's a source of stress. 

What am I doing with my writing? My friend Whitney has faith that all of these blogs can be pulled together to make some sort of interesting story. She continues to tell me to simply keep writing as I need lots and lots of content before it can start taking shape. This isn't good for my patience… but I know she is right. And obviously, putting all of these blogs into book form is the number one thing I want to do with this time I have to focus on my writing. 

So what do I do in the meantime? 

I've sent a few feelers out there to magazines but haven't heard anything back. Admittedly, I haven't put forth a serious effort because I want them to go to the Wordpress blog instead of this one. Although, sometimes I think I am just in resistance because writing for someone else is not what I want to do. Jeremy tells me that if he had a magazine, he would publish my blogs as is, with no changes whatsoever and just keep them coming in each issue. Unfortunately, he doesn't own a magazine so this isn't good for anything except my ego. 

I keep feeling like if I just continue writing, it will all come together. But… book deals don't just fall out of the sky. And while I appreciate each and every reader I have and all of the valuable feedback you each give me, "they" say I need to have a lot more attention and a much larger audience before I can think about getting any publishers interested. 

I think there is another part of me - the cynic perhaps - that knows what a nice opportunity I have right now… to be able to spend my days doing what I wish and come and go as I please. To write when I feel like it, and not because I'm under some deadline. To buy groceries all the time and take a trip to California just because I want to. To take my friends who are down on their finances out to dinner and see their gratitude. The cynic whispers that this time could very possibly be short-lived and to enjoy it while I can. 

The part of me, however, that holds a cup that is half full tells me to go back to my beliefs. The idea of Be, Do, Have. If I am already BEing the person I want to be, then I can DO the things I want and eventually HAVE everything I've ever wished for. Not unlike the idea of the regular sales guy who wants to be the CEO of his company. So, he starts dressing, talking and acting like he already IS the CEO. One day, he walks in and finds his name on the big door. It's kind of like that. Although, try telling someone that you are doing "nothing" in order to have "everything". Based on experience, this conversation doesn't always go over well. 

It's been so nice having the last week and a half off from my brain and it's pressuring thoughts. But, it's the Sunday night of Thanksgiving weekend and Monday woes must be in the air. 

As usual, I have no answers - only my thoughts and this wonderful forum on which to lay them. Perhaps I'll sleep tonight and wake up feeling refreshed, ready to take on the day and that damn Wordpress. 

If nothing else, at least I have a real meal to look forward to tomorrow.


  1. Your blog is just as amazing in blogger as it would be in Wordpress.


  2. Oh, and how about a McRib for lunch???