Sunday, November 14, 2010

I Saw a T-Shirt Once That Read "Do Nothing When Nothing Works"

You might want to get cozy for this one. 

As many of you know, I believe very much in the law of attraction. It's something that I sometimes wish I didn't have so much faith in - but, as I imagine it is with people of other faiths, when you believe in something so strongly, there's not much you can do about it. The general idea is to clearly intend something and have it brought into your life. I've done it time after time throughout the years on a variety of levels. Lately, however, I've been very careful about my thoughts and the subjects of my meditation. I am actually… on the fence about what I am intending to come into my life because I want to be sure it's the right thing for me. You know that question, what do you want? That's a tough one. 

Oh, me and my brain… 

Here's something I haven't discussed in detail yet that you might be interested in… money. When I tell people that Jeremy and I broke up, I can see the question forming in their head before they even ask it. Some of them bring it up, some of them don't. But I think pretty much everyone is wondering. "Um… didn't he like… give you $20,000?" Yeah… he so totally did. And I think about it every single day. We have, of course, had many, many conversations about the money. We had a lot of conversations before I even took it. I didn't even accept the money until a month after the offer was made. I was afraid of it. I was afraid of it's implications. I was - and remain - very confident in Jeremy's intentions. He came into a lot of money and is finally living the kind of life he always wanted to live. Something about me made him want the same for my life. From the very beginning, he said that the money was separate from the relationship. If I'm being honest, I didn't fully believe him. But, it didn't matter because we were in a relationship. Now that we are no longer together, I realize that he actually meant it. I even offered to give him the rest of the money back and he said that he absolutely wouldn't touch a penny of it. As with so many other bets he has made in his life, he knew that the minute he gave that money away, he might not see it ever again. This is what a gambler does. 

He has told me from the very beginning that the money was not meant to put additional pressure on me. It was simply to act as a reason to finally do what I want to do. He wanted me to be able to focus fully on my writing because I love doing it. And I do. So, I went to that blogging convention and I research blogging almost every day. I am trying to become as much of an expert in social networking as I can. I bought a book on how to Twitter for pete's sake. I've considered going back to school so I can have some "official" education in writing. I've written some practice blogs for an online publication to test out my versatility as a blogger. I've even upgraded my blog from Blogger to WordPress (stay tuned - still a work in progress). I've considered starting a new blog doing reviews of Las Vegas locations in an attempt to monetize my writing. I'm trying to make something out of myself. 

Well… I have a confession to make. The only kind of writing I like to do is this kind. Sitting at Buffalo Wild Wings, drinking a Bloody Mary, watching football and pouring my heart out onto my super cool Macbook. This is the kind of writing that makes me happy. I don't want to do any of that other stuff. I don't want to write under other people's guidelines. I started writing for two big reasons; I wanted and needed a creative outlet and I also had a desire to connect with others who might feel the same way I do. I wanted to feel… less alone. I was perfectly happy with my crappy job at Chili's. Honestly. It wasn't until I was presented with another option that I realized I wanted something bigger. But alas… being a blogger is not it. 

Jeremy has never made me feel like I need to make a decision on what to do with my life. Or writing. Or the money for that matter. He just wants me to be happy. So much so, that he agreed breaking up was the best thing to do. He knew I was unhappy. He's quite amazing. I actually am a bit frustrated in our lack of compatibility. If only everyone could be as understanding and compassionate as he is. He knew that I could live a life bigger than the one I was living. More importantly, he knew that deep down, I wanted to. 

I have what my leadership program would call a "looking good" conversation. Also known as an "image" issue. I often do or say things not because I feel it's the right thing to do, but because other people think it's the right thing to do. I'm certainly not afraid of offending people or speaking my mind… I just truly think that I'll be more successful in life if I do what people think I'm "supposed" to do. Example? Someone gives me $20,000 to focus on my writing full time so I… well, see paragraph above. I do all the things that I think someone who wants to break into writing would do.Why? Because it seems like the "right" thing to do. 

Well, earlier in the week, I came to the conclusion that I don't want to rely on being a writer to have a sustainable income. I think there is a very good possibility that my writing can take me somewhere one day, but the amount of effort that I want to put into it is being exhausted right now. Football, Bloody Mary… you get the point. 

So, along with this realization, I carefully thought about Jeremy's intentions. He gave me the money to be happy. Okay… so… what would make me happy? Ask yourself this - if someone walked into your life today, handed you $20,000 cash and said "take this money and with it, find happiness", where would you start? What would you do? 

I think of the movie Office Space a lot these days - when Peter gets asked what he would do if he had a million dollars, he says "I would do nothing." For me, $20,000 might as well be a million. Therefore, I've been asking myself the same question - especially since I know that putting effort into become a writer is not the answer. Well, you know what? I have the same exact answer as Peter. 

I've never liked to work. When I tell people this, they laugh at me and say "Well, duh - no one likes to work." This is completely false. I've met countless people that not only love their jobs, but can't imagine doing anything other than what they are doing. Police officers, firefighters, doctors, nurses, professional athletes, horse trainers, veterinarians, bartenders, editors, artists, mechanics, musicians. To name a few. I'm not saying that everyone in these professions love their jobs - I'm saying that I've met someone in each of these industries that has a passion for what they are doing and who feels grateful every day that they are paid to do what they love. 

So… what do I love? 

Horses. Cars. Football. (All sports, really. But mostly football.) Beer. Sleep. Sex. Food. Writing. Grocery Shopping. Dancing. Working out. Any and all bar games. Kissing. A good view. Movies. Happy hour. Nice forearms. Chivalry. Hmm… how do I make a career out of being a lush… 

Be patient - I do have a point somewhere… 

They call alcohol the truth serum. I tend to agree. I think it's very important to remember the weird things we do and say when we've been on the sauce. Me, for example… when I've had a bit to drink, I start getting weepy. I tend to feel sorry for myself which is not something that I am proud of… but it happens. I wonder why no one wants to be with me. I wonder why no one fights for me when I'm trying to leave. I wonder why I don't get chased down the street when my bags are packed. I look at my list above and think that most men would be pretty excited to have a girl like me around. Yes, I'm emotional. Yes, I think too much. Yes, I have self image issues. But come on… I've met girls just like me that manage to find true love. 

My teeth aren't THAT bad, are they? 

The truth is, inside, I know exactly what I have to offer a person. I am a caring and compassionate woman. I am in tune with people's energy and have a genuine desire to support their dreams and passions. I love taking care of people I love. 

The other day, I woke up questioning the Universe. I asked it to please give me some sort of indication as to what I'm supposed to be doing. I asked for it to give me a sign of hope. Give me somewhere to start. I made myself some cereal and read a little bit while I ate. My brian continued to work. I watered my two plants, did some dishes and tidied up the kitchen. I made my bed (a new habit, actually) and opened all the blinds so my little apartment could get some light. I stepped onto my balcony and took a deep breath of the cool, clean air. I remember being grateful that I have a space to call my own. I continued asking the Universe for a sign. What will make me happy? What do I do next? 

I got into my car and drove to the gym, still asking for direction in my life. I had a nice gym session, did some heavy cardio to try and clear my head out a little. It felt great. My head was still a bit heavy… after the gym, I went to Trader Joe's and did some grocery shopping. I bought a bunch of things to make a beautiful salad for myself when I got home. I find grocery shopping to be extremely therapeutic. Whenever I have extra money, I spend it at the grocery store. Funny, huh? 

I drove home, listening to Alt Nation on my Satellite radio and was thrilled that my current favorite song was number one on the weekly countdown. I sang loudly with my window down as I cruised down the freeway. 

When I got home, I spent an hour washing and cutting my vegetables and putting everything in it's appropriate Tupperware container. I listened to one of my favorite CDs and put together a colorful and healthy salad. I curled up on my couch and watched a movie while I ate my food and tried to quiet down my mind. I logged on to my laptop and connected with my virtual friends and surfed my favorite social networking sites. I stressed out a little as I looked through my latest "how to be a killer blogger" tips as none of them were consistent with how I like to write (such as… the ideal blog is between 500-700 words - ha!!!). I touched based with my buddies on Facebook and wrote some emails to people I don't see very often. I ran through everyone's status updates and smiled… baby pictures, relationship updates, silly posts and links… I love Facebook because at any given time, I can step into someone else's life and see what's up. Greatest invention ever. 

After the movie ended and my surfing was done, I took a shower and put on some new clothes. I reminded myself that I was pretty and that I deserve wonderful things. And then I asked again… what's next for me? What will make me smile? How can I turn this money into happiness before it runs out? Please… give me something to work with. 

I got back into the car and headed to a nearby bar to watch football. I brought my laptop with me to keep me company. While I was driving, I tried to picture myself doing a multitude of jobs. I thought about trying to get some articles published. I thought about getting a job with the union and bartending on the strip. I thought about shoveling horse manure for minimum wage in an effort to get my food in the door. I thought about going back to hotel sales (then I almost threw up). I literally shook my head side to side - trying to give my brain a break. 

I got to the bar, set up my laptop and watched an amazing football game. I ate chicken wings and drank good beer. I texted some friends and made some plans for later in the week. All the while, I kept asking… happiness? Where is it? 

After the game, I drove back home. I made myself a margarita, trying out a new recipe, and put on my pajamas. I curled up in bed and watched a few episodes of last season's Bones. As I lay in bed, I thought about why the Universe was taking so long to respond. I mean… can I at least get a hint? 

It wasn't until the next day when it hit me. Probably because our brains don't stop working while we sleep… I woke up and the sun was shining. There was no alarm… no where for me to be. I woke up because I was ready to wake up. Before I could start my questioning process all over again, I realized that I already felt different. I was about to spend another day doing exactly what I wanted. With this in mind, I woke up… happy. All of a sudden, a coolness rushed down my face. I thought about the day before and how happy I was all day doing the things I loved to do. Here I thought I was in a state of limbo, waiting for some magical answer to all my problems come floating into my space. Instead, I just did everything I wanted to do and was happy doing it. 

I was happy… doing nothing. I am Peter from Office Space. 

Everything kind of snowballed from there. I started thinking about all of the other things I loved to do that were part of my "nothingness" and realized that the only thing that was missing from my life was someone to take care of. No, no, no… I'm not talking about a baby. That's a whole other blog! I'm talking about a person who appreciates all that I am and all that I want to be. Which is… nothing. 

Okay, that's not completely accurate - of course I want to be something. But it's not employee of the month or this week's featured article. I don't want a blue ribbon for best in show and I sure as hell don't want to be known as an expert in an industry I could give a shit about. What I want is to be someone who is important and valuable to someone else. 

My childhood dream of finding that perfect partner to have a life with is glowing brighter than ever. But perhaps my idea of a power couple has been wrong this whole time. I'm starting to think that there is a man out there who is waiting for a woman like me to support and love him for all he is doing. Perhaps he only needs the perfect woman in his life to complete his idea of a power couple as well. 

I can see this man (on the treadmill at the gym ideally)… he is beautiful and smart - he loves his job and is completely committed to it. He is up to big things in life. Most likely, he's a workaholic. He wishes that he had someone waiting for him when he got home. He wishes he had someone to take vacations with when he needed some time off. He wants to eat and be healthy, but there's just no time to shop and make good food. He wishes his house was a home, but doesn't have a clue as to what cozy means. He wants to watch football on Sundays without having to worry about anything else going on in the world. He just wishes he had someone to open the door for. 

See where I'm going with this? 

I am always going to write. It's what I love. In fact, blogging is just right now - I have at least one book inside me. Perhaps I'm writing it as we speak! I am also a wonderful artist who has turned her back on it because I don't see a point in it. I'm starting to feel differently about that… my art is extremely meticulous and time consuming. As of lately, I have just seen it as a waste of time. What if it wasn't? What if it became something else that completed my day? Just the thought makes me smile. 

In the meantime, is it really that unrealistic to think that being someone's support system would be the greatest job ever? Everyone knows someone who is a stay at home mom or "professional housewife". Why not me? I mean, I'm not sold on the children aspect… but I'm not closed off to it either. If Mr. Absolutely Perfect came into my life and wanted children, I think it would most definitely be up for discussion. Especially if I could be their primary caretaker instead of having to worry about going to work every day.  

For the first time in a very, very, VERY long time… I have a clear picture of what I want in life that would truly make me happy. I now have something to meditate on and focus on attracting. I am excited for myself but nervous about what everyone else is going to think when they read this. I mean, do I really seem like the kind of woman that wishes to be a housewife? It may sound strange… but I have so much to offer the right person. I really want to make someone happy. So… doesn't that mean I should be focusing all of my attention on this? 

I mean… if someone had a dream of always being in the Olympics, wouldn't they practice every day, make healthy decisions all the time and take advantage of whatever opportunity came their way that would further their progress? If someone wanted to be a paralegal more than anything, wouldn't they take the proper steps in education, prepare a perfect resume and do whatever it took to secure a position? 

So, other than wishing and asking for it… what does one do if they really, really want to find Mr. Right and create the life of their dreams? Don't the same rules apply? 

Feedback? 

(and please… none of this "as soon as you stop looking, you'll find it" advice… I'm over it)

2 comments:

  1. Yeeeeeah Tina, we're gonna need you to come in Saturday so if you could be here by 8am that'd be great. Thaaaaaaaaanks. But in all seriousness, I think it kind of funny you're a lil bit worried about others percepetions of what you want are. You want it? Make it happen!

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  2. I said it before and I'll say it again: I want to work with you and make this organically-flowing series of blogs into a book. I think we could make it aesthetically pleasing. I think we could make the layers of your life and all of its Inner Truth and Neuroses into a coherent whole. If this is about the truism "write what you know" and you've concluded that what you know is the stellar reality of nothingness, then what you've really encountered is the fact that what you're really seeking is that place of Pure Being (Neti Neti Neti and all that jazz). Exist and become further acquainted with yourself. Write about the hilarity of that process and discover the juxtapositions and then you can put it together with your conversational style intact.

    But that's just, like, my opinion.

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