Saturday, November 6, 2010
"Yes, I Am Looking For A Support Group... What Kind? Um... Can I Send You Some Pictures?"
Tina Verde has changed her relationship status to Single.
Nowadays, this is the common way of letting our friends and family know that we are no longer involved with the person we have been dating. We log on to Facebook and edit our profile - giving everyone who is connected on there a one sentence synopsis indicating that "it didn't work out". I suppose for some it seems a sad way to break the news… however, is there really a good way to make this announcement?
The last two relationships that have ended for me were done so in such a mutual and mature way that I'm convinced I have finally grown up. But you know what? I still cried. I'm torn between feeling like a failure and feeling strong enough to see that things were not as they should have been. Jeremy saw it too. He knew that as much as we loved each other, the relationship we were in was not making either of us happy. I think we both realized how much growth there is still left to do before we are ready to make the kind of commitment necessary to build the sort of future that we both want.
After reading my last blog, he said he finally understood my desire for a year long celibacy period. He had thought it was some sort of self-torture or a way to punish myself for wrongdoings in the past. However, when he read that it was truly about being with me and only me, it made him feel differently about the two of us being together. I'm sort of paraphrasing… but that was basically how the conversation went. And given our previous discussions about my self image and why I started this writing project and The Rules to begin with, it became very clear to us that, well… perhaps I was on to something back in July.
There are no regrets in the relationship - and no sure sign that it is destined to fail. At this point, we are both looking at it as a "not right now" kind of situation. There is something in my head and heart that tells me our relationship was probably meant to look differently… but it's hard to say or put into words what I think it should look like. I don't really think I need to. This is a very good exercise for me in learning how to be unattached to the outcome of a situation.
All logic and vocabulary aside… I am sad. And making that click on the profile part of my Facebook page just makes me… sadder. As I've learned time and time again, the mourning period for the loss of a lover and partner varies - but is never taken lightly. My future is, yet again, a blank canvas. While my desire to put The Rules back in place is most definitely NOT there, I do think it's important to look in the mirror every morning when I wake up and every night before I go to sleep and say "I Love You" to the person I've been neglecting the most all these years. I realize that I have been in a mourning period for the loss of that love for a lot longer than anyone should be.
I'm going to try something different this time around. Normally, I would make myself right about how alone I am by being alone as much as possible. This doesn't seem like the right path to me anymore. I've discovered that the value of family and friendship is much more substantial than I ever gave it credit for. This time, I want to be right about having a support system. Because knowing a bra is supportive doesn't matter unless you actually put it on and experience it yourself.
Ari, thank you for your absolutely lovely and vulnerable message. Our time together was way too short and I feel cheated that I didn't get to know you better when you were in Vegas.
Cory, I am grateful for your patience while I came around. It's fantastic to have your energy back in my life.
Brandy, how wonderful to make the upgrade from "acquaintance" to "friend"! I see adventures in store for us…
Nancy, what can I say? I have entire paragraphs written on how much I love you and it's still not expressive enough. Every minute I spend with you is one that enriches my life.
Mom… that was by far, the best, most open and honest conversation that you and I have ever had. There's no going back now and nothing… nothing makes me happier to know that. I love you so much.
And this was just the last few days.
I feel as if my time of running in a one-man wolf pack is coming to an end. And here I thought I needed a lover to make me feel like I was a part of something special or a support group full of people that I don't know to remind me that I am important and worthy. As it seems, I don't need to look that far to find a group of amazing individuals after all. I just need to call, text, email or go into my living room. I guess I had an Easy Button this whole time.
Tina Verde has changed her relationship status to… Winning.
Posted by Tina V at 11:46 PM