Wednesday, December 15, 2010
The GREEN Lantern? Tina VERDE? Coincidence? I Think Not...
My mood is very much matching the weather today here in Las Vegas. It's been overcast pretty much all day and the clouds are thick and cover the sky completely. Unlike Washington state, the sky continues to have texture, not just a plain gray slate that threatens rain all day long. I doubt it will rain, but it's not looking likely that it will clear up either.
I've attempted a few standbys that usually perk me up, but nothing seems to be working. So… I thought maybe I'd just go ahead and let myself be sad for a while. Sometimes I think it is as important as being happy - I read once that we need to embrace the times we are feeling unhappy so that when the time comes that cheerfulness returns, we can recognize and cherish it all the more.
The trouble with these kinds of days is that my brain starts to go. And when it goes, it goes. Instead of just sitting in a corner and allowing it to runneth over, so to speak, I thought sitting down for a good healthy write would be a better outlet.
I updated my relationship status on Facebook again a couple of days ago. I put that I was back in a relationship. I received some nice comments and a few texts about whether or not it was a new guy. I explained that Jeremy and I were giving it another chance and everyone was very pleased (well, except a male friend of mine who wanted to give us a shot and another girlfriend who was already trying to set me up with a friend of hers).
However, I have felt a little weird since making that status change. I suppose it is because it doesn't really feel like it's completely true. Yes, Jeremy and I are dating again and things are going well. But to claim that we are in a relationship still feels a little soon. We both made it clear that we will have to take things "one day at a time" and try not to overanalyze or set expectations this time around.
I hate "one day at a time". Not much romance or excitement there. But, it is certainly logical and we have both decided in our stupid logical heads that it's the best way to handle things for now.
Besides, we do love each other. I have faith that in the end, that will be enough. I just thought love was supposed to be a little more… crazy, impulsive, passionate, spontaneous and irrational. Perhaps I need to stick with Law & Order and lay off the chick flicks.
I was out the other night with this male friend of mine. Let's call him… Mike. Mike is one of the nicest guys I've ever met. He has pretty bad taste in women - tends to attract the crazy ones - but is full of good intention and I think with just a little more patience and positive attitude, he will do just fine in meeting a great woman one day. For a little while, he thought that woman might be me. I'm not sure if he still feels that way, but he respects me enough not to push the issue now that I'm dating Jeremy again.
An interesting subject was brought up while we were hanging out that made me decide that it's probably time to write a blog about it. Children. Mike wants them. I don't. Always a pretty quick in and out when discussing the possibility of a relationship.
You may remember in a not too distant post I was talking about meeting the man of my dreams. I mentioned that if Mr. Right walked into my life and wanted kids, it would be something that I would consider. When Jeremy and I started talking again, he said he was very surprised by that comment and thought I completely loathed children. I actually took a bit of offense to this as I have never, ever used that word to describe the idea of being a mother. I have always said the same thing over and over and over. I find it incredibly interesting what people hear.
I thought I would say it again - maybe in the written word, my words will be better translated and understood.
Never in my life have I actually felt the desire to have children. There have been times when I thought I might want to one day - maybe even counted on it. I figured that as I grew up, all of my friends would turn out to be right and I would end up wanting children. I have talked about having kids before, but never from the place of "I want them". I only explored what it felt like to imagine myself as a mother. Every single time, I would gravitate back to my original position of "yeah… I just don't want them." This may change. But it never has. So, I can't guarantee that it ever will.
There are lots of reasons behind how I feel and they have changed many times over the year. Regardless of my reasons at any given time, the answer reamins the same. Nope. Not for me.
They say now that I've turned 30, that old biological clock will start ticking away and everything will change. Well, maybe. I'm sort of waiting to see if that's true. I'm not necessarily fighting against it, but I know that at this point in my life, there is still absolutely no desire to have children.
As my logical brain has pretty much cursed my romantic, crazy, insanely passionate and spontaneous love life wishes, is has done the same for the idea of having a family. In my mind, it's just not the logical decision.
Disclaimer: I have many friends who have children. I have a beautiful nephew. I think that there is absolutely nothing wrong about two people deciding to have a child together. I may judge many things, but I am not judgmental about the reasons that people choose to have children. I feel this is important to say as my opinions can sometimes appear that I feel the opposite of this. I assure you, these are simply my feelings about my choices and that's it.
With that said, here are my thoughts.
I think the world is insanely overpopulated.
I think the concept of having our names live on through our children is outdated and ego driven. So is the idea that the child has to be of my own blood. Weird analogy… but I am completely 100% passionately against the breeding of animals for sale. I have no idea why someone would rather spend $1,200 on a dog because of it's reputation and papers instead of spending less than $100 to adopt and save a dog that is otherwise going to be put down or die on the streets. I think if more people walked through an orphanage before starting a family, there is a chance that they might have second thoughts.
Ever wonder why it is so difficult to adopt a child? Because there is no bigger privilege and responsibility in the world than raising children. Adoption services take this idea very seriously and therefore, do not make it easy for the average person to adopt. I wish more people took this process more serious when thinking about having their own children. As Keanu Reeves says in one of his more profound moments in movie history, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car and even to catch a fish. But any asshole off the street can become a parent.
There is nowhere in the world I would rather live than the United States. Even with the mess we are in today. With that said, I pretty much disagree with every major decision our government makes. We have these two extreme sides that are blasting each other's opinions all the time and try to set up laws and policies that meet somewhere in the middle. While we do better than a lot of countries, I still think it's a joke.
I barely understand what the hell we are thinking half the time and can't imagine trying to explain it to another person. The tension in this country is so thick at times that I really don't think I'd be surprised if there was some sort of apocalyptic type occurrence that left us all at square one. I'm not sure I want to be raising a little one with all of this madness going on around us.
I have very progressive and non-conforming beliefs on medicine and health care. Once again, if someone chooses to take an aspirin because their head is hurting, that is their own decision. However, if my child has a fever and they want me to dump a bunch of cold medicine down it's throat or crush up some baby aspirin and feed it to him, I'm not going to want to do that. I don't even believe in the way our hospitals handle childbirth. I feel very strongly against all of this, however, in this kind of society, I would be considered unfit or abusive if I didn't feed my baby medicine every time they sneezed.
Now, if all I have ever wanted my entire life was to have a baby, then I would make it a priority to find a father that shares my beliefs, live in a community that supports the way I would want to raise my child and, without a doubt, I would adopt.
I don't take birth control. Once again, I don't take any pills unless somebody convinces me that I'll probably be hospitalized or die without them. (Hospitalization just means more medicine. No bueno). I am not having a foreign object inserted into my body that messes with my hormones and while I might be able to find a doctor to perform a surgery to keep me from having children, I don't believe in messing around with my body like that and, plus, there is that chance that I could change my mind about having kids in the future. Unlikely… but always possible.
So, I'm left with condoms. I know every time I have sex that I am taking a risk and might get pregnant. I guess I leave a lot of it up to the Universe. I take all the necessary precautions I can based on my beliefs and have faith that things will turn out as they should. Abortion used to be an option for me when I was younger, but again - if it's an unnatural process, I'm just not down with it anymore. And abortion to me is unnatural.
As almost every mother has told me, having a baby is a lot like I describe what I think being in love should look like; crazy, impulsive, passionate, spontaneous and irrational. I wonder if I did get pregnant… would everything I mentioned above just go right out the window? Would I just love my child with every ounce of my being and let everything else work it's way out? Isn't that what most parents end up doing when they realize that having all the answers is unrealistic?
I guess these are things I'll never know unless I'm looking them right in the face.
So, although not the most exciting thing in the world, perhaps a love based on logic isn't all that bad. Maybe one day, I'll change my mind about this. Most likely though, I'll keep my head on, make decisions that are good for the world and be with a man who simply loves me for who I am, without all the expectations.
However, if things do change, and I decide to move to Hollywood to chase the newly single Ryan Reynolds, marry him and have fifteen of his babies, you are all free to tell me "I told you so."
Posted by Tina V at 4:59 PM