Monday, January 3, 2011

Leave It To Me To Name A Female Cat After A Football Player

It's almost 7:00am. I've been awake for hours. The sky has lightened and the day is beginning. I'm listening to the sounds of people leaving their apartments and warming up their cars, getting ready to start their work week. 

The holidays are finally over. The regular season for football has come to an end and playoffs will begin. 2011 is upon us and it's time to move forward. 

I am not okay. 

I haven't felt this bad about myself in a very long time. And I'm scared. 

I'm scared because of what I'm not doing. I'm scared because of who I am being right now. I'm scared of who I was yesterday. I'm scared that I don't know who I will be tomorrow. 

I'm hungover. Again. My hair still smells like the bar I sat in all day yesterday. Yes, it was the final football game of the season. I was hanging out with friends. It was Sunday of New Year's weekend. I could come up with a hundred other reasons justifying why I sat and drank all day long. In fact, that's all I've had lately are reasons. 

It's Thanksgiving. 

It's a holiday party. It's another holiday party. It's Christmas. 

It's New Year's Eve. It's New Year's Day. It's football. 

It's time to be honest with myself. 

I'm avoiding. And I'm drinking too much. I'm not living in excellence. 

I look at the resolution list I made and find it to be very impressive. It sounds like I really have my shit together and have all kinds of plans to move forward. In reality, I don't even know where to begin. 

It's a bit of a struggle to write at the moment. Literally… my new cat, Bailey wants to lay down on top of my laptop and I have to keep moving her back to the side. She has settled down next to me and is proceeding to push all of her weight onto my right hand, waiting for the moment I quit typing so she can take advantage of any petting I may want to do. 

She doesn't care that I don't have a job. She isn't upset that I smell like an ashtray. She doesn't mind that I drank all day and then drove home from across town. She looks at me with no judgment. She is a bundle of love that is simply grateful to be off the streets, out of the shelter and in a warm home with lots of food, toys and cozy places to curl up and sleep. 

She is the reason I've decided to stop crying and take some control over myself. 

I can completely understand the existence of crazy cat ladies now. 

Even in a roomful of people, I feel alone. And while I truly feel like I am connecting with my friends and family more so than ever before, I still find myself going home at night, sitting on the couch and feeling… empty. Having Bailey around has certainly helped. I just thought it would be nice to have something to come home to. Something to take care of. I had no idea that this beautiful creature would so quickly live up to the big heart marking on her back and love me so much. I thought I was the one doing the rescuing. 

Jeremy comes home today. That might help… although I find our relationship to be very strange. I suppose that's how I like it as most of my relationships with men are strange. When I begin dating someone, I move quickly. In my head, I want so badly to be at that point where we are in love, live together, are a part of each other's daily lives and on our way to spending the rest of our lives together. In my heart, I must not really want this as I very rarely attract people that actually fulfill this desire. Even in my relationships, I still feel single. 

Which could explain my behavior recently. Socializing, flirting, giving lots of attention to someone that I know wants a relationship with me. Like so many times before, even though I have someone that I call my boyfriend, I give off the energy that I am available. It sort of feels like I am. 

I hate this part. The messy part. This is the part where I have to look at how I'm behaving and how it's affecting what I am attracting. This is the kind of stuff I'd rather not post on my blog. It's much more fun to post all the good things that are happening or to be inspiring to others. Posting this makes me feel a bit like a failure and not at all like someone to look up to. 

But, I made a commitment to myself when I started this. If I was going to call myself a writer, I was going to write honestly and with no filter. I was going to write on my terms. 

I got a tattoo the other night. It is a writing quill. All of my tattoos are representative of who I am and how I see myself. This one was no different. The only error I think I made in choosing my tattoos are their locations. I have them beginning on the back of my neck and running down my spine. I did this on purpose so I wouldn't have to look at them all the time. I see now that it sort of defeated the purpose of getting them in the first place. If they were truly to remind me of who I am and inspire me to live up to my potential on a daily basis, I probably should've tattooed them on my face. 

I have allowed many absurdities to creep in over the last few weeks. It's up to me to put them in the past and start over. 

I'm tired of this headache. I miss my health. 

I wish I knew what to do next. 

* * * 

I'm having breakfast. It's noon now… I just reread everything I wrote five hours ago. Originally, I was going to take this very "stream of consciousness" piece of writing and put it into a blog that makes sense. However, when I went back and read everything I was feeling this morning, I decided not to change any of it. 

I am feeling better. Well, not physically - physically I still feel like garbage. The amazing omelet I just had helped… mostly I feel better because I'm ready to make a change. Again. 

I suffer from Analysis Paralysis. Heard of it? I start thinking about the five hundred things I want to do (see resolution post) and then get overwhelmed by everything that is involved in moving forward to reach my goals. So… I do nothing. There's that word again, nothing… 

I decided that as much as I want to, it simply doesn't make sense to live a life doing nothing. I just get so nervous about committing to anything because I fear that I will put a lot of time and effort into something just to find out that it wasn't actually what I wanted to do. But, really… isn't that what we all do every day? I mean, it's exactly how we find out what we like and don't like. It's how we discover what works for us and what doesn't. It has been so amazing to have all of this time to float through the day doing whatever pleases me, but it's not taking me in any kind of direction. I certainly haven't been doing anything to ensure that I have a future of being able to continue doing whatever I want. 

I like my resolutions. I think they are solid. I think that with an actual game plan, I really can get these goals accomplished. I just need to stop waiting and start moving. 

Avoidance has been my drug of choice. Not just the last few weeks but with life in general. I made a lot of major changes in my life last year to remove many of the different ways I avoid. However, I have allowed a few of them to creep back in slowly and set up shop again. The cool part about life, though, is that in each moment, a choice can be made. 

After I wrote this morning, I fell back asleep for a little while. I woke up a few hours later to snow falling. My Facebook friends in the Summerlin area of Las Vegas had posted pictures of snow-covered cars and yards. It made me happy… it made me grateful. It made me sad to think of how I could miss mornings like these by taking unnecessary chances with my life and the lives of others. All for the sake of a good time. Those good times have been ending in tears lately and I think it's time I start listening to the inner me that is crying out for attention. 

You are better than this! You are worthy of a bigger life. It's time to start creating the kind of life you have always dreamed of. So… why did you order another drink? 

Better choices… that was what turning 30 was supposed to be about for me. I have slipped… but I caught myself and am ready to recommit to my goals. 

I'd never heard this quote before I saw the movie, Remember Me… but I love it… Ghandi said "Whatever you do in life will be insignificant. But it is very important that you do it anyway." 

When I look at Bailey, I think of this. Her entire life is different because of one little choice that I made that I didn't think was really that big of a deal. I just wanted company. She gets to live a full happy and healthy life now surrounded by love and affection. What was a small thing for me to do ended up making the biggest difference in her life so far. 

The decisions we make every day are important. Sometimes we see the affects right away, sometimes not for a while and some we will never see in our lifetime. But they are there. We are that powerful. I get to remember this and make better choices. 

Starting right now.


2 comments:

  1. Hey Tina,

    Nice post! I've found myself doing something similar with my burger blog (over analyzing 100 different ways to make it happen). Now that I gave myself a launch deadline, things seem to be falling into place more (meaning, I'm actually doing all the little steps that I've been putting off to make the site happen).

    Here's a couple of posts from good ol' buddy Seth that sort of relate to the avoidance thing that I really liked:

    http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/2010/12/just-looking.html

    What are you working on:
    http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/2010/12/what-are-you-working-on.html

    Keep on truckin'

    ReplyDelete
  2. Bailey isn't the only one that looks at you with no judgment.

    ReplyDelete