Monday, January 31, 2011

One Step Closer To Proving The Law Of Attraction: Weird Has Attracted Weird

So I never wrote a letter 
I never took my true heart, I never wrote it down 
So when the lights cut out 
I was left standing in the wilderness downtown 

Now our lives are changing fast 
Hope that something pure can last 

It seems strange…. 
How we used to wait for letters to arrive 
But what's stranger still 
Is how something so small can keep you alive 

We used to wait 
We used to waste hours, just walking around 
We used to wait 
All those wasted lives in the wilderness downtown 

I'm not usually one for posting music lyrics. Although there are some great ones out there, it seems an overplayed tradition. However, I couldn't resist posting a few lines from the song We Used To Wait by Arcade Fire. Something about these lyrics really landed with me and reminded me of how far I've come. 

My date the other night went really well. Like, really well… easily the most fun I've ever had on a first date. It wasn't just the bowling, the karaoke, the socializing or even the beer. All those things were wonderful and contributed to a great night. What made it so amazing was the laughter. The genuine, unforced, beautiful laughter that kept the night rolling smoothly without the uncomfortable awkwardness that comes so often with hanging out with someone for the first time. 

He's different. He's unusual. In his words, he's "weird". Certainly seems right up my alley, doesn't it? 

He's also honest. He's funny. He can bring the entire room to the floor with laughter. He can also make the most shy and uncomfortable person in the place feel like they belong. He has eyes that do more than look at you… they see you. He wears compassion on his sleeve. He doesn't take life too seriously, but knows when it's time to be serious. 

And this is after knowing him for just a few days. 

In a textual conversation we were having earlier, I realized that I had to be very honest with him about something if we were going to pursue a relationship. First of all, I asked him to read all of my blogs, specifically the very early ones where I divulge all the information about my relationship history (gulp). I also want him to understand why I don't get up and go to a job every day and the big things I am up to. I need him to know about Jeremy's role in my life as it is extremely important to me for a multitude of reasons. 

I need him to know about my more complicated side. Like with Jeremy, I need him to know everything about me from the beginning. 

I also gave him my latest disclaimer: I told him that since I have chosen to put my life and experiences on a platform for everyone to see, he needs to be willing to get up there with me. What sets me apart as a writer, in my opinion, is that I have chosen to do what the song talks about NOT doing - I have taken my heart out, I have written it down. I have been in the wilderness and found the light to lead me back to life. I do this with open, honest and vulnerable communication about who I am, the mistakes I make, the victories I have and the struggles in between the two. I write so that people feel less alone. I write so that the islands that we find often ourselves on seem a little bigger… and a little closer together. 

I write because it's makes me feel alive. 

As I waited for his response to my "disclaimer", I chewed my lip… Jeremy was a great sport about all I wanted to share, but because of his profession, I could never get as candid as I really wanted to. I never felt like I could really paint an accurate picture of what our relationship looked like or meant to me. I felt a little trapped at times. In fact… I wrote less and less because I questioned everything I wanted to write about. 

The past few days, it seems like I don't know where to start because suddenly, I have so much I want to get out. 

I was thinking about this when my phone beeped with his response: 

"Your disclaimer kind of sounds like "I'm going to write about you even if it doesn't work out." Are you trying to scare me away? Because it's NOT working. Just from the few times we have hung out together I can say you are amazing. I can say that you make me laugh which is a good thing. I can say you give me butterflies even though that sounds girly, and I can say just thinking of you makes me smile. With all that being said you can throw your disclaimer out the window because this is one roller coaster I DEFINITELY want to ride. *kiss*" 

People say you can't connect completely over text. I disagree. 

My eyes filled with tears and a couple even rolled down my cheeks. I started laughing. My favorite emotion in the world is laughter through tears. I just felt so relieved. While it has gotten easier and easier to open up to others with all the practice I've been giving myself over the last six or seven months, people's reactions are still unpredictable. 

If he would've told me that he was uncomfortable with me sharing things about us - good and bad - to an audience of people that he doesn't know (and that I won't know once this goes to book), I would have absolutely understood. Being on display is not for everyone. But this is what I want to do - it's important to me. And I know that the right man for me will stand next to me in my endeavors as I will for him and his. 

It started with Jeremy… it's continued with Steven. I am attracting incredible individuals into my life and feel more connected with human nature than I ever have before. My island has certainly gotten bigger and a few people even live there with me now. 

I believe that this one life is all we have to work with. I don't have a life after death story in my belief system. I think we have this one chance to be who we want to be, to say what we need to say and love as much as our hearts can take. 

I used to wait. 

Now, I live. 

1 comment:

  1. Good shite Tina!! Huzzah for awesomeness!! And for being "weird"!! I a lil bit jelly though LoL