Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Where Is The Box That Says "Select All"?

I think it's important to start out by saying that over the last few years, I've gone through a large amount of personal development and have sorted out many things that I definitely do not want out of life or a relationship. I admit that there are times in my life where I still feel the need to reinvent myself and shift energy around. I believe life is a journey and we find all sorts of stuff along the way. Having someone who takes me seriously is the most important thing in a relationship, even if they have different ideas on how living life looks. 

I'm ready to find a partner that I can trust to always be there, to be absolutely nuts about me, to live and love their own life and it's accomplishments and challenges, someone who loves their family, big dogs and football. I also want someone who isn't afraid to be open about their feelings and who understands that happiness is created from within and not something that someone else can provide for them. 

I want someone who can beat me in bowling but not air hockey. 

I want someone to accept me for who I am, not for who I could be. I want a risk-taker and someone with financial confidence and security to help me learn how to be the same way. I want someone that makes my stomach flip when he walks into the room. Every time. I want someone who will hug my mother hello and goodbye and make my dad laugh. I want someone who has enough flexibility in their job to get out of town for the weekend. I want someone who realizes that they don't have to understand me in order to love me. I want someone who will go wine tasting with me one week and watch football all day with a bucket of beers the next. And finally, I want someone who will let me sleep in. This is my perfect relationship. 

I'm a hopeless romantic who loves excitement so logical, analytical and overly patient men need not apply. 

This was my online dating profile that was posted when I met Jeremy. I remember when I first started writing it - it took me a long time. Longer than most of these blogs, in fact (if you can believe that). 

The reason I spent so much time on these few sentences was because I truly wanted to attract the perfect relationship into my life. I don't consider myself to be the kind of girl that has any sort of timeline to meet someone. However, I do crave companionship and have reached a point in my life where I no longer feel the need to date or sleep with multiple people. Like Tenacious D said, "One's all you need." 

Additionally, I've always been comfortable on my own and made a deal with myself years ago that I would choose to be single before I'd settle for someone that wasn't right for me. 

I've mentioned in previous blogs about how Jeremy thought my expectations for a relationship were unrealistic. He said that I was setting myself up for disappointment on my quest for perfection. I tried to believe him and worked very hard at being okay with the parts of our relationship that… well… weren't okay with me. However, I still had that nagging voice in the back of my head that reminded me that I wasn't looking for a perfect person - I was simply looking for the person that was perfect for me. 

Jeremy just got back from a long trip to Michigan. We started dating at the end of September last year and maybe not half, but for a large portion of our relationship, he has been gone. Whether it's for family or business, he leaves for weeks at a time. I'm quite supportive as I know his job is demanding and his family has been dealing with a loss. It's just that when he is gone, I find myself setting up all kinds of things to do to keep myself busy. This last trip he took, I successfully set up what I consider to be a "work week" for me where I've allotted time for writing, working at the stables, networking, reading, exercise, music downloading, internet research, socializing and a number of other miscellaneous projects that coincide with my resolutions. It's been wonderful. I've felt very productive and fulfilled. 

I've also felt happy being on my own. To the point where I became a little uneasy at the thought of Jeremy coming home and having to make time for him and his crazy, unpredictable schedule. Once this thought creeped into my head, I knew it was time for me to sit down and take some inventory on what was going on. 

A question has come up with a few of my friends as well as one of Jeremy's friends over the last month or so. "Do you ever think he can be the kind of man you need him to be for this relationship?" 

There is no doubt in my mind that I love him. How could I not? He's amazing and wonderful and caring and wants more than anything else for me to be happy. The only problem with that is that, as I indicated in my profile, happiness comes from within. And while he has given me the greatest gift anyone ever has - the time and freedom to dream big and create the life of my dreams - he still doesn't fit the mold that I created when I asked the universe for my perfect relationship. 

I've been trying to make it work. In fact, over the last few weeks, I've been spending extra time with other male friends of mine that fulfill the needs that I haven't felt were present in my relationship with Jeremy. Take Cory for example. 

Cory is a good listener; someone I can make goofy jokes with and tell fun stories about travel antics over a delicious meal at my favorite breakfast place. He's my bar buddy - always down for a game of darts or a night out on Fremont. I always know what to expect with Cory and our past relationship has helped to create a strong and trustworthy friendship that I cherish deeply. 

With Justin I get intellectually challenged while also being able to provide my own support in his new relationship - which makes me feel important and needed. He always thinks of me when planning a get together. I've known Justin longer than almost anybody I've met in Las Vegas and while we have certainly had our own relationship ups and downs, I wouldn't trade our friendship for anything. His compassion and commitment to being a better person is something that I admire greatly. 

Travis is one of very few people who share my overall belief system about the world. With him, I get intense conversations of responsibility, Universal Law and endless run-ons about the emotional strength of whatever football teams just played. We are able to laugh about the situations that we create for ourselves as well as give sound advice on how to create something new/different/better. I don't see him nearly as often as I should, but there is something very comforting about knowing he is only a phone call away. 

And with James, I get a good time. Every time. I feel pretty and funny and, I'm not going to lie… I love the attention. We sing ridiculous songs at karaoke, drink Guinness out of straws just for a good photo opportunity (okay, that was just him), and rap about the crazy world of restaurant management. He is easy to be around, loves to have a good time and doesn't take life too seriously. He reminds me to relax and let my hair down when I start living a bit too long inside my head. 

With Jeremy, I get encouragement, stability and logical conversations about life and the decisions we come up against as people. And good sex. Not to mention the countless other wonderful things I've written about that show his support and love for me, my writing, my dreams and everything else about what I do. These things are also very important to me. It's just that I want everything I've listed above without spending the extra money on gas. 

I guess I just figured I could make it work with Jeremy by "getting my fix" elsewhere. And while I definitely don't mean cheating, I also don't think this is truly the healthiest way to have a relationship with someone. 

Thankfully, as I began having my conversation with Jeremy tonight about all of this, he opened up to me that he had been doing a lot of thinking while back home and without me even having to go into detail, he knew that things weren't working. He realized that he can't be the man he wants to be - for anyone - while he is trying to become successful at his newly chosen career. He admitted that he puts his needs and his time (as they relate to work and money) before everything else. And… he's not willing to make a change. 

When he asked what he could do to continue to support me in my new endeavors, I simply smiled and told him to keep doing what he is doing. His support is like nothing I've had before and it inspires me every day to continue pushing forward with my juicy dreams. As we discussed last time we separated, it's very likely that the universe gave us to each other for a reason that is not yet known to us. But we both agree that forcing a relationship that is just not working isn't the answer. 

Yes, I'm sad. It's always sad… but I'm also okay and so is he. It's different than last time we separated. It definitely feels more… certain. But at least this time, we know that we actually gave it a shot - and we saw very clearly how we can continue to benefit each other's lives in substantial ways. This pleases me. 

D, I love you very much. Thank you for who you are, who you've been and who you will be. You make a difference every day. 

Wow… it's nice that the days of screaming, crying and throwing clothes out the window are over with. 

I guess this means we're growing up.

1 comment:

  1. 1) Growing up is the boo-boos. But it does make coping with things much easier. 2) Your most recent situation sounds disturbingly similar to mine. A raise of the pint to Tina!!