Wednesday, March 16, 2011

And Here I Thought "Trapped In Paradise" Was Just Another Silly Nicolas Cage Movie

I'm writing this from the back seat of an A330 aircraft. For those that aren't sure what this is, it's a big friggin' plane. When I say I'm in the back seat, I mean that actual last set of seats on the plane. Right next to the bathroom and in front of the service area. 

I have this really neat book that my mom got be for Christmas that has all these cool random facts and "how to's" and there is a page on how to pick the best seat on an airplane. According to my book, being in these seats gives us the best possible chance for survival if the plane were to crash. Other than that sparkle of optimism, I'm pretty annoyed. Because according to my book, they are also the loudest seats on the plane, I get the company of everyone who wants to wait in line for the bathroom, we get to be served last for drinks and food and, of course, we will be the final people off the plane once we arrive in Las Vegas. 

Hello, Debbie Downer… thanks for stopping by. 

Jeremy was trying to do something nice by surprising us and getting all of our seats close together while we grabbed some food in the airport. So my carefully chosen seat in the front of the plane with the best view, quiet location and a little extra leg room for Steven was given to some other lucky bastard while we are stuck here dealing with bright lights to prevent any kind of sound sleeping, listening to silly conversations from the service staff and hearing constant flushing of the airplane toilet for the next six hours. I'm trying to find the humor in the situation… after all, it does seem to be an appropriate end to a vacation that was less than stellar. 

I have always said that no matter how great a relationship is going, before doing anything crazy like moving in together or opening a joint bank account, you need to travel with that person. Traveling brings out almost all aspects of a person's personality. Excitement, stress, happiness, frustration and, of course, patience. Or sometimes the lack thereof. The way I see it, if you can get through a five day vacation with a person, you should feel pretty comfortable when you decide to adopt that puppy together. 

Now, I definitely think Steven and I made a bad choice in choosing a group vacation for our first trip together. I'm actually quite a good trip planner. I like to do lots of research and find great values in regards to accommodations, I map out places to see, things to do and people to visit. When I went to school, I wanted to be an special event coordinator because I like taking all the different pieces of an EVENT and putting them together. I'm pretty sure my wedding will be super awesome one day… 

Anyhow, this trip was very different for me because while we certainly had the freedom to do what we wanted, we had to be considerate to everyone else who was on the trip. Not everyone likes a 6am to midnight day of different activities. I like to have an agenda. I love to travel and see as much as I can in the place I'm at. Because of this, a group trip to a sleepy beach town in Kauai was a little rough on my nerves. Sitting on the beach all day every day may sound like the absolute perfect vacation to someone. I am not that someone. 

We did see some pretty cool shit. Waimea Canyon was pretty spectacular, we had a great day trip on a boat where we snorkeled, saw sea turtles, dolphins and lots of whales, we did a massive, no joke hike up to Hanakapi'ai Falls and made friends with a few local bartenders who made our Happy Hour Mai Tais worth the $7.00 we paid for them. However, as we reflect on the last five days, we both agree that it would have been nice to have been able to spend more time together without having to be at the mercy of what everyone else was up to. 

This sounds so bad… I don't mean it to. The last thing I want to do is sound ungrateful. After all, we wouldn't even be in Hawaii if it weren't for Jeremy. Plus, everyone we met on the trip was super nice and welcoming. And the friends that stayed in the beach house with us were very fun and cool. But because no one really knew each other all that well, it can be a little difficult to just let your hair down and be yourself. Plus, to a certain extent, I felt very obligated to keep my schedule open for whatever Jeremy might have had planned for us while we were there. This isn't a comfortable position for a person with control issues such as myself. 

As a result, the stress, frustration and lack of patience parts of our personalities came out a little stronger than our excited and happy parts did. As I eluded to in my previous post, on our second night in Kauai, Steven and I had a bit of a blowout after some cocktails in town. I was pretty unhappy with how things went down and some things that were said. Normally, in an effort to clear any negative energy, I would have brought up my concerns and discussed them until they no longer bothered me. However, I didn't want to create any kind of bad energy for the rest of the trip so I just figured I would deal with everything when we got back to Las Vegas. 

Ever notice when you consciously try to avoid doing something, you just end up attracting it even more? Never underestimate the power of your thoughts… 

As yesterday was our last day on the island, we wanted to have a really fun night. We did our hike in the morning and were a little beat up in the afternoon. So, after a quick rest and a shower to feel refreshed, we got dressed and headed into town to do our souvenir shopping. Afterwards, we went to the bar where we had made friends with the bartender and had a few drinks. We were meeting Jeremy and our house mates for dinner and had managed to find a hole in the wall joint that was doing some karaoke that evening. Sounds fun, right? 

The problem was, I was still holding that energy on Steven. I hadn't forgiven him for what he had said to me that second night and was completely using it against him all day. I was finding reasons to get annoyed and frustrated with him. In an effort to forget about it, I just kept ordering those damn Mai Tais. By the time we wrapped up at the world's worst karaoke and headed back to the house for the night, I was pretty lit up. 

I don't know where the original poking of the bear began, but our conversation quickly went from drunken chatter to a finger pointing session on whose fault it was that things between us felt so messed up. I was angry. He was angry. It wasn't pleasant. After some rough words, he went out to smoke a cigarette and I went into the bedroom to chill out. Thankfully, I didn't just chill out, I passed out.  

When I woke this morning, things felt bad. Icky bad. Without saying much, the two of us got dressed, walked down to a little coffee shop next to the beach house, grabbed a couple of chairs and headed to the beach. I sat there in silence for a very long time and he tried to make light conversation. Then, I told him I felt sad. Then I cried. I thought it was over. I couldn't believe we were going to sit there on this beautiful, serene beach with twenty foot waves crashing before us and break up. 

Where did it all go wrong? Last week, I couldn't stop smiling and expressing my gratitude to the universe for bringing me such an amazing man. All I ever wanted was for someone to treat me the way he did. He made me feel so special and loved. Being with him had made me realize how much I deserved to be happy. We had spent the last month getting all wrapped up in each other's lives and loving every second of it. What happened? 

We talked for a long time. It was during this conversation that I realized I hadn't let go of what had happened earlier in the week and I had let it consume me. I hadn't followed one of my biggest rules - to keep from withholding. I just kept ignoring how I felt until I had found a hundred more reasons to be upset. Not to mention, alcohol mixed with negative energy is definitely the worst kind of cocktail. It was much better to be having this conversation with him sober and with a clear mind. 

I've been surrounded by "know it alls" lately. Being the way I am, this makes me look at where I am being a "know it all" in my own life. Like attracts like, after all. Sometimes, my confidence about certain things crosses over into cockiness and I can't look past what I think is right long enough to see that someone else's opinion may be the more valid one. I also get very condescending when I allow my arrogance to take the front seat. I don't like that part of myself. I probably should've seen this coming sooner than I did but even for me, living in a constant place of responsibility can get exhausting. That's why so many people choose to be victims. It is easier. However, by allowing myself to drift away from what I know to be my True North, I created the icky. 

Luckily, Steven is so devoted to this relationship. For longer than I can remember, I haven't been with someone who was willing to chase me down the street if I left. While I don't ever want to test him, I am very confident that Steven would only allow me a brief head start only while he laced up his running shoes. And I think he's scared about what all of this has become in such a short period of time. I think there might be part of him that doesn't realize how deserving and worthy he is to be with a woman who loves him unconditionally and without any kind of expectations other than getting that love back. I think sometimes he might sneak in moments of self-sabotage into our relationship. I see this because I've done it many times in the past. What he might not realize is that I'm a pretty good runner too, and I'm willing to take off after him as well. 

Hmmm… I just realized that I haven't been with anyone I've wanted to chase after in so long, it's no wonder I haven't attracted this quality in someone else until now. See how that works? Ah, universe… with your never-ending lessons. 

So, we didn't break up on the beach. Instead, we did what we needed to from the very beginning of this mess. We communicated. We took responsibility for the roles each of played and made a commitment to continue doing what we do best: loving each other. 

This seat sucks, this flight has been uncomfortable and this week was drama. And I attracted it all. For this, I am grateful. I like that something is looking out for me, reminding me that only when I am being the best form of myself will I truly know what living life to its fullest feels like. 

My souvenir t-shirt says it all: Listen to your heart, follow its path, live the life only you were meant to live. 

Mahalo, Universe.

1 comment:

  1. Didn't you learn anything from LOST? The "tailies" got screwed big time! (nice post by the way!)