Wednesday, March 23, 2011

It's Not So Bad Now That Cee Lo Made A Song Out Of It

"While I always enjoy reading these blogs, some vital details were left out here. In the interest of unbiased, full-disclosure, this omission could compromise the trust you've created between you and your reader. 

Not to mention the fact that I'm unbelievably curious and feel a little cheated ;)"

Was anyone else thinking this after the last blog I wrote? I know I was.. 

This was an email I had received from my friend, Whitney after my most recent post. Whitney will be helping me edit and prepare my writings for book form later this year. For that reason, and the quality of our friendship in general, I take feedback like this very seriously. 

I admit, I left out a very important part of the conversation between Steven and I that ultimately led to our blowout that last night in Hawaii. I did this not because I didn't think it would be important to share or because I thought it didn't matter… I left it out because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I knew that if I told everyone what he said, he would be embarrassed and feel like less than the amazing person that I know he is. I didn't want him to worry about his closest friends and family reading something that I know he wanted to take back the minute it left his mouth. I thought I was being considerate. 

And I was… however I was also jeopardizing the integrity of my beliefs and my writing. A lot of people have blogs… a lot of people write about a multitude of topics. I write about honesty. I write about being honest with myself and those around me, no matter what the cost. I write about taking responsibility for what I do and who I am. I also make sure to write when I find myself not doing all of these things. I write with the hope that someone else finds their voice through my own fully disclosed and fearless projection of my view on life and all of its intricacies. 

This is why I have a disclaimer. To be in a relationship with me, at this stage in my life, is to be put on display for all of those interested in what I have to say. At first, this doesn't sound too bad… especially for someone like Steven who isn't afraid to put himself out there and was so excited to be dating me that he was all about shouting it from the top of a mountain. However, relationships get messy sometimes, and no one wants their dirt spread all over some blogging site on the internet. 

I understand this completely. I also know that for the first time in my life, I feel like I'm doing something purposeful. I feel so connected to what I am writing about that it keeps me grounded and sane in ways I never knew. Every time I finish a post and hit that "publish" button, I feel like I've just achieved something. Kind of like the feeling you get after a really good workout… only better. I never want to write something that isn't completely authentic. I never want to cheat myself and anyone who has a real interest in what I'm up to. I don't write fiction nor do I have any interest in it. I want real relationships in my life, including one with myself. 

So, having said that, please allow me to fill in the gap… 

Fuck you. 

No, no… not YOU. That's what he said to me. We were spitting sarcasm back and forth at each other while standing in the parking lot that second night in Hawaii. Something he had said (which I honestly can't remember now) had set me off and I jabbed a patronizing remark at him in a half-assed effort to mellow him out. It backfired badly as he looked right at me and delivered the two words that stayed with me for the rest of the trip and spearheaded our second fight. 

Like I said, relationships can get messy. 

Steven and I have a lot of positive things in our corner that encourage the possibility of a wonderfully working relationship. We also have a few things that we haven't been able to work out yet. Some of it it easy to explain… for example, our age difference. I am five years older than he is. It's not a huge difference, but it is big enough to have created an experiential gap. I think back to five years ago and the person that I was and it really puts things into perspective for me. A lot has happened since then and I have almost an entirely different belief system now. I can't say everyone has gone through the amount of personal change that I have, but since I am all I have to go off of, it makes it easy for me to see why Steven and I find ourselves butting heads a little. 

Some of it is not so easy to explain… like why he and I can't seem to go out and "get our drink on" without it ending in hostility. I've always considered myself to be a pretty fun drunk, however there have been occasions in the past where a particular person and I become oil and water once we start a tab. Not often… and not for a while… but it has been a problem for me and Steven. I'm still trying to work that out. It could be that the Universe is telling me to stop drinking… or it could be telling me or Steven (or both of us), that it's time to deal with the demons that come up when we've been a little heavy on the sauce. 

So, now that a couple of the new-relationship-butterflies have flown and we are starting to deal with real-life couple issues, he isn't as comfortable with me writing about things. I can't say I blame him, but... 

I spend so much of this blog talking about the things I mess up or do wrong and the lessons that I learn because of it. I talk about my past and all of its mistakes. I talk about the negative things I've said and done to people and how the results of my actions have encouraged me to take a different path. I still stumble, I still falter, but I'm determined to use all of this in a way that can, hopefully, encourage others to realize that this is what life is about. The white picket fence is an illusion. Families aren't perfect and the happiest of couples have spent nights with one on the couch and the other crying in bed. 

Even Lassie peed in the house when he was a puppy. 

I'm not sure if I can ever get people to understand how liberating it is to speak from a place of honesty and vulnerability all the time. All I know is how cheated I feel when I don't. 

I spent years lying, withholding, exaggerating the truth and flat out making shit up. I did it to make myself look smarter, cooler, older and more bad-ass. But when I went home and laid in bed, I felt dumb, lonely, immature and pathetic. Mostly, however, I simply found that I just didn't know who I was. 

Not everyone likes me (hard to believe, I know), and many people don't agree with me putting everything out there for the world to see. I have offended my family and my friends on a number of occasions with some of the things I've said. Hurting those that I love was never my intention… but I would rather someone not like me when I am being 100% Tina than like me for some false facade I've created. 

I don't get much feedback on a regular basis other than "I really enjoy reading your blogs" (which I LOVE to hear!). However, every once in a while, I will get an email from someone that I didn't even know read my blogs and it will say something like this: 

"Wow Tina...reading what you write.. its like you're in my head! You look at things the same way I do... and think of yourself the same way! And I am going through the same thing… I love reading what you write! And knowing that I'm not the only one with questions always running in my head... 

Thank you for speaking your mind... I wish I could! And you are a strong person!!! Much more then you think! :)"

And this is why I do what I do… even when it sucks. 

Thanks to everyone who reads… and whether you give feedback or not, just the fact that you keep tuning in is what keeps me going. 

Ultimately, this is not about a book, or being 30 years old, or the law of attraction. It's about being real. 

And this is really me.



2 comments:

  1. 30 years old? Yikes, Im a geezer. Not really, I know, but I always feel like Im eternally stuck at being 18 or 19. No matter who Im around. Just bein' honest, ya know, stealin your thunder LoL. 100% Tina, Not From Concentrate!!

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  2. I've told you before I wish I could be as open and honest as you...not gonna happen but I really admire your confidence to put it all out there. Enjoy the blogs and forever thankful for your inspiration.

    Lucky to have you and Right-Doggy as my food guinea pigs.

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