Monday, March 7, 2011

"What Did I Tell You About Thinking Negative Thoughts?" "To Not To..."

Exactly one week later, Steven and I experienced a completely different kind of day… The Day of Epic Wins. 

We enjoyed great company all day, helped out a friend, supported other friends in their charitable endeavors (St. Baldrick's Day), hit every green light in Vegas and finished off with a nice, mellow and drama-free evening at karaoke. Good food, good drinks and good conversations were the salt and pepper of that wonderful day. 

Life is amazing that way. The winds change so often and without notice… it makes it hard to get too down when things don't seem to be going along desirably. 

Although I am struggling with quite a few things internally, it's not difficult to stay positive these days. A solid relationship is a pretty powerful thing, as I always imagined it would be. How can I be too upset about certain aspects of my life when I know I get to see him and be accepted as I am, no matter what is going on in my head or what I think of myself in any given moment? 

I have a friend that I worked with at Chili's. He is an exceptionally solid person… very attractive,  wonderful sense of humor, quite flirtatious but also extremely particular about the kind of girl he wants to be in a relationship with. He has a son who means everything to him and, like a good father should, puts his child's needs way before his when considering dating someone. In fact, the whole time I knew him, I never saw him in a serious relationship with anyone. I knew that he wasn't willing to put any physical desires before his son's emotional needs and, therefore, never lost his integrity, no matter how many girls brushed up against his six-pack at work. 

His birthday was a couple of weeks ago. I sent him a text message to wish him a happy one and he responded back with a thanks… then asked if I had heard that he was fired from Chili's after four years of employment. I had not heard this and asked him to explain… he called me and gave me the details. 

As many of the terminations at Chili's seem to be, his was filled with strange accusations and what I would consider to be wrongful. He was a good employee, but disagreed with a lot of things management did and didn't do to ensure a positive work environment. Of course, I only heard his side of the story, but in my time at Chili's, I saw a lot of things go down that I am not comfortable with, therefore I couldn't help but empathize with what he was going through. 

I asked him if he had found another job yet and he said he hadn't. He is the sole provider for his son and I know that he worries about being able to support him. He is in the process of trying to get someone at the corporate office at Chili's to hear his side of the story and get involved so that other employees don't have to suffer at the hands of a poorly managed working environment. He is the kind of person that believes in standing up for what he believes is right and I know that it is taking a lot of his time and energy. I hope he is able to make some headway on this. I quit my job there and ran… I applaud him for sticking with it and trying to make things right for others. 

At the end of our conversation, I asked if he was doing okay. I could actually hear him smile through the phone as he replied, "Are you kidding? Things are great." 

A few months after I quit, I heard that he had started dating someone at work… something that he was always adamant about NOT doing. However, when I found out who it was, I couldn't help but smile myself. He literally chose the sweetest, happiest and most beautiful girl in the restaurant to start dating. 

She had just gone through a bit of a messy divorce and had been making me sad on a daily basis with her out-of-character Facebook posts about being miserable and feeling like the worst person in the world. She has a daughter who means the world to her as well and was having a hard time dealing with the fact that she simply wasn't in love with her husband anymore. 

So, when I heard that these two beautiful people with so much love for their children and their faith and so much integrity in their belief systems went and fell for each other, I was thrilled. Like I said, a solid relationship is a pretty powerful thing. 

I'm having difficulty finding balance in my life at the moment. I'm a little wrapped up in all the fun I'm having, but not marrying it very well with my responsibilities and commitment to myself. I continue to make time for writing my blog simply because I love it, but haven't spent much time marketing it or getting it noticed outside my circle of friends. I have started to think about how I want it to look when I begin putting it into book form, but when I discuss it with Whitney, I tend to get overwhelmed by things that perhaps I should be doing that I'm not. 

When I started this blog, I was committed to a year long process, documenting all the things that come up for me as I live my thirtieth year. I still love this idea, but it means that I won't start wrapping things up and begin the editing process until July… my bank account will not make it until then. 

I can ask for more money… I know I have the support from Jeremy to do so… but there is a part of me that tells me that I'm not working hard enough to deserve anything extra. When he gave me the money the first time around, his exact words were that I could accept it given I quit my job and focus completely on my writing. I've definitely focused on this blog, but in addition, I've focused very much on my social life. I've spent a lot more money on frivolous things than I should have. I've adopted a mentality that while I have this opportunity, I should take it to do the things I've always wanted to do but couldn't afford to. It's not like I went and bought a new car or anything… but I do find myself going out whenever I want and buying that really cute shirt that I definitely don't need just because I can. 

Now, don't get me wrong… there is a part of this thinking that has a positive and Universal twist to it… in addition to doing the things I have always wanted to do, I am working on adopting a new mental process that includes feeling like I do deserve these good things… and also getting used to the idea that I have plenty and will always have prosperity coming my way. This is part of creating tangible realities with our thoughts. Not an easy concept to grasp and execute, but something I believe very strongly exists. But… I have lived with negative thoughts about money and prosperity for so long that I'm afraid I won't be able to "figure" it out before I reach a zero balance. 

And now I'm going to Hawaii for five days? St. Patrick's Day and a Karaoke Black Belt Ceremony as soon as we get back? Requests for me to plan a girl's get together and the desire to put together social activities like writing sessions and hikes with friends? Bowling tournaments with the family, weekly practices with my bowling coach, belting up at Karate Karaoke and spending as much time with Steven as possible? Finding the time and making the commitment to slow and then reverse my weight gain as I only have two pairs of jeans left that I can fit into? 

Rent? Car? Insurance? Utilities? Groceries? Phone? My cat? My spinning head??? 

Balance… why must you elude me… 

Okay, that's a bit of a victim statement - the truth is, I'm in love. And everything I have ever wanted in my life has taken a backseat to wanting to feel the way I feel right now. He is my priority. Our relationship is what means the most to me right now and I'm letting it jump ahead of everything else that I also want to be working on. And when he reads this, I know he'll feel bad, as if he is the reason I'm not feeling productive at the moment… although I tell him all the time, I really hope he understands that I live 100% in responsibility. No one causes me to do - or not to do - anything. I call the shots and the final score is not me against the world… it's me against myself. 

We leave for Hawaii Wednesday night. I plan on writing every morning from the porch that overlooks the ocean. I will enjoy every minute I am out there and remind myself again and again that I deserve the happiness and opportunities I've been given. I will also be searching for ways to achieve balance in my life and am anxious to come back, full force, and follow through on commitments I have made to myself. 

I will think of my friends from Chili's… who know that life does get difficult, but when you roll over in the morning and look into the eyes of the one you love and know the difference you are making in the lives of others (especially your children!) it's worth it to step up, take the wheel and create the life you deserve… to create that Day of Epic Wins again and again. As human beings, we all deserve this kind of happiness. 

Knowing this is the first step. Teaching them is the next. 

Out of the night that covers me, 
Black as the Pit from pole to pole, 
I thank whatever gods may be 
For my unconquerable soul. 

In the fell clutch of circumstance 
I have not winced nor cried aloud. 
Under the bludgeonings of chance 
My head is bloody, but unbowed. 

Beyond this place of wrath and tears 
Looms but the Horror of the shade, 
And yet the menace of the years 
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid. 

It matters not how strait the gate, 
How charged with punishments the scroll. 
I am the master of my fate: 
I am the captain of my soul. 

"Invictus" by William Ernest Henley


  1. Have fun in Hawaii! Ah yes, the responsibilities of adulthood, especially in today's day and age, are overwhelming. Exhausting us all...and we get up the next day and do it all over again.
    - Michael Verde

  2. It is my profound pleasure watching your and Steven's relationship develop. You both truly deserve the happiness you've found. Life is so very short and we sometimes lose sight of the important things because we're busy with the day-to-day "things" one must do to merely exist.

    Many people spend their whole life searching for one perfect soul mate and never find that person. I believe it is a true gift to be treasured and nurtured when God, the universe, Buddha, karma (whatever you believe) brings that "someone" into your life.

    Have an awesome time in Hawaii! Relax, write and enjoy.