Tuesday, April 19, 2011

"...And As We Enter The Twelfth And Final Round, Logic Is Clearly The Frontrunner"



It’s been just over two weeks since I last posted anything. I kept thinking about it... but it didn’t feel right. I had this overwhelming feeling of being lost amongst gray clouds. The strange part about it was that I knew the way out, but chose to stay in that feeling. There was something oddly comforting about it... something... familiar. 



For a variety of reasons that we are still working out ourselves, Steven and I broke up. That damn Facebook status change button has gotten the best of me again... 

A good friend of mine said to me “You broke up? But I thought this one was The One!” To which I softly replied, “So did I. I think they are all The One.” 

A few of our mutual friends suggested that we might have spent too much time together... maybe rushed things. I used to buy into this reason for relationship mayhem a lot more when I was younger. These days, its a bit of a frustrating theory. After all, if I plan to spend the rest of my life with someone, shouldn’t I be able to go two months with the person without overdosing on our time together? 

As with all of my recent breakups, with the exception of a few uncomfortable email exchanges, we have found a very amicable place to hold our relationship. Neither one of us wants to be without the other one. We get along too well not to be friends... I’m just afraid we are on different pages when it comes to what we want out of a relationship. I have, without a doubt, let my head make the call on this one. My heart isn’t sold yet, as Steven is quite easy to love, but unfortunately she’s always been second in command. 

I wonder how much my writing plays into all of this. As I’ve mentioned numerous times, it can’t be easy being written about all the time... especially when the content is less than favorable. The same mutual friend mentioned to me that my post-Hawaii blog really made Steven look like an asshole. I sat in silence for a long time, trying to shake my simple response of “Well... in that moment, he was an asshole.” 

Ah... Righteous Tina.. I knew you hadn’t traveled too far... 

Because, let’s face it. She was also right and I knew that it was going to come off that way. But if I write with the idea of needing to protect someone’s feelings, suddenly what I’m writing isn’t completely authentic. And that goes against all the reasons I started doing this to begin with. I mean, look at what I put my family through when I first started this blog. And I love them more than anything! 

However, I keep reminding myself that Steven knew what he was getting into. We talked about it many, many, many times. He didn’t like that post-Hawaii blog either, but he also understood why I felt the need to write it. 

So, what was the problem then? 

Simply put, there was something about it that just didn’t “feel” right. I’m not sure if I can explain it any better than that. I can point out specific things that didn’t work for me or situations in which I could see our differences, but it doesn’t really matter. I imagine that when I do find my perfect relationship, I will still see those differences and point out those specific moments of “what the hell was that?” There was something else that just felt... off. For someone that has been in more relationships than I care to count, this feeling is not foreign to me. 

This is when I start to worry. Is my head ever going to approve of the person my heart chooses? If I ignore what my head is saying and go with my heart, will I eventually leave her and come crawling back to him, in a mess of emotions and pain as he comforts me with a “there, there” and an “I told you so”? 

Notice how my head is masculine and my heart is feminine? Logic and Love... the most aggravating couple in the Universe. 

Logic and Love both adored Cory. But after awhile, Love came to me saying that she felt like she was doing all the work. She couldn’t find a connection with his heart and feared that she would always feel unfulfilled. Logic wasn’t happy with the decision, but decided he didn’t want Love crying in his ear all the time and let it go. 

Logic loved Jeremy. He still does. In fact, Logic thinks that Jeremy is the cat’s freaking meow. But Love was confused. She felt something strong at first... but realized after a while that it was more Logic’s influence over her own natural feelings. Logic was very unhappy with the way Love felt, but wasn’t so blind to see that she was right. 

Love was all about Steven. Like I said, he’s a lovable man. It was Love that insisted we spend so much time together, connect with each other as much as possible and learn as much as we could about one another. Logic was into it too in the beginning. He noticed those little things here and there... but wasn’t about to burst Love’s bubble. It was nice to see her so happy for once! 

Then, Steven did a few things that Logic found unacceptable. Love stepped in and pleaded with him... asked him to just give it some time and explained that they were still learning about each other. Logic agreed but stayed very aware of the situation. He couldn’t relax. Now, he was seeing all kinds of things that he didn’t like. But damn that Love and her puppy dog eyes... he gave it some more time. 

And then, one night, Love slipped. She said to Logic, “There’s something that doesn’t feel quite right...” and that was it. Logic jumped on it like a bunch of dogs on a raw t-bone. Before she even knew what was happening, Logic had taken Love and put her behind him, protecting her from getting any more attached and ended the relationship. 

Love was devastated. She tried to take back her concerns and asked Logic to reconsider. But he explained to her that they had agreed on some non-negotiables when determining the kind of relationship they wanted. If they went back on them now, all of their efforts over the years would have been wasted. If they budge, then they have to ask themselves why they didn’t just stay with Ryan, my high school sweetheart, or Eric... or even Marc, Mr. “I Am Dead Inside, Will You Still Love Me,” for that matter... whew... THAT would’ve been a disaster... 

Just for the record, they are still discussing this matter... but like usual, Logic is winning. 

I’m not so naive to think at thirty years old, if I haven’t found someone now, I never will. Of course not. I just wonder at thirty years old, after fifteen years of breakups and heartache, will things swing in the other direction any time soon? Will Love and Logic ever be able to agree completely? 

Like always, only time will tell. 

In the meantime, I’ve quickly settled back into what I know best... taking care of me. I am working again as a server and bartender, I’ve just completed an indoor cycling certification course so I can teach spin classes at local gyms, I’m down three pounds and my home projects are actually getting done. I’m grateful for Bailey, my cat, who while remarkably annoying as she jumps on everything in the house, wants to talk all the time and falls asleep quite comfortably while laying on my face... completely loves me and keeps my apartment from feeling so cold and empty. 

As far as Love and Logic, don’t worry about them. They may be fighting now but they are in it for the long haul and will keep working things out until everything is fine. 

Or until the next time they disagree I suppose. 

Sigh.

9 comments:

  1. The dialogue between Love and Logic is amazing (and a bit sad to see they can't get along). Is there a 3rd party involved? Seems like there's more to it than Love and Logic.

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  2. Wow great dialogue !!!! Um I can totally relate to the love and logic and the issues with one another !!!! Can't wait to read more !! Wish I could explain my thoughts like you do it's amazing !!!
    From Tyler

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  3. Two things: 1)Im jealous of the way your mind works, meaning the different ways your creativity and imagination flow out from you be it art, writing, etc.; and 2)All things eventually reach a stasis so it's just a matter of time. Dont dispute me, its SCIENCE!!

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  4. Very sad. I suppose if Adam and Eve had expected everything in a relationship to be absolutely perfect, none of us would be here today. You are right, there are always those things that are "non-negotiable". I would question, however, if this has been such a repeated event in your life whether Love and Logic are both unrealistic. There is no perfect mate. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone must come to the one they love and ask forgiveness. Perhaps it's time to just live and feel instead of putting everything under a microscope. Perhaps you'd be happier and find "the one".

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  5. Glad you kids are able to be around each other, we like hanging out with you guys.

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  6. Love is an optimist
    Always hoping for better.
    Logic is a pessimist
    Always waiting for the worst.

    Love is giving
    never expecting a reward.
    Logic is a taker
    always demanding more.

    Love listens
    to the heart's emotional pleas.
    Logic disregards
    the pleas of the weak.

    Love embraces
    all and holds on tight.
    Logic watches
    waiting to take control.

    Love is compassion
    caring, sharing, and hoping.
    Logic is indifferent
    looking, running, always knowing.

    Love cries
    anticipating a brighter day.
    Logic is steadfast
    stoically looking back at yesterday.

    Love grieves
    over memories of the past.
    Logic retreats
    pushing those memories back

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  7. @Rodney - I think the third element is just me in general. And quite often, I am the one who is in the way. Would be so nice to have all the answers to how I can make all elements work in my favor... guess I'll just keep searching.

    @Anonymous - I realize I have to be very careful when using the word "perfect". It gets me in trouble a lot. I am not looking for a perfect human being, I'm looking for the partner who is perfect for me, given what I want out of a relationship.

    As far as being microscopic, I hear you! It's so easy to tell someone not to analyze things so much. But as the analyzer, I just can't seem to locate the off-switch to this part of my personality.

    Furthermore, I am the first to say that my expectations are probably unrealistic. I am talked out of this occasionally by friends, family and lovers but it always seems to circle back to me at home, by myself wondering what I did wrong this time.

    I think I'll just leave the Adam and Eve thing alone... :)

    I appreciate your insight and feedback. It definitely went to both my heart and my head...

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  8. I'm truly thankful you walked into my life. I'll never think about "white trash" the same way again. lol. For obvious reasons, I'm really choosy and shy when it comes to dating or even talking to attractive women like yourself. I honestly thought the night we met was just going to be another conversation with another pretty girl.

    Luckily, stalking you on facebook and talking crap about how I would kill you at bowling got me a first date. If I would have known you already, I would have been even more nervous than I actually was.

    For many reasons, you and I connected right away. Maybe it was because weird attracted weird, or maybe it was because we both are incredibly good looking and love karaoke. Whatever it was, I loved every second we shared together.

    In two months I quickly found out that you are a very mature, honest, intelligent, caring, funny, competent, passionate, creative, imaginative, and determined person. And that's just to name a few.

    Thank you for everything you opened my eyes to. You're very inspirational and anybody would be lucky to have you as a friend.

    I also enjoyed your dialogue between love and logic. The things that you think about are pretty awesome. I really like reading everything you post.

    Reading your blog got me thinking and I asked myself..."Is there really a healthy balance between logic and love?"

    "I know if I marinated in logic, it would be difficult for me to acknowledge and allow myself to express my emotions. I know that whenever I felt a strong emotion, I'd push it back and take a while to think about whether or not I should really be feeling that way."

    It's hard for me to think logically when it comes to certain things in a relationship. Maybe that's what was missing, or why you got the feeling that something just didn't "feel" right.

    I know it's hard to connect with someone who overreacts and always acts on emotions. =/

    "When it comes to a relationship or developing feelings towards someone, my emotions completely take over my logical way of thinking." Not always a good thing and it's something I definitely need to work on.

    "When people say follow your heart... I guess I think my heart will lead me to the best decision. I've never sat back and put all my emotions aside and logically thought about the situation." Maybe it's something I need to start doing.

    Congrats on the job and certification. Let me know when you get your classes going, I'd love to sign up. :)

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  9. hmmmm.....one day....

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