Tuesday, April 19, 2011
"...And As We Enter The Twelfth And Final Round, Logic Is Clearly The Frontrunner"
It’s been just over two weeks since I last posted anything. I kept thinking about it... but it didn’t feel right. I had this overwhelming feeling of being lost amongst gray clouds. The strange part about it was that I knew the way out, but chose to stay in that feeling. There was something oddly comforting about it... something... familiar.
For a variety of reasons that we are still working out ourselves, Steven and I broke up. That damn Facebook status change button has gotten the best of me again...
A good friend of mine said to me “You broke up? But I thought this one was The One!” To which I softly replied, “So did I. I think they are all The One.”
A few of our mutual friends suggested that we might have spent too much time together... maybe rushed things. I used to buy into this reason for relationship mayhem a lot more when I was younger. These days, its a bit of a frustrating theory. After all, if I plan to spend the rest of my life with someone, shouldn’t I be able to go two months with the person without overdosing on our time together?
As with all of my recent breakups, with the exception of a few uncomfortable email exchanges, we have found a very amicable place to hold our relationship. Neither one of us wants to be without the other one. We get along too well not to be friends... I’m just afraid we are on different pages when it comes to what we want out of a relationship. I have, without a doubt, let my head make the call on this one. My heart isn’t sold yet, as Steven is quite easy to love, but unfortunately she’s always been second in command.
I wonder how much my writing plays into all of this. As I’ve mentioned numerous times, it can’t be easy being written about all the time... especially when the content is less than favorable. The same mutual friend mentioned to me that my post-Hawaii blog really made Steven look like an asshole. I sat in silence for a long time, trying to shake my simple response of “Well... in that moment, he was an asshole.”
Ah... Righteous Tina.. I knew you hadn’t traveled too far...
Because, let’s face it. She was also right and I knew that it was going to come off that way. But if I write with the idea of needing to protect someone’s feelings, suddenly what I’m writing isn’t completely authentic. And that goes against all the reasons I started doing this to begin with. I mean, look at what I put my family through when I first started this blog. And I love them more than anything!
However, I keep reminding myself that Steven knew what he was getting into. We talked about it many, many, many times. He didn’t like that post-Hawaii blog either, but he also understood why I felt the need to write it.
So, what was the problem then?
Simply put, there was something about it that just didn’t “feel” right. I’m not sure if I can explain it any better than that. I can point out specific things that didn’t work for me or situations in which I could see our differences, but it doesn’t really matter. I imagine that when I do find my perfect relationship, I will still see those differences and point out those specific moments of “what the hell was that?” There was something else that just felt... off. For someone that has been in more relationships than I care to count, this feeling is not foreign to me.
This is when I start to worry. Is my head ever going to approve of the person my heart chooses? If I ignore what my head is saying and go with my heart, will I eventually leave her and come crawling back to him, in a mess of emotions and pain as he comforts me with a “there, there” and an “I told you so”?
Notice how my head is masculine and my heart is feminine? Logic and Love... the most aggravating couple in the Universe.
Logic and Love both adored Cory. But after awhile, Love came to me saying that she felt like she was doing all the work. She couldn’t find a connection with his heart and feared that she would always feel unfulfilled. Logic wasn’t happy with the decision, but decided he didn’t want Love crying in his ear all the time and let it go.
Logic loved Jeremy. He still does. In fact, Logic thinks that Jeremy is the cat’s freaking meow. But Love was confused. She felt something strong at first... but realized after a while that it was more Logic’s influence over her own natural feelings. Logic was very unhappy with the way Love felt, but wasn’t so blind to see that she was right.
Love was all about Steven. Like I said, he’s a lovable man. It was Love that insisted we spend so much time together, connect with each other as much as possible and learn as much as we could about one another. Logic was into it too in the beginning. He noticed those little things here and there... but wasn’t about to burst Love’s bubble. It was nice to see her so happy for once!
Then, Steven did a few things that Logic found unacceptable. Love stepped in and pleaded with him... asked him to just give it some time and explained that they were still learning about each other. Logic agreed but stayed very aware of the situation. He couldn’t relax. Now, he was seeing all kinds of things that he didn’t like. But damn that Love and her puppy dog eyes... he gave it some more time.
And then, one night, Love slipped. She said to Logic, “There’s something that doesn’t feel quite right...” and that was it. Logic jumped on it like a bunch of dogs on a raw t-bone. Before she even knew what was happening, Logic had taken Love and put her behind him, protecting her from getting any more attached and ended the relationship.
Love was devastated. She tried to take back her concerns and asked Logic to reconsider. But he explained to her that they had agreed on some non-negotiables when determining the kind of relationship they wanted. If they went back on them now, all of their efforts over the years would have been wasted. If they budge, then they have to ask themselves why they didn’t just stay with Ryan, my high school sweetheart, or Eric... or even Marc, Mr. “I Am Dead Inside, Will You Still Love Me,” for that matter... whew... THAT would’ve been a disaster...
Just for the record, they are still discussing this matter... but like usual, Logic is winning.
I’m not so naive to think at thirty years old, if I haven’t found someone now, I never will. Of course not. I just wonder at thirty years old, after fifteen years of breakups and heartache, will things swing in the other direction any time soon? Will Love and Logic ever be able to agree completely?
Like always, only time will tell.
In the meantime, I’ve quickly settled back into what I know best... taking care of me. I am working again as a server and bartender, I’ve just completed an indoor cycling certification course so I can teach spin classes at local gyms, I’m down three pounds and my home projects are actually getting done. I’m grateful for Bailey, my cat, who while remarkably annoying as she jumps on everything in the house, wants to talk all the time and falls asleep quite comfortably while laying on my face... completely loves me and keeps my apartment from feeling so cold and empty.
As far as Love and Logic, don’t worry about them. They may be fighting now but they are in it for the long haul and will keep working things out until everything is fine.
Or until the next time they disagree I suppose.
Posted by Tina V at 3:20 PM