Monday, May 23, 2011
If At First You Don't Succeed... Or Second... Or Third... Or...
His name isn’t Brandon. His name is Tim.
Like so many of my past relationships, he just sort of showed up in my life one day. It could have simply been one more conversation over drinks at some bar I was at, chasing that pesky karaoke bug.
It could easily have been one more friend request on Facebook. After all, I have 200+ friends on there now... and I haven’t dated ALL of them...
It definitely could have been just one more silly night on Fremont. And with the way that night ended, it most certainly could have been one more failed first date.
It might be just be another changed relationship status, filled with the same hope and promise that all the other status changes came with. My friends might be rolling their eyes or shaking their heads as they give me the obligatory “Like” on being “in a relationship” versus “single” on my profile page. Can you blame them? They’ve watched me do this for years.
It might be just another I Love You... words I’ve said so many times in my life that people question whether or not I really know what love is.
My brother shakes his hand, my dad is polite and my mom is friendly. After all, they’ve been through all this before. No sense in getting too excited yet, right? They didn’t really have a chance to get to know the last one before the new one showed up anyway.
It could be just one more bout of uncontrollable laughter and connection over food and drinks. The list of commonalities is long and the spark is bright... the smiles are big and genuine and the body language is unmistakable. I see the potential for sure... because I’ve seen it before.
It may just be one more passionate night in bed. Everything feels right... and comfortable... and dare I say... perfect. Remember feeling this way before?
It’s just another gift. Heartfelt and thoughtful... exactly what I wanted without even knowing I wanted it.
It’s one more photo... taken from an outstretched hand and added to all the other photos in my collection. It’s that comment from a friend “Wow, you guys look so cute together!” that reminds me of identical remarks from the past.
It’s another group of butterflies, partying away in my belly as I get that first text in the morning or that mid-afternoon email. It’s the grin on my face as he calls me while I’m on my way to work. It’s racing out to my car at the end of a shift so that I can get as much time in with him as possible before sleep takes the conversation away for a few hours. These feelings are not foreign to me.
So... how do I know this one is going to be any different? How do I know that I won’t find something I can’t live with? How can I be sure that I want to wake up next to this one for the rest of my life? How am I even thinking about this after a few weeks?
Shouldn’t I be an expert on all of this by now?
Is it really as simple as just going with the flow and letting things unfold naturally? That sounds like the right thing to do... but because every relationship I am in is better than the one before, every breakup hurts a little more each time.
I know myself, though... the hopeless romantic (Love) who lives inside the body of an analyzer (Logic) won’t let me run away from something that might just be “it”. She knows the risks, she’s been down the road many times and somehow, she always convinces Logic that even though it may not work out, imagine if it did. Because one day, it will. Something about that statement always has enough gravity to quiet all the questions and concerns that Logic comes up with.
So yes, I’m fully aware that all of these amazing things that Tim brings to my life might just be another trip down the road of “what could be”, with less than favorable results. I have to think this way because of past experience... but what I don’t have to do is assume that this relationship will turn out like all the others.
The older I get, the harder time I have arguing with the Universe. It has been proven time and time again why certain people and situations were put in front of me. Learning to surrender to what the Universe gives me based on what I ask for is a practice I’m getting fairly good at.
So, this might be just another happy couple, getting ready for Date Night... or... it might be something I’ve been seeking for a very long time.
Why would I risk losing that based on my own history? That would be way too logical.
In this race, Love has pulled ahead... and she is way overdue for a win.
Posted by Tina V at 4:00 PM