Tuesday, June 7, 2011

They Should Probably Rename it Fat "Spare" Tire

Time to look at life a little differently today... after all, life has suddenly become... different. 

When I posted this as my status update on Facebook this morning, I had a very specific purpose for it and it didn’t entirely relate to me. I had written it for someone else in my life, hoping that maybe my words would be able to help them through a hardship they were dealing with. 

Of course, I realized quickly that it is also extremely appropriate for some things I am going through in my life as well. Funny how it always just works that way... 

I think about how quickly my life changes and it sort of blows my mind at times. Right when it seems like I have found my footing on a new path, I’m faced with another change in terrain. I think about my life just a few months ago, my friends, my activities, the things that I was “into” and compare it to what I’m up to now and I can’t help but wonder if anything will ever smooth out. Will my life always be this full of change and different circumstances and scenarios? Do I thrive off of this constant diversity? Will I ever really be content with what is? 

It’s hard to say... I know that part of me will always want to be trying something new. I always want to have a new place to visit, new friends to meet and new experiences to remember. I’ve never much been a fan of the “rut” and lately, I felt like I was caught up in a bit of exactly that. 

I’m overweight again. Dammit... It’s so frustrating to always worry about working out, eating right and drinking lots of water. Why can’t I just eat whatever I want, drink all the beer there is and work out only on occasion to have the body of my dreams? Better yet, why can’t I be comfortable with myself regardless of my jean size? It’s such an overwhelming battle... for the last two days, every thought in my head is clouded by how uncomfortably tight my clothes are and what the scale read last time I stepped on it. The thought of losing enough weight to be happy with myself in San Francisco is annoying when I think of the effort involved in making this happen in such a short period of time. 

My body wants to be a fat girl. Why don’t I just give in already? 

Because I know that I will never be happy if I don’t stand up for myself, my health and my mental well being by ensuring that I am doing everything I can to be the best version of me. 

It’s this same reason that I have decided to let a few of my friends drift away into the vastness that is my past. If a relationship that used to be good has suddenly become toxic, tragic and one-sided and I allow it to continually frustrate and hurt me, the fat girl wins. I don’t know why I allowed myself to stay so long in a situation that wasn’t healthy for me. That’s not the kind of person I am. In fact, I frequently advise others to remove themselves from those kind of relationships. Effort has to be given on both sides and when it isn’t, what’s the point of hanging on, really? 

I’ve been told at times that when I get mad about something someone might say to me, my wall flies up. There is most definitely some truth to this... however, if I feel like I’m being attacked, why would I just stand there and take it? 

I’ve been told that I am too sensitive and that it would behoove me to get a tougher skin. But, if allowing others to make jokes at my expense is what that statement actually means, I am perfectly fine being a crybaby. I really like me. I like who I am and I like what I’ve done to get here. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow people to disrespect me because they aren’t in tune with the same humanistic beliefs that I am. 

People aren’t defined by their image to me. They are defined by what they do and who they are to those in their life. 

So, when I look in the mirror and see the fat girl smiling her cocky ass grin and waving in her condescending kind of way, why do I let it burn me so bad? Why do I let my image define who I am? 

Time to look at life a little differently today... after all, life has suddenly become... different. 

Ah yes... I did write this for me. 

So maybe it’s not about having to be the skinniest girl in the room. And perhaps it’s not about having to fit amazingly into a size 2. This is not about looking perfect... 

It’s about following through on my commitments to myself and what I believe to be the most important aspect of all human relationships, including the one we have with ourselves: respect. 

If I don’t have respect for myself, it is unrealistic to expect others to have respect for me. This would definitely explain why I’ve had a few too many disrespectful interactions the last few weeks with people I used to consider my friends. By not embracing and respecting my own health and emotional well being, I’ve allowed others to attack parts of me that are vulnerable. 

So yes, it may simply look like hitting the gym, preparing a few more salads and throwing in a light beer here and there... but it does mean something deeper to me. I have to treat my body the way I would like people to treat me. A consistent message to the Universe gets a much quicker response. 

Don’t get me wrong, everything happens for a reason and I am happy to be rid of negative asshole bullshit. But the bigger meaning behind everything is always what I’m more interested in. No victims here. 

It’s never too late to look at things differently, to make a change and try something new. I definitely know that I deserve to feel beautiful, both inside and out. I’ll do my part, you do yours. 

Otherwise, you can kick rocks. 

4 comments:

  1. God you have no idea how this relates to me... I know I just had a baby but I was always a size 2 so to see me know I am so uncomfortable... The doc tells me after a c section it's going to be hard to lose it but I am trying.... So if u need a work out partner or anything I have a gym at my apt that we could go to:)) Nicole

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sounds like some things have built up for a while. Good job!

    ReplyDelete
  3. With the ever changing terrain its a wonder I havent snapped an ankle and had to saw it off with a pen knife a la Aron Ralston. I feel ya there.
    But light beer? Tina, I am disappoint. Thats ok though. You'll always be a Newcastle to me =)

    ReplyDelete
  4. When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. Accept people for who they are and not who you think they should be. Once you accept yourself for who you are, things will change.

    ReplyDelete