Saturday, July 9, 2011

"Hmm.. I'll Pass On The Crow, But I Will Take A Side Order Of Accountability, Thanks"

“Tim and I worked a lot on conflict resolution and I am hoping that Jim and Monte did the same. Along with family comes conflict - I know this more than anyone. But it is truly how you handle it that sets the stage for how intimate our relationships with one another can be. 

It’s easy to walk away. It’s harder to step into the fire and say “I will not stand for this because I love you too much.” I cannot force either of them to take this stand for one another. I can only hope that, one day, they are willing to. Life is short... and is over before we know it. How long will it take before being human becomes more important than being right?” 

As I recalled the events in San Francisco and what transpired between Monte, Tim and I, the point above is what I finished with. I wanted to make sure that, as always, the stand I take is one of responsibility and action - of looking at the bigger picture and making our decisions based on that. My point of view is one of looking forward at the next step, not dwelling in the “what happened” part of the story. 

I know this about myself. I also know that I am a really good person. I am more compassionate than most of the people I interact with. I care deeply about human interaction and the strides we can make as a society if we are only more honest with ourselves and those around us. 

I take responsibility for those things in my life that are less than desirable. I also take responsibility for those things in my life that are amazing as I know I created those as well. I acknowledge my imperfections, my mistakes, my shortcomings and the things that I do to create chaos in my life. 

Unfortunately, as far as my readers go - everyone is going to read and interpret things exactly as they want to. I might as well be a contributing writer to the Bible. 

Therefore, it was pretty hard to read the comments on my last blog. 

I left the Karate Karaoke scene because I want something bigger out of life. I was getting wrapped up in the “drama of the dojo” and it seemed so insignificant compared to the things that I want to accomplish. I mean, really... as a source of release, I like to get drunk, sing songs, and pretend I’m a rockstar. I had no idea that by getting involved with this particular social circle, I would be signing up for a high school musical. 

The difficult part is that I met some really cool people in the process. I have so many friends on Facebook and people who read my blog that might not have had I not become part of this particular karaoke scene. For that, I’m not sorry. I am, sorry, however, that I let that part of my life become more serious than the things that really mean something to me. 

I thought Steven was the one for me. I was devastated when I discovered that he wasn’t. I have spent many blogs writing about past relationships, what worked and what didn’t. I have written about Eric, Cory, Justin, Jeremy and Steven fairly extensively as these are the most recent and/or most meaningful relationships in my life. I write about Tim now for the same reason. 

I enjoyed blogging yesterday. I liked the idea of making comparisons about my last two vacations and analyzing their parallels. I liked remembering the important aspects of both and re-living each one, even when they turned negative (hence the title of the last blog). 

I found it important to write about Monte because it is that incident that made me love and respect Tim for the kind of man he has chosen to be. It is because he chooses a path of responsibility and accountability in a world where he was taught that being a victim can have bigger rewards that makes me look at him in a different light than before. 

I write to explain my experiences of the situations that happen in my space. That has never changed. 

However, based on the feedback I received from both those in my life who don’t think very highly of me as well as some very important feedback on those who do, I realize that I may have gotten a bit off track in my last few pieces of writing. I have to agree that I have chosen to focus on others more than myself. I did this in the beginning when writing about my family and that came with challenges as well. 

I didn’t realize that I was focusing so strongly on recent events and giving them so much life. I have been doing too much looking back and not enough looking forward. I probably should give Steven a break. After all, we have both already paid for the mistakes we made in our relationship. I honestly didn’t see what I was doing as a constant attack. It just seems natural to make comparisons between my current relationship and my most recent. 

Something very important has come up for me in all of this that I feel compelled to share. 

“I think you've limited yourself with this blog. Vacations are a milestone for all relationships and you chose to only examine your latest, most-inflated relationship to expound upon and draw your comparisons. It's incredibly dependent on the other blogs you've written and (save for the story about the evening with Monte) can't stand alone as a result. What I mean by this is that it's lost some of the universal significance you've maintained in other blogs. This doesn't mean it's a throw-away or bad writing, because there's a lot to work with. As it is, unfortunately, it sounds almost myopic when set against your other writing.” 

I read and reread this feedback from Whitney as well as the rest of her message to me which was absolutely integral in keeping me from curling up in the corner and crying for two days after reading the other feedback that came my way. 

Truth is, I am insecure. I am so excited about my new relationship with Tim but so nervous about how my excitement looks to other parties that are involved with my blog. I think I accurately outlined my concerns in one of my earlier posts about Tim but don’t think I had really addressed these with myself. 

When I made the commitment to myself to start this blog and write from a place of honesty and transparency, I agreed to climb up on stage and get naked. My past few posts, as they have related to my relationship, have either been too cautious with how thrilled I am, or too happy to the point of appearing inauthentic and abusive to my ex and our mutual group of friends. 

For fifteen years, I have dated who I wanted, when I wanted, without any kind of concern about what others might think. But not because I was so confident... because I would hop circles of friends. I would move from one relationship and the friendships associated with that to the next one. That way, no one would know how shallow or high maintenance I might have appeared. No one would know about my big expectations or how many relationships I had already been though looking for “The One.” I was safe. 

Now, I have people to answer to. I have readers to answer to. Most importantly, this blog is my mirror... and I have myself to answer to. 

So, here I am, standing before you on stage. Naked. Insecure. Vulnerable. Hurt. Proud. Anxious. Analytical. Concerned. Thoughtful. Compassionate. Cruel. Righteous. Determined. Sensitive. Compelled. Soft. Stoic. And, at times... myopic. 

But most importantly, I stand before you... as human. 

Thank you to those who love me, and those who don’t... to help guide me on my path of self-realization. I do find that, at times, it can be a lonely road... but then again, only if I choose for it to be so. 

I finish humbly... with a toast to myself: 

Tina... you just gotta keep on... keeping on. You will find your way. 

Clink.

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