Sunday, July 24, 2011

So THAT'S Why There's No "I" In Teamwork...

“I really don't mean for this to sound so... dick.. but I'm not sure that's possible - for those of you who are part of the Dojo and also my Facebook friends, would you please do me a favor? If you don't actually consider yourself to be a friend of mine and/or participate in any shit-talking, have some balls and delete me from your friend list. The negative energy isn't good for either of us. Thank you!!” 

This was my status update this evening on Facebook. Tim told me that it was dramatic. I guess he’s right... I honestly wasn’t meaning for it to sound so dramatic. Like so many times, I over-think how I want to handle something and just when I convince myself that I am saying something exactly right, it turns out that it sounds just like I didn’t want it to from the very beginning. Sometimes, analyzing is just pointless. 

Truth is, I’ve been struggling quite a bit this week. I have tried very hard to let go of the negative feedback I received on my recent vacation blog but clearly it was A) someone that I used to hang out with at karaoke and B) someone that reads my blog which indicates that they are most likely a Facebook friend. While I am always happy to have readers, I am not okay with people pretending like they support me when they actually think I’m a piece of shit. 

I’m okay with criticism. I’m not okay with inauthenticity. The irony of this situation is the person/people who dislike the person I am, liked it originally. They liked that I said what was in my head. They liked that I was blunt and not afraid to speak my mind. But yeah.. I admit.. it sucks when it gets personal. I agree with that. But just because my focus changes, doesn’t mean that I am any different than I was when that person first met me. 

Does this mean that if I meet someone I like, I need to make sure I never say anything that might hit a little close to home? Then who’s being inauthentic? Ugh... 

I used to dog-sit for my friend, Matt. Shortly after he got his dog, he began dating a girl who lived on the east coast and, therefore, started traveling at least once a month to visit her. During these times, he would ask me to dog and house-sit. Like a good dog owner, he took his Shepard, Maggie, to the dog park at least once a day. He asked that I do the same. I went with him the first time and he introduced me to a few of the other dog owners that took their dogs to the park around the same time that he took Maggie. It was nice to meet these friendly owners and their respective pets. A cute family, that’s what I thought. 

So I began taking Maggie to the park at least once a month, three or four days in a row. I became really friendly with one or two people at the park. We used to chat for about 45 minutes to an hour while our dogs ran around and played together. I looked forward to these trips. In fact, sometimes, I went to the park twice in one day just to get more of these interactions. 

After a few months of this, I started to notice something that bothered me. The one person I liked chatting with the most (and who had the most amazing tiger-colored Ridgeback dog) began talking garbage on some of the other people who brought their dogs to the park. It was like he was... instigating drama among those of us who got along. I became really uneasy. I started being very conscious of the things I told him. I wanted to make sure he wasn’t using me as content for his “dog park soap opera” screenplay. 

I started to go an hour before or after when I used to. I was avoiding him... I thought it was so silly that even at the dog park, a group of people can find a way to create drama. 

A few months later, I ran into him at the dog park again. His beautiful Ridgeback had gotten so big and aggressive that I was no longer comfortable bringing Maggie around him. 

I don’t believe in coincidences. 

I was so excited to be a part of the Dojo. I have always loved karaoke and here I found a group of people that not only loved singing like I did, they were fun and cool and made me feel like I belonged  there. I’m a sucker for feeling like I belong in ANY place. I so rarely feel this way that when I do, I definitely cherish it. 

Tonight was a black belt ceremony (see resolution #8 on this blog) for my friend, Aaron. It was a beach theme. I really wanted to go. Aaron, while he can be a little abrasive and offensive, is also very considerate and complimentary when he wants to be. I appreciate both his honesty and sense of humor. Friends? I don’t know.. it’s hard to gauge these days... but certainly someone that I enjoy being around. I thought he might appreciate it if I showed up. 

I had a feeling I might get out early from work tonight. Sometimes I am there until one or two in the morning on Saturdays. However, it’s been pretty warm and not everyone wants to hang out on the patio all night. I was going to pack up a “beachy” outfit and stop by for a drink after work. I planned on this all day. I started getting ready for work and when I was all set to leave, I looked at the bag where I usually pack a change of clothes and thought to myself “no one wants me to be there anyway, why the hell would I show up?” 

Dramatic? Yes... probably why I posted what I did on Facebook. 

I have always been a bit amazed by the relationship that my parents have. After almost 34 years of marriage, my dad still can’t go an entire day without calling my mom at least five times. I honestly never understood how two people can be so connected that they have to speak on a bi-hourly basis. I’m sure I’m exaggerating.. but not by much. I’m not trying to say that my parents have had the most perfect relationship over the years. They’ve certainly had their challenges. But I think that they have embraced the concept of “we” more than I ever have. 

If you’ve read my very early blog about sex, you’ll know that I have been in a lot of relationships in my life. However, at 31 years old, I’m starting to think that I’ve never really embraced the same concept as my parents. As much as I’ve tried to give it my all in every relationship I’ve been in, I’m beginning to realize that I’ve never really known what it’s like to be “all in” with someone. Like many women I know, I’ve always expected Mr. Perfect to walk in and sweep me off my feet, be immaculate in every way and we ride off together on horseback in the sunset. 

Yeah, right. It may only be a two year degree, but I’m certainly no idiot. 

I was talking with my mom the other day... Tim has had some trouble at work with a friend he’s known since high school who decided she wants to hate him all of a sudden and I had a really good friend watch a Facebook post trash-session about me and Tim without feeling the need to step in and defend us. Needless to say, I have been feeling like we are both sort of... on our own. My mom told me that this is what “we” is all about. It’s about being in it together. It’s about realizing friendship can sometimes be surface and material... while love and commitment is something between two people that everyone on the outside, even in their own relationships, can’t really be a part of. 

I really wanted to think that when I became part of the Karate Karaoke Dojo, that I had made friends with a group of people that would appreciate the kind of person that I was. I know that I’m not perfect, I know I am dramatic and I know that I don’t always say things that people want to hear. I never claim to be right... I only claim to speak my own truth. Once again, an attribute that seems to be appreciated at first... only to be rejected later. 

I’ve put on weight. I’m sleeping in every day. I’ve stopped meditating. I’ve accepted complacency. I’ve allowed other people’s negativity to convince me I’m not good enough. 

I’m done with that. 

Tomorrow morning (in four hours in fact), I’m having breakfast with the best family I know (mine). At the moment, the most amazing man I’ve been with is sitting next to me, exhausted from a week of his own bullshit, but willing to stay up as long as it takes for me to get out my thoughts. I have enough reminders to convince me that it’s time to let go of all the negative feelings I’ve been having and make something positive happen. 

I have a workout schedule set up. My alarms are set. My meditation music is in place. Complacency is for the birds. I am good enough... I am smart enough... and dammit.. if people don’t like me, they can un-friend me. 

I have been confused in speaking with Tim about his past relationship of three and a half years. I am surprised that he would stay with someone for so long when it seems to be that neither one of them really understood the other. But, when I ask him why he stuck around, he simply told me “I was in it. I don’t give up.” 

The power of “we”. God, do I want that. 

Okay, so maybe I’m dramatic. Maybe I expect more out of people and maybe I don’t realize when I’m being a dick. But, as I’ve said before... my intentions are pure, my desires are clear and my journey, while lonely at times, has a destination. 

Is “we” this destination? Wow, that would be cool. That would mean... I may already be there. 

Neat.

1 comment:

  1. Really interesting material! This definitely feels like an extrememly positive entry. I love that. =)

    "We" is a very powerful concept that I know we will have much more time to explore and learn about together.

    THANKS for having the courage that you do.

    <3 Tim

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