Monday, August 8, 2011

Sorry I Keep Asking... But Where Do I Start Again?

Me: I really want Tim to move in with me. How bad of an idea is that?


Becca: I don’t think it’s a bad idea. You guys obviously get along well. 

Me: Yeah, that’s true. But three months? Seems silly to be thinking about it already. 

Becca: Have you two talked about it? 

Me: Yes, we have. I think we both see it as the next step. 

Becca: Well, do the two of you ever fight? 

Pause. 

Me: Yeah... yeah, we do. 

In discussing my last post, Whitney asked me to elaborate further on what I meant when talking about this “we” that I kept mentioning. At first, I thought she wanted me to give her my idea of what it looked like as it related to my life. However, as we talked about it, I could see something in her face that was all too familiar to me. It was almost as if she didn’t really understand the concept of what “we” was, generally speaking. I mean... sure, it’s nice to have someone to be with, but ultimately, each of us is still on our own to figure all of this out, right? 

For someone who has always asked for a partner, I don’t seem to do a very good job of holding on to one once I have it. It’s almost as if I want someone around to engage with, be socially active with, sleep with, laugh with and sit comfortably in silence with while we simply enjoy the other’s company. But when it comes to sharing my stress, analyzing my insecurities, expressing my doubts or frustrations or simply being sad... these are things I choose to do on my own. After all, I don’t want to bring the other person down or, God forbid, show them my imperfections. That would be tragic. 

Tim and I both have very strong personalities. Our ability to communicate our thoughts and opinions in deliberate and passionate ways are what many people like about us. However, this combined energy and unwillingness to back down from our beliefs in the heat of the moment causes some friction that I haven’t quite figured out how to handle. 

It seems like many couples have an obvious dominant and submissive aspect to their relationship. However, having a dominant personality as a female, I often find myself in relationships with other dominants. I have also been in relationships with submissives and while that balance might make for smoother sailing overall, quite honestly, it bores the hell out of me. I don’t mind the challenge of dating other strong personalities, but when push comes to shove and the verbal punches start getting thrown, I am the first to quickly throw in the towel in pursuit of something less hostile. 

Wanting it all is a concept that will probably drive me mad if I don’t sort out who I need to be to truly have... all of it. 

I pick fights a lot. Not just with Tim... but with many people in my life. Not in the way a bully would (well, sometimes), but more as a challenge to see if they can stand up to me and be the biggest version of themselves. I’m certainly not condoning this kind of behavior... in fact, if I want to truly find happiness with “we” and with myself in general, it would probably be in my best interest to knock that shit off. 

I have this annoying desire to always want to know the “what’s next” in life. And whether or not you are up for it. Unfortunately, I spend so much time testing others for long term wear and tear that I fail to see that they have already chosen me - even with my imperfections (dammit... I knew I couldn’t hide them forever). So many times, I decide that they probably won’t like the person that I can be and I take off, glancing only briefly in the rear view as they stare helplessly at me with a “what the fuck was that” kind of expression on their face. 

And then I beg to the Universe to bring me another prospect... without first looking at what (or who, rather) the common denominator is in this vicious cycle. 

Tim and I go out, we have some drinks, some fun and then something happens that lights my fire and we start to argue. Sometimes it’s simply a miscommunication that gets blown out of proportion and other times, it’s a full on session of chest pounding and “I’m right”s with no end in sight. And then we sleep. And the next morning, we wake up and he looks at me, smiles and kisses me as if nothing happened and reminds me that he’s in this and there will be no getting rid of him. 

So why do I keep trying to do exactly that? Why am I so afraid to just close my eyes and jump into “we”. What is it about that abyss that is so inviting and so frightening all at the same time? 

What is it that paralyzes me so much? Didn’t I use to have balls? Like, big ones that took me from Buckley, Washington to Los Angeles at 18 years old? The ones that took me from a receptionist to a major market Sales Manager in under three years? The ones that had me chasing down dreams long before I convinced myself that they were unrealistic? 

Why am I a server in an unsuccessful restaurant making less than half of what I need on a weekly basis to simply maintain my lifestyle? Why am I sitting here in bed on a Monday morning, eating cake, reading Sports Illustrated and Twitter instead of writing my book, launching my next blog or, at the very least, out trying to get a job that would ensure I don’t have to move in with roommates and start taking the bus everywhere. 

When did I become an unmotivated underachiever? Maybe Anonymous was right, maybe I do need to grow a backbone. 

Everyone is having babies. It’s weird... I feel like the only person not invited to a huge party that I didn’t want to go to in the first place - but not being there makes me feel inadequate. I’m a little jealous that they will all feel a bigger purpose now that they have someone to take care of. If only I wanted children, then I could finally feel purposeful as well. Instead, the only things that excite me these days are getting a 500 series in bowling and anticipating NFL pre-season. Oh, and keeping my fingers crossed that I get an early pick in my Fantasy Draft. 

Shouldn’t I be updating my resume or something? Trying to figure out how to make enough money? Or... a lot of money? 

Should I stay in Vegas? Should I try out a new place? Should I just take off and not tell anyone where I’m going? See if I can find wherever it is I seemed to have lost my motivation for life? 

Shouldn’t I just tell Tim how much I love him, accept him for all that he is like he does for me and embrace this relationship in all it’s loveliness? Isn’t that at least a step in the right direction? 

Should’t I just get out of bed already? 

I know things will be alright. I know this because they always have been. I just wish my actions were as passionate as my thoughts, desires and dreams. I wish I wanted to be better. Instead, I just want to be. 

Perhaps I’ll start with “we”. Maybe if I put forth the energy and the effort to make this relationship all that I know it can be... maybe if I quit trying to prove that I’m right and just prove that I’m present... maybe then, everything else in my life will start falling into place. 

Worst case scenario, at least I’ll always have someone to ride the bus with.

4 comments:

  1. I will ride the bus into the sunset with you. The golden rays of dusk will bathe us in their tired light. We can embrace each other closely after a long sweaty day at work, and watch for our stop. Where you go, I will follow. =)

    I love you.

    Tim

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  2. I think you are loucky to have Tim. Really lucky. I can relate to so much of what you wrote here, and I wish I could offer advice, or say the magic word, or flash a smile and make it all better. Life just does not work that way. Speaking as someone who had that "what the fuck was that all about" look on his face, I can tell you this: We are lucky to have the lives that we do, and we have to accept total responsibility for who and what we are. Some poeple say it is a journey, or an adventure, or some other hippie crap. The truth is, Life is hard, all of the time. It is constantly filled with those "what if" questions and concerns. People like you who are naturally analytical often struggle with this until you can find a way to quiet the mind with acceptance. I know this because I (as you know) have a similar mind trap in my head, and the switch can never be turned off.

    The struggles we go through in life, both real and imagined are difficult. They can lead to moments of pure happiness, but more often that not, they only open doors to more stuggle. But those moments of joy and happiness are totally worth it when they are real, and experienced with someone who is willing, and wanting, to be there not to share the joy and happiness, but to help us survive the harder times, coming out the other end hand in hand. That is a totally worthwhile person, and Tim sounds like that to me.

    Life is really hard, and totally worth it. The amount of work you have to put in takes a lifetime, yours.

    Meyer

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  3. Hi Tina! I can relate so much to this blog, especially where you talk about what happened to that girl with balls to move to the big city part.

    And I know it sounds cliche but everything happens for a reason. I'm still figuring out what my reason is, and trust me when I say I just wanna figure this shit out already.

    You're a strong woman and you have the support of good man. And yes, being vulnerable works wonders.

    See ya soon!

    - Liza

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  4. From my friend Julia who was having problems leaving a comment on here... thanks for the feedback!!

    "When you said 'I feel like I wasn't invited to a huge party that I didn't want to go to anyway'. OMG. That is how I have felt my whole entire life. All through high school, all through college, with certain groups of friends ------- and I have never been able to articulate it. THANK YOU! Now I know I'm not alone!!!! I always felt that way about having babies, but then I feel left out, and the moms make you feel like the biggest douchebag who ever lived. Or is that me making myself feel like that? wow..."

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