Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Expectations On Reflections.. or.. Reflecting On Expectations.. Wait, What?

Whitney and I had lunch yesterday and the issue of expectations came up. We were specifically discussing those expectations that may be “too high” and “unrealistic”. Or really, just how sometimes when we think something should look a certain way, and it doesn’t, how it can cause ripples in our psyche. 

At least that’s what I took from it. And I am definitely no stranger to thinking things should look different. 

As we are coming up on the end of the year, I can’t help but reflect on the New Year’s resolutions I made last year. I had put quite a bit on my plate, like I do every New Year, and it is always in the reflection that I can identify exactly where my head and heart were at that time. How quickly things change in this life. 

I learned a few things over the last few ten months and nothing rubs my nose in it more than seeing my own words and declarations from almost a year ago. 

* * *  

Book it baby!
I talked about writing a book. I started an outline. It felt forced. I grew bored. I went back to blogging. 

I’m not saying that I won’t write a book one day, but I truly think that the book was a product of my relationship with Jeremy and the fact that he really wanted me to write one. I liked the idea of writing a book about The Rules but since that became yet another “unfinished project”, all I had was a year’s worth of ramblings that I was trying to make into something it wasn’t. As Whitney said, I may find a topic one day that needs more than the space of a blog to expound upon. Until then, I want to enjoy it when I sit down to write. It shouldn’t feel like work, right? 

Give them something else to read about 
This was about starting a second blog about being a local in Las Vegas and have more of a relaxed, “travel blog” feel to it. I have started this blog and it has morphed into something a little more fun and not exclusive to a Las Vegas theme. 

While I’m still a few months away from a full on launch of this blog (it still needs some visual work and at least five or six more blogs to bring it up to date), feel free to take a look and let me know what you think. www.theadventuresofmoe.com. I have had a lot of fun putting this together and it gives the creative side of my brain a workout. 

You spin me right round baby right round 
I actually did become certified as a spin instructor this year. I built a library of music on my itunes where my music is categorized into sections such as “hills”, “speed”, “intervals” and “endurance”, to name a few. And then I didn’t do anything else about it. I had a little drama with LVAC and their customer service department and now I work out in the fitness center my apartment complex offers. Since they don't offer spin classes there, I've sort of fallen out of the routine. 

I like to think I’ll get passionate about teaching spin classes again. In the meantime, however, I can’t find the same excitement I once had. 

Please don’t stop the music 
I successfully imported all of my CDs into my music collection. I bought a new ipod and have really enjoyed having all of my favorite songs readily accessible. I still need to import some of the newer songs that I dig, but I’m very happy with having met this goal. Of course, a friend of mine gave me at hundreds of her old CDs that she no longer listens to so... let the importing continue... 

Hold your horses 
When I first found a stable to volunteer at, I wrote all about it and was really excited about the opportunity to be around horses again. However, after about a month of getting up early three days a week, getting dirty and getting thrown off a few horses, I realized that my love of horseback riding had faded away after all these years. I’m very happy that I did it because now I don’t have to think about whether or not I made the right decision moving on to a different lifestyle. 

I will forever and ever be that girl that loves horses and her boyfriend too (thanks, Tom Petty), but I think I’ll stick to drawing them, not riding them. (Horses, that is... ahem.. )

"Your multiplicity of talents continues to amaze me" 
I never did build an ebay store with my Picasso’s Pets product. I’m not sure if that’s the direction I want to go in. 

This past weekend, I tagged along with my parents as an exhibitor at a local Bird show (my dad builds amazing custom cages). At the last minute, I was thinking it would be nice to have something that I could actually sell at the show, instead of just taking orders for commissioned artwork. So, I spent a few days putting together some prints of pictures I had already done. 

To my surprise, not only did I sell a few, I got a lot of interest from people who were looking for specific types of birds. I started thinking that if I could prepare better for bird shows, dog shows, cat shows, etc. and have a handful of prints that would appeal to the masses, I wouldn’t need to rely solely on custom orders. Obviously, that would still be the goal, but walking out of that show with $100 bucks in my pocket was pretty cool. So, I think for next year, I’ll look into how I can make this work even better for me. 

Bowling Jesus died for your pins 
My friend Tom is an amazing bowler. He offered to do some coaching sessions with me earlier this year and I took advantage of it. 

He helped me with a new approach, I bought a new ball and had it drilled differently to accommodate my new throw and we worked together every week for a couple of months. 

I do like my new style, however I haven’t seen a huge difference in my ability to throw multiple strikes in a row. Then again, I got lazy with the bowling again. While I still try to practice outside of my league once a week, my average has not changed drastically. As always, this is a work in progress for me. 

One thing should not be overlooked, however - my bowling team, “The X-Factor”, took first place in our summer league this year. What a great accomplishment! 

Prepare for the kamikaze! And no, not the girly shot 
Maybe it’s because I dated someone that was part of the Karate Karaoke scene. Maybe it’s because there were a lot of people in that group where karaoke was our only shared interest. Maybe it’s because I thought the guy who ran Karate Karaoke was an asshole. Maybe I ran out of songs I wanted to sing. 

Either way, I stopped halfway through my purple belt. It was no longer fun for me. I like to sing karaoke, not get wrapped up in the drama and unfortunately, I did. 

I still like to sing and will continue to do karaoke. But whether it’s Karate Karaoke or some dingy bar by my house, it doesn’t matter. I crave both the social and silly aspect of singing karaoke and that takes precedence over sticking through unnecessary dramatics just to call myself a black belt. 

Besides, I REALLY hated doing all those kamikaze songs... 

I don’t need a Kindle, just some time and motivation 
I completely set myself up to fail on this one. I didn’t realize it at the time... I did read the first book on my list and still want to read the others. However, I did something that not only derailed this particular resolution, but full on blew it off the tracks. 

I got a Sports Illustrated subscription. 

My thought was that it would be nice to have something to keep me in the loop each week about the goings on of the sports world. What I didn’t realize would happen was how much I would actually enjoy the articles. With the exception of anything written about Nascar, I pretty much read each issue cover to cover. The interviews, the scorecard, the editorials and even the blog on the last page... I can’t get enough. And since it comes every single week, even if I make a huge effort to get through every piece of copy, I close it just in time for the next one to pop up in my mail box. 

I may not be as cultured as I wanted to be in the literary sense... but I can rap sports with the best of them. And THIS makes me happy. 

Mirror, mirror on the wall 
I actually feel pretty good about this one. I panicked earlier this year when I realized I had gained back a lot of the weight I took off the year prior. Those size 2 Lucky jeans are no longer hanging in my closet... however, I feel pretty good about myself. I don’t obsess over my workouts anymore and, instead, make an effort to get outside and enjoy myself with long walks, good hikes and peaceful meditation. 

I have decided to get braces. My new job offers great benefits and I have decided that I want to take this step to help me feel even better about myself. 

My boyfriend loves me and my body. He makes me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. He lavishes me with attention, devotion and flowers. Having each other to take care of has given us a fresh new confidence in ourselves that can’t be replaced with a treadmill. And he likes to work out with me, which is something I love. It’s just one more thing we can share together. 

* * *
As the next few months come and go and 2011 winds down, I can’t help but reflect on the expectations I had of myself last year and the new ones I have going into 2012. It’s hard to be disappointed about what I didn’t accomplish when I look at what I have now. 

Things look a little different today then I thought they would a year ago. But, I have learned not to argue with the Universe. Even if I don’t understand why things are happening the way they are, I have to trust in something bigger. 

Because, after the rollercoaster ride that was meeting Jeremy, getting the money, quitting my job, spending six months doing whatever I felt like and having these big ideas on what my life was going to look like with this new opportunity, here I am, a year later, living paycheck to paycheck again, working a job that is good enough and just.... blogging. 

Maybe Jeremy’s expectations of me were unrealistic as well. 

We all have our own paths to walk. While we may be influenced by others and become enamored by what they think our capabilities are, they aren’t on our path. It was silly of me to think that things would really change that much for me when I never really changed as a person. 

So that is something that is definitely going on my resolution for next year; trusting the person I am and the place I’m at. I’m right where I need to be for a reason. Instead of wishing it were something different, I get to learn gratitude for what I already have. 

It’s easy to be grateful for my relationship with Tim and how wonderful he makes me feel. It’s easy to love the stronger bond that has developed within my family. It’s easy to look around my apartment that is full of... things and stuff... and be happy that I have so much. It’s easy to like what I write and the portraits that I create and be thrilled to have that talents that I do. It’s easy to look down my "wall of friends" and be reminded of how many amazing people I have in my life. These things are easy. 

What’s hard is closing my laptop so I can go get ready for work. Being grateful for my job? Not as easy... then again, maybe tonight I’ll walk with more than 10% and will go the whole night without being treated like shit from an arrogant bartender or overworked manager. 

Are these unrealistic expectations? God, I hope not.

1 comment:

  1. I love this blog! Some things to consider...I believe many have a fantasized ideal that their means of employment should not feel like work in order for it to qualify as a "satisfying" experience, or a "true calling." However, that is not my experience, and so certainly I'm sure that others can relate. I love my career, but it comes with much work, much physical and mental labor, more than it's share of politics, but in the end, a pure satisfaction, nonetheless.

    I also love to read, and I lament not having more time for books, but I devour magazines as often as possible! If getting your daily requirement means resorting to reading cereal boxes because that is all you have time for at the moment, take comfort, because it is only just a season in your life. :)

    Regarding the horses...if you haven't seen it yet, watch the documentary on Buck Brannaman. He maintains that any issues you have with your relationship with horses tells a lot about you. I watched it on Netflix, and this man's wisdom is profound beyond measure, and his life exemplifies the ability to return to our true selves by releasing those difficult experiences by changing the way we act and react. PRICELESS!

    Never let your artistry go. It is unique and a true gift, even if you ACTUALLY have to work on it to develop it to your highest potential. ;)

    FINALLY, I get to see you with a guy who sounds like and looks like you ACTUALLY belong with him! Lots of love for the two of you to go the distance! Believe me, I am discovering THAT is a long, long, long way to travel...but the scenery is remarkable and life-altering! BTW, Beautiful, I love your pics, but you need to hold your head higher...your posture itself helps to raise the vibration level of psychic energy. Love you, T!