Monday, February 6, 2012

The Mayans Better Be Wrong... Sober For The Apocalypse?!?

Stepping on that scale every Saturday morning at my parent’s house has become a bit intimidating over the last month. However, for four consecutive weeks, each one of us has stepped back off of it with a sigh of relief after having seen a loss. Until this past Saturday. 

Just to make sure, I stepped on it for a second time. Unfortunately, the new scale my parents just purchased is not as inconsistent as the last one. The numbers “136” flashed at me three times, as if to say “yes, Tina, we were right the first time.” 

Half a pound? I’m up half a pound? I know it doesn’t sound like a lot... but it did cost me twenty bucks. With obvious frustration, I put the four five dollar bills in their respective owners' “piggy bank” and tried to hold back tears of anger. After all, even after successfully completing the exercise challenge of working out for at least six hours, I knew why I hadn’t lost any weight this week. 

I have adjusted my drinking quite a bit since the beginning of the year. I have always been a pretty healthy eater and exercise is something I enjoy quite a bit. What has always held me back from having the body I want is that I like to drink. All those empty calories take up space in my belly and that last 5 to 10 just don’t shed as quickly as the first. Since I only have about 18 to 20 pounds to lose in total (and have already lost 9) it is time to make certain adjustments in order to really start pounding my way to my goal weight. 

That’s when the spoiled rotten brat in my head comes forward and says “but you love to drink! You can’t give that up!” and I give in, reminding myself that I’ll just work out harder the next day or not eat so much food. As I learned, these tricks only take you so far. 

After the weigh-in, I came home and got ready for work. I had switched my dinner shift for a lunch shift and was looking forward to going out and having some fun with Tim that night. Usually, we have worked hard all week and since we have seven more days until we weigh in again, we tend to cut a little loose on Saturday night. 

When I got home, I was so anxious to have a beer and a shot that I didn’t bother eating anything and we just headed straight to the bar. Forget Michelob Ultra... I went straight to the 9% craft porter they were featuring and chased it with a couple of shots of my beloved Jagermeister. Now it’s time to have some fun, right? 

I don’t even remember what caused the ruckus... but the next morning, I woke up sixty dollars poorer from gambling and alone in my bed as Tim had slept on the couch. Apparently, we had another fight and he didn’t want to be near me. Neither one of us could even remember the next morning what we had argued about. All I remember was having dreams all night of the two of us breaking up. I can also recall thinking how I was going to handle him moving out and wondering how we could be so incompatible as a couple. 

And all I wanted to do was have a few drinks... 

It’s not like I haven’t had plenty of warning signs about my drinking. Having to spend $130.00 out of my savings account (which has been steadily dwindling over the last few months as it is) on a brand new keyboard for my MacBook because of a spilled Margarita didn’t help. 

I have a headful of excuses on why I want to drink. I don’t feel like I can have a good time if there isn’t some alcoholic enhancement to my evening. Then again, I used to think I couldn’t even interact with people unless I was high and I got over that... perhaps it’s time to take this new mountain a little more seriously. 

I worry about being boring in my relationship. Shit, Tim and I met over shots of Jagermeister at a bar. Without alcohol, will we even find each other interesting anymore? Or do you think we could go out, not drink and actually find ourselves happy with each other the following morning? Because this fighting over nonsense thing is getting pretty fucking old. 

I remember my first rule on alcohol... in fact, I went back and reread it. Even then, I wasn’t ready to fully commit. I always wanted to have an out so that if I truly felt like drinking, I could. And eventually, I just slipped right back into drinking whatever I wanted, any time I wanted. 

When I first decided to quite smoking weed, I had told myself that I was only going to do it for a year. After all, smoking had been a very big part of my life for the past ten years and I wasn’t ready to make the decision to stop forever. One year came and went and I realized that I was over it. I know in my heart that the joint I smoked on the night of my 30th birthday is the last joint I will ever have. 

I’m staring at the computer, not even wanting to type this next paragraph... which tells me that it’s definitely time to do so. 

It’s February 6th, 2012. I’m not happy with how alcohol has affected my life. I have no idea what will happen in the future, but I know that, once again, I am ready for something different. I’ve never understood my friends who are “dry” as having a drink every now and then isn’t that bad, right? Yes... until I realize that I drink to get drunk and it is that kind of behavior that doesn’t work for me. I have decided to quit drinking for one year and see the difference it makes in my life. 

I’ve done a lot of difficult things over the years and have come out stronger because of them. I don’t know how this will affect my relationship with Tim and he is finding this out just like the rest of you, by reading this blog... because even our communication is not what it used to be. But I’m sick of all of this. I want the decisions that I make to be ones made from a clear head. I know, deep down, that my relationship with alcohol has been keeping me from creating bigger things in my life. 

I’m scared and I’m nervous. But I’ll take either of those over the feeling of settling for things that are just good enough. That’s not going to cut it anymore. It’s time to take some real responsibility and set an example. This blog is great... but I think we can all agree that actions speak louder than words. 

Tebow would be proud. Now if only he could get me to start praying... 

Perhaps some other time.



11 comments:

  1. I have to admit that my over-analytical side kicked in a bit whilst reading this particular blog entry. (Me??? Overanalyze something??? Who woulda thunk it??? Lol.) Anyway, it was clear to me that you were extremely nervous while writing it, because the number of grammar and punctuation errors is much higher than normal for one of your blog entries. Nitpicky? Perhaps, but telling to me.

    Just for the record, I don't think that nervousness is a bad thing...

    You know quite a bit about my past. With that in mind, you know that I'm not a big believer in 12-step programs, or, more specifically, the concept that an addict must give up completely whatever vice brings him/her down in order to regain a productive place in society. You also know how I felt about the original rules... Just one man's opinion, of course.

    The above paragraph is in no way meant to imply that you are an alcoholic... I believe, however, that some of the same principles apply to this situation.

    You and Tim don't fight because you guys drink; you fight because you are two very, very different people trying to make a relationship work in a situation where there is a *TON* of baggage on both sides. Is your relationship worth fighting for? Absolutely. I absolutely adore Tim. He has been nothing but a 100% gentleman to me in a situation that a lot of men would find awkward at best. (The ex-boyfriend that's still close, for those readers who may not know.) I'm also a big fan of Tim's tenacity in overcoming a less-than-ideal upbringing and willing himself to the place mentally that he is in now. Tim, you da man!!! Powerful, powerful stuff.

    Tina, it's time for you to will yourself to that same place. You have the best possible support system around you, and the fact that you touch so many people so profoundly through this blog casts that net even wider. Instead of using alcohol intake as an excuse, work with Tim to get to the root cause of why the two of you fight. Otherwise, you will just find some other excuse to fight in the future...

    I want desparately for your relationship with Tim to work and I am here for both of you 24/7/365.

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    1. Obviously, I can see how this came off... as I indicated, however, alcohol is affecting my life in many ways, not just my relationship. After all I do to take responsibility for my actions, I find it offensive that you think I am using alcohol as an excuse of why Tim and I fight. All I said is how much worse it makes it.

      Dropping alcohol from the equation is a way for me to use a clear head to work through whatever issues Tim and I have as well as a way for me to move forward in life as I feel very stuck at the moment.

      Personally, I find my choice to be a strong one, not a cowardly one. Everyone chooses to handle things differently. Challenging myself is how I choose to handle my demons. You handle yours however you seem fit.

      As always, I welcome your feedback... even if it pisses me off.

      And I'll read it three times before I post in the future.. to prevent any embarrassing grammar errors or typos.

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    2. I don't think it's a cowardly decision at all... I see that's how it came across in my initial comment though and I regret not reading it through before I published it. My apologies. I clearly also wasn't taking into account the other benefits (the weight loss thing, etc.) when I was typing that comment. Pretty short-sighted on my part.

      In fact, I think it may turn into a situation similar to your experience with weed, where you simply never take it up again after the year has passed.

      I support your decision 100%.

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  2. I should clarify: I'm not saying don't stop drinking!!! Was just trying to make a larger point... That's all. :)

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  3. I'm impressed Tina. Keep fighting.

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    1. I should clarify, dont keep fighting with Tim. Lol keep fighting for enlightment. Im rooting for you!

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    2. Thanks, Maryann. Life seem to be a never ending search for change. I welcome it. :)

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  4. I know this story all too well. I lived it through it with 3 relationships. The two former relationships dissolved as a result of the drinking. I'm still in the current relationship.
    I have to agree a bit with what Jeremy said about the fighting. I found in my drinking there were triggers. I would run to happy hour with the intentions of having fun until I was reminded of: Something that pissed me off he posted on facebook, is there possible cheating?, the fight from last week, the need for me to explain something shitty that happened at work and his lack of interest etc. etc. The wine would turn into liquor and then the liquor would turn to shots. The mood would go from laughing and kissing to yelling and screaming. I would sometimes wake up the next day not even remembering a fight taking place. And then the dreaded "Do you even know what you said to me last night??" I am even guilty of getting violent on a few occasions. I don't drink anymore. Or at least I haven't in a long, long time. If I do, I just stick to wine or light beer. With being sober, I am able to really see what triggered the behavior. I'd sometimes even say "What you are doing is triggering me to want to drink out of control." For me, drinking, was a punishment or a way to numb bad feelings towards myself. It was also resulting from being bored with life and feeling lost. The worst was knowing I had the potential to do everything I wanted but couldn't grasp how to get it. I couldn't get it in relationships with family, men, friends, career.... Take just a week or two and don't drink. It's hard. But, you see things in a different way. It may even take a month or so. You don't feel as depressed, angry, or even out of control. You control situations better. It allows you to be more powerful in situations where an argument may take place. Now, you really know what you heard or saw. Not just what you may think you heard or saw.
    As for weight loss, I always found I gained a few and then lost a bunch after the few set backs. You may have gained muscle. I think getting a personal trainer would be ideal for you. They are supportive and fun. You can text them when you feel the need to have those empty calories. It gives you something to look forward to and someone who understands your needs fully at that time. You will loose what you want weightwise, or they are not doing their job. They live for that kind of satisfaction.
    The worst feeling I had was waking up the next morning and having a shitty day at work and feeling like I was a fuck up and I hurt the one person I love the most. It was easier to say fuck the drinking. Just my thoughts. Rock on. You will have a hot bod ready for a bikini in no time. I lost 12 pounds sitting on my ass, the first month I stopped drinking.

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    1. Thank you so much for your candid response. When I began writing this blog, I didn't do so with the intention of swearing off alcohol - but as I kept digging in, it just seemed like the right thing to do. After I hit "publish", I started freaking out about the things I wanted to do that involved drinking (beer and wine tastings, birthday parties, sporting events, etc.). Then I started thinking about the last beer tasting I went to and how it ended in tears and destroyed a friendship - or a sporting event where I don't even remember who won - or a family outing that turned into everyone being mad at each other... I definitely feel like I've made an important choice for my future and your feedback really helps to solidify that... so thank you, Anonymous.

      As far as a personal trainer, it's a terrific idea and one that I've considered before. I don't belong to a gym as I've been trying to cut costs where I can and there is a gym at my complex. However, if I continue to struggle with my weight doing everything I can on my own, it is most certainly something to look into.

      Thanks again... :)

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  5. Fuck that. I'm about to have a shot of Jagermeister right now. Just fucking lighten up when you go out.

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    1. Clearly you are more comfortable with your relationship with alcohol than I am with mine. So drink up.

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