Wednesday, April 25, 2012
I Would Say "Delta Bravo"... But Douchebag Really Is One Of My Favorite Words
I hate getting blown off. I don’t mind if someone gives me a reason or an explanation why they either can’t make a date that we arranged or that they are no longer interested in seeing me. That, I can handle. I’m a big girl and, for the most part, take honesty well. But to simply not say anything and slowly phase me out. That’s just gross.
Okay, so maybe I got too excited about the idea that the redhead was different. It appears that perhaps we are too different. At least, that’s what I have to assume since I can’t coax the actual reason of the instant distance out of him.
I thought Sunday went well. We spent the afternoon at his house, I met his family (that was pretty overwhelming in itself, but I think I handled it well), we sat on the couch and talked for hours and then he made me dinner (he made me dinner!) and we watched a movie. I mean, sounds like the perfect date right?
But I did something wrong. I would share it with you if I knew what it was. Unfortunately, I can only speculate since, like most people, he doesn’t want to take a trip down the road of open and honest communication. But I knew something was up when I got home Sunday evening. There was instantly a different energy to his texts. Then, he didn’t text me at all the next day until I sent one to him first. I got a few short responses so I let it go. I gave him the entire next day to initiate conversation and again, got nothing. I finally asked him what was up and he gave me the “long, crazy day” line.
Really? You think I haven’t used THAT one before?
We had plans tonight. Given, they were tentative... but plans nevertheless. I decided to let him text me this time. I knew he wouldn’t. And I was right.
Sometimes, I hate being right.
If I had to guess, I would suggest that he is not impressed with my level of education or the fact that I’m not incredibly motivated when it comes to my career. We discussed these things quite a bit on Sunday. He just got a job for a company he loves and is planning to go back to school to be radiologist. I have a job I can tolerate that I try to go to as little as possible and have no real plan to go out and do anything different right now. I can understand how this might be cause for concern.
So tell me this. I can take it.
It might be something else. Maybe he thinks I’m a slut. He did read my last blog and knows about me sleeping with Guy #1 on the first date. He may have even clicked on past blog links to discover what he may think is a sordid sexual past. I can understand how this would also be something that raises eyebrows. It’s a lot to process.
Tell me about it. No, seriously. TELL ME ABOUT IT.
I’m having a major case of “Pissed the fuck off”, as you can tell.
And then there’s the issue of Guy #1.
I think a sign of a good - or at least fairly decent - writer is the ability to manipulate your readers into giving you the kind of feedback you are seeking in moments of confusion. For example, I wanted my friends to comment on that last post and tell me what a douchebag Guy #1 was. I wanted validation that the decision I was making to pursue Guy #3 was justified. So, I painted a picture of a douchey game player that anyone could see was messing with my head. Did a pretty good job too. The few comments I received on Facebook were from people telling me that regardless of whether or not there was any kind of chance with the redhead, I needed to drop Guy #1 because of his douchebag tendencies. I was told it would only end in destruction.
Unfortunately, one of these comments was left by someone who married the biggest douchebag I ever dated. So, yeah... grain of salt.
At least with Guy #1, there was authentic communication. There was an instant connection and a spark that I am still have trouble getting over. When I first met him, my heart literally jumped into my stomach because of how attracted I was to him. I think the last time that happened, it was with my high school sweetheart. We’ve been honest with each other ever since, even when it gets uncomfortable. Douchey or not, isn’t this the kind of communication with someone else that I so desperately seek? That’s the thing with douchebags - they usually have a pretty big set of balls.
So, is that what it becomes? What level of douchebaggery am I willing to put up with in order to have an authentic, pure, honest and open relationship? Obviously, my friend has found that in her marriage. I guess they can’t all be nice guys.
I have also realized that I have been putting way too much pressure on myself to find someone. And, once again, I gave up so quickly after just meeting a few guys. If Guy #1 makes me happy, I’m gonna take some more time to check it out. There is a guy at work that I kind of dig as well... so why not keep myself open to that? And my online profile? Reactivated. Why not?
Like anything else, moderation is key. What I did a few weeks ago was “power date” and it really didn’t work for me. I do think there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking my time and truly finding the pace of dating that works for me. And I think as long as I remain open and honest about my intentions (which is impossible NOT to do, given this blog), I can’t really be faulted for how things turn out.
Patience. They say something about that being a virtue... I struggle with it, for sure. I admit, I want to get to that stage of being so in love with someone that I can’t stand to be away from them as quickly as possible. But then I try to force it and end up with this right here. Me, my cat and a laptop.
So, yes... I’m going to keep talking to Guy #1. And everyone will be entitled to say I told you so if it doesn’t work out. However, said people will NOT be invited to the wedding if it DOES work out.
And I’ll stay open for other opportunities. Because even with my lack of motivation in the career department, my measly Associate of Arts degree at a fashion school and my very active sexual past, I’m still a really awesome person, dammit.
I mean, at the very least, I deserve my own douchebag.
Posted by Tina V at 10:17 PM