Saturday, May 12, 2012
Some Things Never Change... Until They Do
I spent last night feeling sorry for myself for all the things I think I’m not. I celebrated this feeling by doing the things I know make me hate myself more.
I gambled money when I don’t have any to gamble.
I drank in excess at a bar too far from home.
I texted “poor me” messages to Rob, hoping he would say the right thing to make me feel anything but lonely and pathetic.
I cried at the bar.
I went to the ATM twice.
I thought about my job and how I should be doing something different with my life.
I wished I wanted kids.
I made jokes to fellow bar patrons to keep myself from becoming too vulnerable and connected to any particular moment.
I thought about writing this blog and how everyone would roll their eyes while muttering “Here she goes again...”
I thought about how stupid it was to start online dating again.
I thought about my wasted talent as an artist.
I thought about my passion for writing but my lack of motivation to do anything about it.
I came home and passed out, knowing that I would have to weigh-in this morning and face the fact that I gained more than a couple of pounds this week.
I woke up three hours later with red and swollen eyes and drank about a liter of water.
I read through my text messages and felt like an idiot.
I checked my Facebook and found no solace among my “friends”.
I tossed and turned for about an hour.
Hungry, I got up and made some eggs and toast.
I sat in bed, ate my 4:00am breakfast and watched recorded episodes of The Daily Show.
I tried to go back to sleep, knowing three hours was not going to be enough for the day I had ahead of me.
I thought about the Mother’s Day gift I had yet to complete and the potato salad I had to make.
I checked my bank account and sighed.
I picked up a shift at work for later in the week.
I thought about all the work I still had to do for the bird show this weekend. I thought about how desperately I needed it to pay off.
I gave up on sleep as the sun came up.
I updated my Facebook status to say “I don’t know which feels more gross - the fact that I have nothing going for me or the realization that I don’t want to do anything about it.”
I hit post, put my phone down and laid back down.
I immediately grabbed my phone and removed the post.
I sat up in bed and took a deep breath. It was almost 6:00am.
I got dressed, washed my face and put on my shoes.
I grabbed my keys and sunglasses and left the house.
I drove to the park down the street and put my ipod on.
I spent the next 45 minutes walking in the sun.
I thought about the person I was choosing to be. I thought about the person I wanted to be. I saw a large valley between these two women.
I wondered how I lost my way so quickly. I asked myself why I gave up on my dreams. I answered... “because I forgot what they were.”
I got upset that I was waiting for the right man to come along and save me from myself. I got angry that I spent so much time waiting for this to happen that I had forgotten where I was headed altogether.
I thought about how many times I check my phone a day, hoping for the next sign that someone out there is thinking of me.
I thought about my friends and how little credit I give them... how I think they can’t possibly be the kinds of friends I need. And how I never give them a chance to even try.
I thought about my cat and how she’s just happy to have me.
I passed a house where someone was mowing their lawn... I inhaled the smell of real grass and was reminded of my childhood.
I turned the corner and started the long homestretch in the park that would end at my car.
I thought about the changes I wanted to make. I thought about how I wanted my upcoming week to look and how much differently it was going to be from this last week.
I reminded myself that in each moment, I choose who I want to be and how I want to feel.
I scolded myself for allowing a victim mentality to take over my mind.
I walked a little faster.
I thought about how much more I wanted to work. I thought about how selfish I’ve been in spending so much time “doing whatever I wanted”. I saw that this resulted in actually getting nothing done.
I thought about the ebay store I’ve been wanting to start for my pet portraits.
I thought about my traveling dinosaur blog.
I got back to my car and felt refreshed.
I came home and fed my cat.
I made a cup of tea. My Yogi tea bag told me the following: “Real happiness lies in that which never comes and goes, but simply is.”
I looked at the rays of sun coming through my window.
I sat down, opened up my laptop and wrote this blog.
I smiled as I thought to myself “here she goes again...”
Posted by Tina V at 7:59 AM