Saturday, May 12, 2012

Some Things Never Change... Until They Do

I spent last night feeling sorry for myself for all the things I think I’m not. I celebrated this feeling by doing the things I know make me hate myself more. 

I gambled money when I don’t have any to gamble. 

I drank in excess at a bar too far from home. 

I texted “poor me” messages to Rob, hoping he would say the right thing to make me feel anything but lonely and pathetic. 

I cried at the bar. 

I went to the ATM twice. 

I thought about my job and how I should be doing something different with my life. 

I wished I wanted kids. 

I made jokes to fellow bar patrons to keep myself from becoming too vulnerable and connected to any particular moment. 

I thought about writing this blog and how everyone would roll their eyes while muttering “Here she goes again...” 

I thought about how stupid it was to start online dating again. 

I thought about my wasted talent as an artist. 

I thought about my passion for writing but my lack of motivation to do anything about it. 

I came home and passed out, knowing that I would have to weigh-in this morning and face the fact that I gained more than a couple of pounds this week. 

I woke up three hours later with red and swollen eyes and drank about a liter of water. 

I read through my text messages and felt like an idiot. 

I checked my Facebook and found no solace among my “friends”. 

I tossed and turned for about an hour. 

Hungry, I got up and made some eggs and toast. 

I sat in bed, ate my 4:00am breakfast and watched recorded episodes of The Daily Show. 

I tried to go back to sleep, knowing three hours was not going to be enough for the day I had ahead of me. 

I thought about the Mother’s Day gift I had yet to complete and the potato salad I had to make. 

I checked my bank account and sighed. 

I picked up a shift at work for later in the week. 

I thought about all the work I still had to do for the bird show this weekend. I thought about how desperately I needed it to pay off. 

I gave up on sleep as the sun came up. 

I updated my Facebook status to say “I don’t know which feels more gross - the fact that I have nothing going for me or the realization that I don’t want to do anything about it.” 

I hit post, put my phone down and laid back down. 

I immediately grabbed my phone and removed the post. 

I sat up in bed and took a deep breath. It was almost 6:00am. 

I got dressed, washed my face and put on my shoes. 

I grabbed my keys and sunglasses and left the house. 

I drove to the park down the street and put my ipod on. 

I spent the next 45 minutes walking in the sun. 

I thought about the person I was choosing to be. I thought about the person I wanted to be. I saw a large valley between these two women. 

I wondered how I lost my way so quickly. I asked myself why I gave up on my dreams. I answered... “because I forgot what they were.” 

I got upset that I was waiting for the right man to come along and save me from myself. I got angry that I spent so much time waiting for this to happen that I had forgotten where I was headed altogether. 

I thought about how many times I check my phone a day, hoping for the next sign that someone out there is thinking of me. 

I thought about my friends and how little credit I give them... how I think they can’t possibly be the kinds of friends I need. And how I never give them a chance to even try. 

I thought about my cat and how she’s just happy to have me. 

I passed a house where someone was mowing their lawn... I inhaled the smell of real grass and was reminded of my childhood. 

I turned the corner and started the long homestretch in the park that would end at my car. 

I thought about the changes I wanted to make. I thought about how I wanted my upcoming week to look and how much differently it was going to be from this last week. 

I reminded myself that in each moment, I choose who I want to be and how I want to feel. 

I scolded myself for allowing a victim mentality to take over my mind. 

I walked a little faster. 

I thought about how much more I wanted to work. I thought about how selfish I’ve been in spending so much time “doing whatever I wanted”. I saw that this resulted in actually getting nothing done. 

I thought about the ebay store I’ve been wanting to start for my pet portraits. 

I thought about my traveling dinosaur blog

I got back to my car and felt refreshed. 

I came home and fed my cat. 

I made a cup of tea. My Yogi tea bag told me the following: “Real happiness lies in that which never comes and goes, but simply is.” 

I looked at the rays of sun coming through my window. 

I sat down, opened up my laptop and wrote this blog. 

I smiled as I thought to myself “here she goes again...”

8 comments:

  1. Everything comes full circle in life...the important thing is to not be afraid to make multiple circles throughout life. There is no right or wrong path...just adjust your destination. You shouldn't limit your patience. That discourages. Try not to expect so much from friends and focus on maintaining strong relationships with others. Be the best friend you can be. You are a great friend to me and we rarely hang out. But the look on your face when I do see you seems genuine and that's a strong relationship.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The look of genuine gratitude on my face when I see you is because of the genuine respect and admiration I feel from you. It's reciprocated. :)

      Delete
  2. And you can relish in the fact that Hunter outsucked Rory :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think I'm bad luck for these guys. Next time, I'm drawing a name out of a hat. :) Thanks for being such a good friend..

      Delete
  3. Listen to some Louise L. Hay. Forgive everyone in your life that has slighted you, real or imagined, and that includes yourself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Louise L. Hay has always been one of my heroes. Thank you for this very precious reminder. And thank you for reading! Your daughter is one of the good ones. Well done. :)

      Delete
  4. Tina, don't be so hard on yourself. You are on a journey until the day you take your last breath. We always think that we need to reach the top of the mountain, but what's at the top of the mountain? I used to try to attain "happiness" and then think that once I found it the rest of my life was going to be gravy. Wrong. We are always chasing. You have to remember it's the journey, not the destination. Live in your moments and make them the most they can be. You will always have these ups and downs. Forgive yourself, love yourself. Live up to your standards, not someone else's or society's. Be the best person you can be for you. Take your lessons and move forward. Learn from your mistakes, and move on. Not loving yourself is the worst thing you can do. You really are a wonderful person. You just have to see that in yourself. One day you will find the right person when it's the right time in your life and when you least expect it. I promise! I love you, you just need to love yourself! Everything happens for a reason! Hang in there, Sweetie!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Auntie... I realize this particular post came off rather doomy and gloomy and I actually didn't entirely mean it that way. I felt quite a bit better at the end of that 12 hour period. :) But I am hard on myself and the reminder to take it easy is one that I don't always take serious enough. I definitely get to love my accomplishments more than hate myself for my shortcomings. :) Love you!!

      Delete