Friday, August 17, 2012

Pelicans Are Cooler Anyway...

I’ve been a bit of a lingering bitch about my whole birthday thing. Since then, I’ve been asked out to several events hosted by friends that I invited to my celebration and they either didn’t respond or they said they would show up and didn’t. Therefore, I haven’t been going to their gatherings. 

I claim to be responsible, not mature. 

However, a few nights ago, I decided to get over myself and meet up with a group of friends I hadn’t seen in a year for some karaoke. I hadn’t been out in a while anyway and I’m a sucker for some cheap drinks and bad singing. 

I walked in and was happy to see familiar faces. I hugged everyone hello and picked up the karaoke book to start thumbing through the songs. I hadn’t been there for ten minutes when one of my friends (who reads all of my blogs), said that while reading my last post, he saw that I was planning a move. He said he immediately began to scroll through the blog until he found what he was looking for: YEP! It’s over a guy! 

I politely stayed as long as possible until the desire to punch him in the nose became too overwhelming.  

It wasn’t just him. Another one of my friends mocked my ways of being “open” and “vulnerable” as if it’s some ridiculous movement that will soon be replaced by the latest behavioral trend. He might as well have actually used air quotes. 

This is why I hate this blog. Like I mentioned in my previous post, it’s become repetitive. A houndstooth pattern. Kinda cool, but no real progression. 

The problem is, I’ve become very addicted to the blog. It’s the only kind of writing I do and it feels very therapeutic. It’s the best way I’ve found to release energy. And it used to feel important. Now, it feels like a joke. Everyone just waiting to laugh at my next fuck up. 

I’m moving to California next year. That part is certain. What will happen when I get out there is not. I’m okay with this. I’d be lying if I said hoping for a love story doesn’t factor into the move. But at the same time, I’m not chasing it down. A lot can happen between now and April, but whether I move in with Brendan as friends or as a romantic couple or even if I end up getting a place on my own... the fact of the matter is that something moved me when I was sitting on the beach. Something that was separate than my longing desire to find my partner. I simply felt pulled to return. So, return I shall. 

It bothered me, though, this comment about “of course it’s over a guy”. Initially, I was like “fuck off, I’m the most independent person I know and I make decisions for me”. This thought then progressed into “fuck off, I have a dream and I’m not afraid to chase it, even if it doesn’t work”. 

Because as I was told recently, having an entire list of names in the Failed Relationships column of my life doesn’t matter as long as one name makes it into the Successful Relationships column. And because of this, I keep trying and I keep taking chances. 

However, I am certainly becoming a little disillusioned when it comes to sharing. The last thing I ever wanted to create with this blog was a room full of eye rolls. I wanted to be relatable to others, not someone’s comic relief. Sitting there with my “friends” at karaoke, I felt more disconnected than ever. 

Which is why I’m more certain than ever that a change is necessary. I’m impatient and wish I could make that change now, but ten months to really get my mind wrapped around this new chapter is probably pretty healthy. Besides, there are still a few conversations to be had with “the guy” anyway... and I’ll need the full ten months to be with my family as much as possible. I’ve grown quite used to seeing my beautiful niece and nephew each week. 

Something else I’m looking forward to is an excuse to quit this blog. By the time I move, I’ll have had it for almost three years. There are a lot of great entries that I can apply to the book I want to write, but it’s also an incredible distraction for me. I’ve been using it as an excuse to not do anything further with my writing. Now that I actually have a story floating around in my head, I want to focus all of my attention on that instead of this. Not to mention the fact that “Sin City Seagull” won’t apply anymore. 

Whitney asked me if I was going to start another blog after I concluded this one. No... because it wouldn’t be any different - just a new title. The only thing that would make it different is if I finally found a relationship I could live with for the rest of my life. And who wants to hear about happy shit? Not the majority of my readers, I’m pretty sure. 

It’s easy to be bitter at the moment. I’m frustrated, antsy, confused, conflicted, repressed and broke. What a disgusting combination. 

But, every once in a while, a text message will come through that will break up the clouds. I’ll get a good workout in and feel confident. I’ll have a great night at work. I’ll have lunch with a wonderful friend. And I have the Fit Club, which keeps me positive, outward focused and motivated. 

Hopefully, this will be enough to keep me sane for the next ten months. Because next time, I might actually punch a bitch.

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