Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Fuck It, Dude... Let's Go Bowling.
Three years ago today, I turned 30. I felt hopeless and without direction. I couldn’t communicate with my family the way I wanted to, I hated my job and didn’t have much motivation to do anything about it.
The one thing I felt compelled to do, however, was write. So, I made some fairly superficial changes in my life and decided to blog about them to see how my life could be different. What I ended up doing, however, was documenting my daily behaviors, discussing my relationships, airing out the laundry of my family’s past and generating a lot of... “feedback” as a result. I stopped posting entries last September.
I’m not sure I’ve ever missed something as much as I miss this blog.
I made a lot of mistakes and wrote about things that I probably shouldn’t have. My intention was never, ever to hurt anyone. However, when I say what’s on my mind, I have the tendency to upset others or hurt their feelings. I tell myself that if I can’t be honest, then what is the point of writing at all? But there is a limit. I’ve learned that.
There was a lot of good that came from my writing as well. Initially, my family didn’t want me to continue writing about our past because it made them uncomfortable that I was sharing the kinds of things I was sharing. And I probably did take it too far. But the level of intimacy we now have as a family and the connectedness we feel is a direct result of the things I wrote about. In retrospect, I probably should’ve just written them all a letter or tried to discuss personally my issues with my past, but then again, I’ve always been a bit dramatic.
I’m 33 years old today. While I still don’t feel any more motivated about finding a direction in life, I’m in a place where I can start letting go of control a little and start learning how to embrace taking things a day at a time. This is not easy for me, the Perpetual Planner. But trying to control the uncontrollable created an anxiety that was really starting to affect me physically. I’ve missed being able to “write it out”. I have no other outlet that is as cathartic. I’ve tried starting other writing projects or simply having a journal, but nothing ever felt quite as good as putting myself out there for others to love, loathe, relate to or simply stay connected with.
I admit, it got a little overwhelming. I still have a hard time reading the negative things people posted in my comments, but I have to remember also that no matter how hard I try to show others the real me, everyone perceives everyone differently, based on how well they know each other. I can’t force people to have the kind of opinion I wish they would have about me. And I don’t make it easier on them when I feel like being an asshole. Which is often.
With all that said, I’m happy to be writing again. I like to think I learned a lot from my previous posts and that I can still find catharsis in this blog without getting lost in the details. I definitely took myself a little too seriously at times (who, me?) and dragged some people down through my own insecurities.
I went back and forth about this, but in the end, it came down to the fact that I spend enough of my time doing things I’d rather not be doing. Why not at least hold onto the one thing that makes me feel productive and satisfied? I think I’m supposed to say YOLO or some shit like that...
So probably a more casual, light-hearted version of Sin City Seagull? With just enough Tina-Drama to keep it interesting?
Sounds about right. Hope you’ll come along.
Posted by Tina V at 7:15 AM