Friday, August 2, 2013

You Had Me At Goodbye...

I’m feeling a little like Jerry Maguire right now, at 5:00am... this is not a mission statement. It’s simply a memo... 

I hate everything about what I’m doing right now. I hate that I’m pretending to like a job I despise. I hate that I’m pretending to have relationships that matter. I hate pretending like I’m working for something better. I hate that I feel like I can’t express myself the way I’d like to on my blog for fear that it will make someone laugh and point. 

I hate my body. I hate my lifestyle. I hate that things have turned out this way so far. 

Luckily, I’m only 33. And relatively healthy. And more intelligent than most people I know. And not as humble. I like all these things. They are the only bits of hope I hold on to. 

I miss my mom and dad. I think about leaving Las Vegas to move closer but it doesn’t make enough sense. Although if my brother moves his family up there, I may no longer have a choice for they are the only people I connect with at this point in my life. 

I’m just so consistently disappointed... relationships that don’t work out, people I’m into that aren’t into me, friendly tables that leave me ten percent, friends who flake when we’ve made plans, and wins so quickly followed by many, many losses. 

I’ve made stupid decisions. And smart ones that I wish, in retrospect, I would’ve been dumb about. I have no “real” homies - and since I have none now, it means I’ve never had any. Thank you, Facebook, for reminding me of all the relationships I have terminated along the way (stupid birthday reminders). 

I don’t know where to go from here. I guess I seek therapy? That seems to be the most common answer. But I like all the drinking and the smoking and the eating. They are easier, less expensive and only result in an aftermath of tears, which I’m really good at pretending never happened. 

I guess my blog is no good unless it’s a train wreck. I can’t wait for the feedback about “getting over myself”and pointing out the things in my life that are supposed to be a source of “self-discovery” and “vulnerability”. 

I’m an angry and unsatisfied person. I’m not sure how I’ve managed this far.. but I have so it seems weird to throw in the towel. People around me find happiness in all stages in their lives. Seeing this is the only real source of hope I have. 

So, I’m here.. miserable and waiting. Waiting... funny that I would choose a “career” that defines my life in that moment. I’ve been aggressive and gone after what I wanted. This has resulted in shit jobs, shitty living situations and even shittier relationships. Clearly my decisions aren’t working. So I wait... 

I sit in this stupid room.. with all my vices around me... and I wait. 

Wishing that somebody.. for once.. will prove me wrong.