Saturday, September 14, 2013

Being "Badass" Has Its Consequences

I hate this phrase so much. Which is why I find it extremely humorous when irony hits those who decide to get it permanently tattooed on themselves. 

I live a LIFE of regrets. At 33, I have nothing that I wanted when I was 18 or 25 or 28 years old. And I can’t help but feel that it’s been a lifetime of bad decisions that I’ve made that have put me where I am today. 

Retrospect is my devil. “If only I had done this... If only I hadn’t said that... If only I wouldn’t have told him this... If only...” 

Something is starting to happen that I was concerned would. I’m beginning to become bitter. I’m losing hope that positive things can happen. These thoughts are reinforced with the fact that I still make bad decisions. Whether it’s a job change, a move, a new lover, or a new relationship in general... I simply end up not doing so well. 

In retrospect, of course. 

I’m a little exhausted of this head space I’m in. I go to work and hate all of my guests, assuming they are going to fuck me over and then STILL being pissed off when they actually do. I’m tired of putting my faith in something that can be new and exciting, just to realize that it’s the same old bullshit with the same old repercussions. I’m tired of friends who turn on a dime, reminding me that I never knew them to begin with. 

As a result, I’ve become very hesitant about making another bad decision. Which causes me to freeze, not wanting to move at all. Because I feel that, for the most part, bad calls are my M.O. 

Regrets? Yeah.. I have regrets. Don’t get me wrong - I have done a few things right. It just seems like those things have been in the interest of others. They benefited because of my actions WAY more than I did. This feels okay for a while but ultimately contributes to my seemingly impenetrable loneliness. 

My attitude is affecting my work and friendships. Everyone asks me what’s wrong all the time and I have this overwhelming desire to punch them in the face. I mean, if they only actually cared. And I’m not trying to be all Victim McVictimy (to use the parlance of our times), but even most people I consider to be very close friends aren’t able to give me the things I need to feel truly connected and whole with them. So why burden them with problems they have no solution to? 

I’m told that perhaps I need to have a new perspective. I would LOVE one. I understand we are all responsible for our own happiness but I really feel like, somewhere along the way, I failed to pick up this skill. 

It’s like whistling. Or knowing which way North is. I have never been able to learn either one of these things. And it pisses me off. How can I learn everything else someone teaches me except for these two fucking things? THESE TWO SEEMINGLY EASY THINGS?! 

... ..

However... whistling is simply a pleasant substitute to the lack of sound. And I have GPS. So, ultimately, I can handle it if I am never able to learn these things. But to continue not being able to make the right decision? To mess up again and again? To become bitter, angry and frustrated and let it steal my hope? How am I supposed to learn how to do these things if I haven’t yet? 

So, I guess I wait... wondering if this is all still one big practice in patience. If so, I’m failing miserably, but at least I’m getting reset at the start line each time. 

And maybe that’s what life is all about... 

Unfortunately, in every game there has to be a loser. I think I have enough hope left to use it on not wanting it to be me. 

But at this point, with so little hope left, I may just have to rely on luck to get me through.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

The "Real World" Does Not Exist. Don't Worry... "Your World" Still Does.

I remember when I started this blog. The motivation was self-discovery and connection. A cathartic outlet. Unfortunately, it developed into this disgusting and pathetic display of self-promotion. Gross. I’m trying to bounce back from all of that. Because there is still something very important to me about expressing myself in such a candid way. And as it turns out, it’s not to hear about what anyone else has to say about it. 

I thought about removing the comments portion from my blog. I find that I’m not very good at taking feedback and that sometimes, even what is supposed to be positive reinforcement ends up pissing me off. 

I’m not so naive to think that my problems are special. I know everyone has a battle to fight and that mine is probably not so bad. However, we all live in our own created realities and no one else lives there with us. Therefore, quite often, your advice and “constructive” feedback is useless to me. 

Anyone who really thinks they know me has to understand that I’ve been through the steps. I understand responsibility, making positive choices, having productive thoughts and living a selfless life. A place where being there for other people has its advantages and somewhere in all the darkness, my choices to live a healthier life, both physically and emotionally, will gradually bring the sun. 

I lived in this reality for a while. It was okay. Unfortunately, the weight of others’ judgment was stronger than my will to stick around. 

It’s been a rough month. Rougher than I’ve had in a while. However, like always, I made my way out of the muddiness of a tortured mind and am sitting here before you once again. Putting out what’s in my head and hoping you don’t respond with some bullshit about how we choose our own happiness and that giving is truly how we learn to receive. Or fill in the blank with some other vague cliche. 

I find it insulting that people think I should do what they would do to find happiness. In fact, I realize how careful I have to be when giving advice to others. My advice to you is just as useless as your advice to me. I don’t live in your reality. In fact, it’s probably a good thing I live in my head as much as I do and don’t waste my time trying to save the world by making people feel like less than they are. Oh wait... okay I totally do that. And that makes me an asshole too. 

Look, have a beer with me. Say something nice to me at work. Post something funny on my Facebook wall. Check in every now and then. These are the ways you can help me hate you less. If you actually, truly care about how I feel. 

If it doesn’t matter to you either way, I went ahead and left the comments portion open on here. Judge away and continue giving the kind of advice that makes YOU feel good. 

Anonymously, of course...