Saturday, September 14, 2013

Being "Badass" Has Its Consequences

I hate this phrase so much. Which is why I find it extremely humorous when irony hits those who decide to get it permanently tattooed on themselves. 

I live a LIFE of regrets. At 33, I have nothing that I wanted when I was 18 or 25 or 28 years old. And I can’t help but feel that it’s been a lifetime of bad decisions that I’ve made that have put me where I am today. 

Retrospect is my devil. “If only I had done this... If only I hadn’t said that... If only I wouldn’t have told him this... If only...” 

Something is starting to happen that I was concerned would. I’m beginning to become bitter. I’m losing hope that positive things can happen. These thoughts are reinforced with the fact that I still make bad decisions. Whether it’s a job change, a move, a new lover, or a new relationship in general... I simply end up not doing so well. 

In retrospect, of course. 

I’m a little exhausted of this head space I’m in. I go to work and hate all of my guests, assuming they are going to fuck me over and then STILL being pissed off when they actually do. I’m tired of putting my faith in something that can be new and exciting, just to realize that it’s the same old bullshit with the same old repercussions. I’m tired of friends who turn on a dime, reminding me that I never knew them to begin with. 

As a result, I’ve become very hesitant about making another bad decision. Which causes me to freeze, not wanting to move at all. Because I feel that, for the most part, bad calls are my M.O. 

Regrets? Yeah.. I have regrets. Don’t get me wrong - I have done a few things right. It just seems like those things have been in the interest of others. They benefited because of my actions WAY more than I did. This feels okay for a while but ultimately contributes to my seemingly impenetrable loneliness. 

My attitude is affecting my work and friendships. Everyone asks me what’s wrong all the time and I have this overwhelming desire to punch them in the face. I mean, if they only actually cared. And I’m not trying to be all Victim McVictimy (to use the parlance of our times), but even most people I consider to be very close friends aren’t able to give me the things I need to feel truly connected and whole with them. So why burden them with problems they have no solution to? 

I’m told that perhaps I need to have a new perspective. I would LOVE one. I understand we are all responsible for our own happiness but I really feel like, somewhere along the way, I failed to pick up this skill. 

It’s like whistling. Or knowing which way North is. I have never been able to learn either one of these things. And it pisses me off. How can I learn everything else someone teaches me except for these two fucking things? THESE TWO SEEMINGLY EASY THINGS?! 

... ..

However... whistling is simply a pleasant substitute to the lack of sound. And I have GPS. So, ultimately, I can handle it if I am never able to learn these things. But to continue not being able to make the right decision? To mess up again and again? To become bitter, angry and frustrated and let it steal my hope? How am I supposed to learn how to do these things if I haven’t yet? 

So, I guess I wait... wondering if this is all still one big practice in patience. If so, I’m failing miserably, but at least I’m getting reset at the start line each time. 

And maybe that’s what life is all about... 

Unfortunately, in every game there has to be a loser. I think I have enough hope left to use it on not wanting it to be me. 

But at this point, with so little hope left, I may just have to rely on luck to get me through.

1 comment:

  1. A lot of people get confused and they bruise
    Real easy when it comes to love
    They start putting on their shoes and walking out
    And singing "boy, I think I had enough"
    Just because she makes a big rumpus
    She don't mean to be mean or hurt you on purpose, boy
    Take a tip and do yourself a little service
    Take a mountain turn it into a mole