Thursday, May 14, 2015

Motherhood... Please Tell Me There Is An App For That


I’m not sure I can pinpoint that specific time in my life when I lost all motivation to “become someone”. I always pushed myself to do well in school, I killed it in college, I started a pretty lucrative career right after graduation and continued to get better and better at life for a good five or six years afterwards. Even after I decided to leave my job in the hotel industry and try something new in Las Vegas ten years ago, I was still motivated to get up early and chase that gazelle. 

And then one day, I just didn’t have it anymore. The fight that was in me for as long as I could remember was suddenly just... gone. 

I couldn’t really blame it on anything in particular. It would’ve been easy to blame it on the pot. Or the drinking. Or even the gambling. But I smoked weed during the most productive times in my life. I’ve been drinking since I was eighteen. And the most trouble I’ve ever gotten into with gambling is missing a car payment a few years ago. No. it was something bigger than that. Something mental, I supposed. 

When my parents moved to Ely, my mom and I would hold weekly telephone chats to stay connected. I remember one week, about a year or so ago, having a conversation with my mom about this newfound “condition” I had. My weed smoking had mellowed but my drinking was at an all time high. I wasn’t really writing anymore, I was working as little as possible and literally had zero goals set for myself beyond getting up before noon at least two or three times a week. I was in a new relationship and was pretty happy about how it was going... but a lot of the contentment came from the fact that he appeared to be in the same place in life as me. Although he seemed to be a lot more at peace with it than I was. 

I recall telling my mom, without remorse or frustration, that as much as I knew I could and should be doing something more productive with my time every day, I truly just didn’t have a valid reason to make a change. Money? Unfortunately, I've never been pushed to succeed because of any dreams to be rich. Health? I mean kinda... hard to get motivated when you feel perfectly fine. Spiritual wellness? Eh... overall, feelings of spirituality or religion itself, outside of general frustration, play no real role in my life. My only struggle seemed to come from all those years of driving in higher gears and feeling like I was at least doing something productive. In my mind, being in neutral wasn’t an okay way to go about life. 

Having a child came up in one of these weekly conversations with Mom. As someone who had never wanted kids, I sort of just mentioned in a nonchalant way how maybe if I were to get pregnant, at least then I would be forced to DO something. 

But I mean.. I wasn’t serious. 

Facebook reminded me recently that a friend had tagged me in this meme two years ago... I laughed and laughed... 

And then, just like that, the Universe responded. 

Today is my 20 week pregnancy check up. We will have our second ultrasound and find out how our baby is developing and also, whether we will be raising a boy or a girl

I haven’t been sober for such a long period of time in many, many years. It doesn’t really feel weird, necessarily, only strange because of how habitual drinking and smoking had become for me. What feels weird is putting something (or someone, rather), before myself. That has taken some getting used to. And ultimately, I think that is the thing I have been searching for this whole time. Something bigger than myself to give life some meaning. 

Things are continuing to move fast with this pregnancy - faster than I want, really. I still feel incredibly overwhelmed and not particularly ready to be a mom. But, maybe it’ll be like riding a bike and I can reach back to those times in my life when I was a badass and did set goals and accomplish things. And maybe, just maybe... I’ll feel even better since this goal is definitely bigger and more important than any others I’ve ever had. 

Life is funny that way. Even when you don’t realize you are actually asking for something, it turns out that... well... you kinda are. Or at least, I was. 

I suppose needed a new goal anyway. After all, there are only so many Untappd badges out there.