Thursday, July 30, 2015

"Yes, I Can Absolutely Wait."

High glucose? Really? 

I’m sitting here in my doctor’s office, head all fuzzy from a cold I recently caught, waiting for the next round of 60 minutes to go by so I can get even MORE blood drawn to test my glucose levels. Being pregnant does weird things to the body. 

Of course, I really can’t complain. Baby Xander has continued to be VERY good to me. We’ve entered our third trimester together with no complications, still no sickness, minimal bouts of heartburn and still plenty of energy to get through work. I think my little head and chest cold stemmed from baby shower stress, which I’m happy to say has come and gone. 

It was fun, don’t get me wrong. But like most parties I throw, there is always some disappointment that comes along with all the good times. Like family members you wished cared enough to show up. Friends who you knew would be there and then weren’t. Gifts that were thoughtful but, unfortunately, useless. And of course the endless stream of “Oh I really wanted to go, but...” for the next week. 

It’s cool, it’s how parties go. We had a great turnout and really enjoyed seeing people we hadn’t seen in a while. Lots of fellow mommies to give us all kinds of useful advice. Like how strange we were for wanting to use cloth diapers or how little sleep we were going to get. Ooh or how all of our friends were going to bounce and we’d be left feeling lonely with no one to turn to. Although based on my past relationships with friends who had kids (when I was still a hard no on having them myself), I already expect this to happen. 

Do I sound bitter? Maybe that’s the fever talking... or the fact that I’ve been up all night in anticipation of this ridiculous appointment. High glucose levels? Really? 

And of course, while Johnny does so many things right, there are still so many things I expect from him that I don’t get. The direct result of falling for someone with the same lifestyle as you. Until that lifestyle suddenly changes and you have to find reasons to not kill them in their sleep out of the bitterness and resentment of watching them live a life you can’t help but miss a little. 

Okay, maybe not the EASIEST pregnancy in the world. 

I always chalk it up to a bad week. I do still have them, after all. But I am soothed at night, after the day has finally finished and I crawl into my delicious bed by myself. I prop up on pillows, surrounded by cozy sheets, turn on Four Weddings or Chopped and let my little Xander start his dancing. This has become my favorite part of the day. The time that is ours and ours alone. I had a friend tell me that is what she missed most of all, after giving birth to her children, that intimate time between mama and baby when they are still inside, safe and protected from the world. This feeling is unlike anything I’ve ever felt or will ever feel again. 

People say to me constantly, "I'll bet you can’t wait to have that baby!" My answer is always the same - “Yes, I can absolutely wait.” 

I don’t see myself going through another pregnancy so I make sure to cherish all the moments with this one. Once he’s born, he becomes his own person... with his own dreams and his own struggles. He has to learn about things like poverty, hate crimes, politics, Donald Trump, Floyd Mayweather and Cecil the Lion. I can no longer shield him from those things. At this exact moment, he is in the safest place in the world. Yes, I can absolutely wait. 

In the meantime, I’ll cut down on my sugar so as to make it more cozy in there for my little man. 

I mean, really... high glucose? Come on...