Saturday, November 12, 2016

I'm Not Mad... I'm Just Disappointed.

Wasn’t that just the worst? When you were young and you got in trouble for something. Your parents sat you down and you were waiting for it... the yelling, the screaming, the punishment. But then, with tears in their eyes, they simply say “We aren’t mad at you. We are just disappointed.” 

That’s what I’m going through right now. I’m just disappointed. 

On a global level, I’m absolutely disappointed that our new President is going to be Donald Trump. I’m disappointed that I have loved ones that voted for him. I’m disappointed that the popular vote was even as close as it was. I’m disappointed that so many people didn’t even vote. I’m disappointed in the system. 

I’m disappointed that the same people who thought their lives were ending eight years ago are now telling me not to worry. As if their feelings of oppression meant more than mine do. I’m disappointed that so many women I know celebrate his victory. It brings me to tears to think about it. 

On a more personal level, I’m disappointed in people. I’m disappointed that my feelings aren’t taken into consideration. Like, ever. By anyone. I’m disappointed that someone I crushed on loved the attention so much, they failed to mention their pregnant wife in our many interactions. I’m disappointed that the sex I do get on occasion is from someone acting out their frustrations with their own fucked up ex. I’m disappointed that I have to beg for shifts at a job I’ve been at for five years. I’m disappointed that I have to beg for a hundred dollars a month from Xander’s dad to cover his expenses. I’m disappointed that I even need it. 

I’m disappointed that I could be actively involved in my brother’s life or not involved at all and he wouldn’t care. Not one fucking bit. In fact, he wouldn’t even notice either way. I’m disappointed that I’m too proud to make nice with his selfish wife so that we can try to enjoy the holidays with the whole family. I’m disappointed in the way our family talks to each other. As if we are expendable. As if we could easily be replaced if necessary. 

And on the most personal level, I’m disappointed with myself. I’m disappointed that I don’t let things go. I’m disappointed that I can’t just accept that some people are having a bad day, so it’s okay for them to treat me like I’m insignificant. I’m disappointed that I have also treated others poorly because of my own stress and issues. I’m disappointed that I’m expected to just take shit from people because “that’s life” and that standing by my convictions is interpreted as me being stubborn and relentless. And that I should take both of those words as insults. I’m disappointed that the only time people really notice me is when I spout something controversial on social media. I’m disappointed that I’m forgettable. 

It’s just been... a very difficult week. Even if he doesn’t manage to nuke another country, force all women to wear bikinis to work or reinstate slavery and concentration camps, just the fact that we elected a reality TV star to the highest office in the country just proves how backwards we are as a society. I know it’s not the end of the world and I’m really not mad at the situation we currently find ourselves in. 

I’m just... disappointed.