Tuesday, April 11, 2017

"There's Always Gonna Be An Uphill Battle..."

My therapist doesn’t like that I spend so much time alone. She actually gave me homework to only spend a certain amount of time per week going out by myself. 

I’ve already failed. 

She asked me if I think the reason I choose to spend so much time by myself is because I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere. I said.. "well, now I think that." 

It makes perfect sense though. Especially lately. I’m having a hard time relating to people that I once considered to be very close friends. I get mad at them for their behavior. I say things out of anger to further distance myself from them. I deleted myself from a group text that I’ve been a part of for years. I don’t make much effort with the friends I do have. I feel like it’s not really worth it. Nothing makes me feel better. So I keep going out alone. And then that makes me feel worse. 

You know what I hate the most about bad habits? They are my go-to things when I’m feeling sad, lonely and lost. And then I do them. And they leave me feeling sad, lonely and lost. It’s really not very fair. How come I can’t be addicted to going to the gym? Or reading? Or going to school? Why do my obsessions have to be so incredibly unhealthy? Not just for my physical self, but my mental state also. 

I keep telling myself I’m going to get a grip on things before they get too out of hand. I’m going to get my weight under control before I hit the 140s. I’m going to quit smoking before I actually start buying full packs of cigarettes instead of just bumming them off my friends. I’m going to quit gambling before I get to a certain dollar amount in my savings account. I’m going to be home by 2am this time. Okay, maybe 3... but just this one time. 

And just like my homework from my therapist, I’ve failed all of these. I feel like I’m officially out of control. 

I tell people all the time that if they want to overhaul their life, take it one step at a time. Individual battles are fought before the war is won. Trying to change everything at once can set you up to fail because you need something to hold on to while you are letting go of something else. 

I think that’s a lot of enabling bull shit if you ask me. 

My therapist recommended I keep standing dates with the people I get along with the most. Hang out, set new date, hang out again. Rinse and repeat. That way, I always have something to look forward to. So, I’ve started to do that with two of my friends. One I’ve known for close to ten years and is probably the person in my life that I get along with the best and relate to the most. And the other I haven’t known as long but, in many ways, feels a little like my soul sister. She’s a whole decade younger than me, but conversations with her flow way easier than with other women my age who have similar situations to mine. Plus, she understands lonely. And I think it’s important for us to make time for each other for that exact reason. 

As far as handling my personal shit, I’ve decided to just go ahead and tackle it all at once. It doesn’t make much sense to feel better about one thing if I still feel completely miserable and ashamed of another. 

My parents and I booked a trip together to take my son to San Diego to see both the beach as well as the zoo. We are going next month. Just like my friend-dates, it gives me something to look forward to. Something to save for. Something to be excited about. I really hope that by continuing to do things like this, I can pull myself out of the muddiness of my mind. It’s just so damn easy to feel sorry for myself. And to feel lonely. And to get depressed. I’m the person that complete strangers are always saying “Smile!” to because smiling just does not come naturally to me. Being sad is my comfort emotion. And while that’s generally been okay with me, it’s not good enough for my kid. I don’t want him growing up thinking misery is normal. And I definitely don’t want him to grow up to be lonely. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. 

So, like all the other many times I’ve said and done this before... 

Here we go again.